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Monday, March 28, 2011

Emotional lockbox

So yesterday I went to watch A concert with my mom. It was really good and a blessing. The crazy part though was there was a man who was miming by himself. All I can say is that he was a male version of me. It turned out that he was 30 and he was so into his ministry. Except for 1 key difference I realize that his emotions were on display for everybody to see. I mean he was sobbing after he got done and i was just like wow. Im not sure i could let everyone else in to see that. I thought about it and realized that I kind of set me aside to get thru the mime. But even then, I don't really fall apart afterward. I just kind of process it. Now yes, for the most part, im in God's presence. Im just not overly emotional about it. Then it got me to thinking about how I don't like to lose control and part of me always fears that. So its like I keep the not-so-cute emotions inside, in an emotional lockbox. And every once in a while ill delve into it. I did a couple of hours before midnight on my birthday. I was just feeling bored and alone and pondering my now-31 year old fate. So I let the hurt out and cried for about 20 minutes. Then I locked the tears back in the lockbox and decided to be positive. Guess that's my coping mechanism huh?
or is it a choice? Is letting my emotions out on display something I could do if I wanted to?
Last time I sobbed in front of anyone was in the midst of one of my past relationships. You know cuz I was in love and stuff lol.
Matter of fact, my lockbox was just open during that relationship bc I had a close encounter with the holy spirit during that time period too....
Mmm... All through the relationship, there were ups and downs and a lot of tears. I had never cried so much in my life. It wasn't even like we were fighting, just stuff going on that made him unhappy so then it made me unhappy.

Then there was the first time God told me no about that particular him, I was heartbroken. I remember standing at the altar and just sobbing. I think I scared everyone that day bc like I said, I don't do that like ever.

So of course when my stupid behind got back with him, God said no again the night of the Tye Tribbett concert. I encountered God in a whole new manner that night. And when he, the ex him, started acting crazy as soon as the concert was over, i knew we were over and I was tear-free.

I don't think i've really cried in public since. I mean, other than sentimental tearjerker type stuff. You know long-lost reunions, and successful reunifications etc. But those are tear pricks. Those aren't tears running down my face. I cry a little at church every once in a while. Usually when im feeling some kind of way....

Sorry I've just been rambling but yesterday really encouraged me to get out of God's way and just open up my heart. Mmm may have to do that song again soon lol.
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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Day 6 - Playing Catchup

So clearly I got behind in the blogging. Whoopsies. I was going thru tho. Still not sure if it was my cycle, the change in diet, or a combination of all three, but I felt like crap a large portion of this week. I can proudly report that I stuck with the fast, despite it all. The one day, I had to find some organic vegetable soup to make me feel better!

Anyway, in terms of my bible reading, I did so-so. I learned that my bible app is beta-testing the audio version. So the one day, since I needed to start driving, I just listened to psalm 119! Considering its the longest one, that kind of rocks because it would have taken awhile to read it. I was also able to recall the verses I wanted to share specifically. Awesome! Lol. I also love their catch-up function. I get behind so easily and its hard to remember where you left off. Hooray for YouVersion!

And finally, the cleaning. I pretty much sucked all week. But wonder of wonders, the motivation of bff ladyfriction coming to visit me really got me going. Granted, she actually had to ARRIVE in order for me to get focused forreal but at least I got there. Plus, having to wait for her airbed to charge, I had lots of time. I can now say that my room is like 65% clean. Woohoo! (SN: 3 episodes of glee later, the airbed still hadn't charged by 3am!)

So I guess my prayer is this: for God to help me to endure... to keep fasting, keep cleaning, keep reading my Word, and keep blogging!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" --- Phillipians 4:13
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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Eve and I are going to box...

No, seriously, here I sit, in the middle of the night, nauseous as heck and it's all Eve's fault! Sorry... venting.

Anyway, despite how I've been feeling, I actually had a pretty good day. Read my Word, and ate as I was supposed to. I even did some cleaning tonight, wanted to do more but wasn't feeling up to it. Then finally time for bed, was sleepy and just couldn't rest. I guess my tummy was trying to tell me something...

Sigh, I'll blog more later. Hard for me to sit still when I feel like this. Back to pacing....

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Yesterday was day 3

Yesterday was day 3, I was just too tired to blog about it. The day went fairly well, I was just not feeling well. The menses and all... Sigh. NTway, yeah can't say I did anything yesterday except for stay on the fast. (Summary - A for fasting, F on all other areas. So a big ole D for my average)
For breakfast, I had applesauce and these multi-grain sliders with almond butter. Then for lunch, we went to Panera and I had a half mediterraean veggie sandwich (no feta) and a half classic salad with balsamic. By the time work was over, I was done! With the whole day. All I wanted to do was get home and get in the bed. Which I pretty much did, except went to try Nicky's Thai kitchen since they're vegan friendly. Pretty tasty! I had a veggie sweet&sour entree. So it was rice, veggies, and just Yummy! I fell asleep around 930. Tried to go before that but I couldn't get comfortable.
But hold on a minute, forgot to mention the bright spot of the day! So one of my high school friends (who grew up to be my naturopathic doctor) was diagnosed with a brain tumor and his surgery happened yesterday. All reports indicated that it went well. Hallelujah!
So despite all the not so good things that happened yesterday in my life, something wonderful happened somewhere else. I think that has to be our attitude with the devastation in Japan too. Something terrible happened and could get worse, but to quote 2 divas, "There can be miracles when you believe...." and there are survival stories that are just mind blowing. God's still on the throne and is worthy to be praised!
A to the Men!
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Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 2 - Hidden Croutons

