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Monday, March 28, 2011

Emotional lockbox

So yesterday I went to watch A concert with my mom. It was really good and a blessing. The crazy part though was there was a man who was miming by himself. All I can say is that he was a male version of me. It turned out that he was 30 and he was so into his ministry. Except for 1 key difference I realize that his emotions were on display for everybody to see. I mean he was sobbing after he got done and i was just like wow. Im not sure i could let everyone else in to see that. I thought about it and realized that I kind of set me aside to get thru the mime. But even then, I don't really fall apart afterward. I just kind of process it. Now yes, for the most part, im in God's presence. Im just not overly emotional about it. Then it got me to thinking about how I don't like to lose control and part of me always fears that. So its like I keep the not-so-cute emotions inside, in an emotional lockbox. And every once in a while ill delve into it. I did a couple of hours before midnight on my birthday. I was just feeling bored and alone and pondering my now-31 year old fate. So I let the hurt out and cried for about 20 minutes. Then I locked the tears back in the lockbox and decided to be positive. Guess that's my coping mechanism huh?
or is it a choice? Is letting my emotions out on display something I could do if I wanted to?
Last time I sobbed in front of anyone was in the midst of one of my past relationships. You know cuz I was in love and stuff lol.
Matter of fact, my lockbox was just open during that relationship bc I had a close encounter with the holy spirit during that time period too....
Mmm... All through the relationship, there were ups and downs and a lot of tears. I had never cried so much in my life. It wasn't even like we were fighting, just stuff going on that made him unhappy so then it made me unhappy.

Then there was the first time God told me no about that particular him, I was heartbroken. I remember standing at the altar and just sobbing. I think I scared everyone that day bc like I said, I don't do that like ever.

So of course when my stupid behind got back with him, God said no again the night of the Tye Tribbett concert. I encountered God in a whole new manner that night. And when he, the ex him, started acting crazy as soon as the concert was over, i knew we were over and I was tear-free.

I don't think i've really cried in public since. I mean, other than sentimental tearjerker type stuff. You know long-lost reunions, and successful reunifications etc. But those are tear pricks. Those aren't tears running down my face. I cry a little at church every once in a while. Usually when im feeling some kind of way....

Sorry I've just been rambling but yesterday really encouraged me to get out of God's way and just open up my heart. Mmm may have to do that song again soon lol.
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