So here I sit, gnoshing on some rice bean medley I got from whole foods because it occurred to me at 930pm that I was STARVING and I needed rice and veggies. Luckily I was in east liberty when it hit lol.
All in all, I think I did pretty good today. This am, I had a dentist appt (which was just too long and annoying but at least I got my pre-crown). I drove to training and ate some organic applesauce. For lunch, we went to olive garden and I ordered whole wheat linguine with tomato sauce. I got salad and was smart enough to ask them for no dressing and to not give me any cheese. Im happily chomping on my salad, but then a vague sense of guilt creeps over me. Im looking thru my salad but can't figure it out. Im still eating and then it hits me... GASP, im eating croutons! I forgot to ask them to hold the croutons!! OMG! Im freaking out at the table. My coworkers are cracking up bc im picking all the croutons out, fussing. Sigh, hot mess lol.
The rest of the day was uneventful. Had natural popcorn (lime and salt flavor?) for a snack at work. Then I came home and had a PB&J and an AB&J before the college tour mtg. Those are always good to hit my chocolate craving.
They just didn't last in my tummy tho.

Well im sleepy so gonna summarize:
Fasting: B
Bible Reading: C
Cleaning: D
Blogging: B

Overall: C

Good night!
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Day 1 is complete

So I took a little nap and now i'm awake. Figured I might as well give a summary....

This morning, I blogged, read Daniel 10, cleaned the upstairs bathroom, had organic oatmeal and decaffeinated tea for breakfast.

Then I went to 1st Baptist of West Mifflin for my godson's dedication. The message was 'I ain't going to hell' or something like that. It was based on the passage in Luke where the rich man is in hell talking to Abraham in heaven and eventually asks him to help his brothers so they don't end up in hell too. It was pretty good. Then we did the dedication and the pastor had us pass the baby around the circle. Felt familiar... Maybe that's how Dr. Peters used to do it?

The caffeine-withdrawal headache started around 1130 am.

Then we went to Buca di Beppo and... I broke fast :-(
I tried to plan ahead by looking at their menu and was gonna order their apple pecan salad without the cheese etc. BUT when we got there, realized that bff Shae had already reordered our family style dinner. So either I would have had to pay out of pocket for my meal, with her already having paid for me, or just suck it up and try to make do. Uh yeah that didn't work either. From the italian bread on the table to the salads (dripping in cheese and dressing) to the main course (chicken parm and spaghetti w/ meat sauce) to the gorgeous cake (see pic), there wasn't a thing I could do. So I just asked for forgiveness and ate. I'm glad I went, got to spend time with prince jay's big sisters too - vaeh and asha-Lou.

When the eater's remorse kicked in, I stopped at giant eagle on my way home. Got my bread and hummus and natural popcorn. Tryna be well prepared for this week.

Got home, ate some baked natural chips and hummus (spinach artichoke! Yum!), and just relaxed. Trying to fight the headache (I had taken 3 Tylenol earlier), I had to take an excedrin. Fell asleep around 830. Had weird dream involving coworkers. We were a team but instead of being kids specialists, we were doing something else kind of odd. Don't remember what tho. Probably literally saving the world lol!

Woke up to the nanny theme song at 1130 and voila here we are. Spent some time tweeting, watching tv. Then decided to get up and do some organizing in the downstairs bathroom.

So all in all, a good day. Mmm, maybe I should grade myself on my areas.

Fasting - fasted 2 out of 3 meals - C
Bible Reading - read 1 chapter - D
Cleaning - 2 cleaning efforts - C
Blogging - blogged twice - A

Overall - C+

Night-night for now!
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Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Next 40 Days

By the time I finish this post, the Daniel Fast will have begun. This year, in addition to fasting, I really feel now is the perfect time to work on some other areas of my life. Areas that I slack on too often. So, in hopes of starting new habits, here I go!

Area 1: Reading my Bible
Area 2: Keeping the house clean
Area 3: Blogging

Area 1 is something I should be doing but rarely have the time/focus to devote to it. Knowing me and my beliefs and my love of reading, you would think it isn't an issue. It is.

Area 2 is something I never want to do until I absolutely have to. I can always find a good excuse not to clean. So when it has to be done, I have to start 16-hr cleaning bonanzas in order to get it together. Yup, definitely an issue.

Area 3 is more of a personal challenge. Could I maintain a daily blog? I find that my journals are really the key tools to remembering my life, particularly the high school and college years. In my book, if I didn't write about it, it didn't happen. So in order to effectively capture the essence of the 30+ version of me, I think the best way to do it is via blogging.

So here's the daily plan (including the DF) : read Bible in the morning, clean something every morning and every night, blog at night.

Feeling encouraged!

BBT (Be Back Tonight)
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