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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Finding my birthday joy

Today is a day for honesty and translucency. This ugliness has got come out of me.

Normally, my birthday is a joyous celebration, encompassing several days and incorporating as many activities as it can hold. Regularly scheduled activities that have nothing to do with me are also included in my celebration. (Why yes, Bidwell had service this weekend just for me and my birthday....) I usually have a wonderful time and its only a small thought in the back of my head (I'm still single...)

This year, I'm struggling. Because my birthday brings three glaring realities to the forefront:
1) Mommy is not here to sing to me (*sobs quietly, wipes face*)
2) There is no one here to fill that void
3) the small thought has become a loud, piercing roar...I'M STILL SINGLE!

Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family, who already have gone or are going to go above and beyond to celebrate the day of my birth. But there's nothing to replace Mommy's love and while I kinda knew that, I didn't really know it. I expected to feel sad on Mother's Day and her birthday and for Christmas to be hard. But feeling this level of sadness on my birthday has really thrown me for a loop. And I think its because my singleness and her passing have tag-teamed me and it's almost too much to bear.

So now what... Where do I go from here?  How do I find my lost birthday joy?
The answer is Jesus (duh!). Obviously, He's the only who can fill this gaping hole in my life. Obviously, I need to stop crying, stop complaining, pull out the Bible and read. Obviously!

Sounds easy huh? And it is, but I'm not going to sit here and front like it is already "well with my soul" because its not. Truth be told, I'm mad that I'm in this predicament. But maybe if I was obedient, I wouldn't be in this situation.

So, I sit here, like a rebellious child, sitting in the corner, thinking about what I've done...
I open my Word and seek out Psalms and here is the 91st chapter, verses 14-16:

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life, will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Wow, this is a live show folks, it is unscripted. Literally, that's what my eyes fell on and I read it as I typed it.

Did you just hear God fuss me out?

Let me break this down for you...

She loves me, so I'm going to rescue her (from these messy feelings); I'll continue to keep her safe (from the drama) because she is down for me and lets everyone know. If she would just call me (instead of calling everyone else), I would answer. I am with her in the times of trouble and I will deliver her. Have I left her yet?? Today is her birthday and she needs to celebrate it because she's got a lot more living to do. Then maybe she can live life the way I meant for her to do, for the rest of her days.

Well, children, there it is. Bla-dowwww *in my Eddie Kang Jr voice*

I've been secretly struggling for 3 days with this mess. And God cleaned it up with a paragraph.

God is so amazing, and wonderful, and loving, and kind. There's none like Him.
If you don't know Him, stop playing around and ask Him to come into your life.

Signed, sealed, delivered, ^ I'm His ^.

Time to go celebrate this day and every day!


P.S. - Why oh why did I not take today off? WHAT WAS I THINKING? :-)

Monday, March 5, 2012

selfish desire...

Alright, let me get this out of the way so I can move past it.
I've had an attitude since last night and woke up with it this morning.
Most times, I carry my virginal status around like a banner, holding it up for all to see "Glory be to God" etc etc, but I didn't used to always be like that... I used to hide it until the last minute

"Um sir, um did I mention I'm waiting for marriage??? Well yes, I know we're both naked... sorry about that"

Right.. so after waking up to too many letters of regret and rejection, from scribbled notes telling me I was too pure to disappearing off the face of the earth, I got tired of having my heart broken weeks into the relationship. So I started telling men up front...

"Hi its nice to meet you too. You're not getting any."
*brotha backpedals so fast I can see clouds of dust in the air*

So now I'm somewhere in the middle... I mean, its plastered on my facebook and twitter profiles and if you read my blog you would know, but I don't bring it up until they do. So when sex comes up in the conversation, I keep it real and honest.

So I'm sure my readers are wondering, so what's the problem? I mean, you've made a choice and you stuck by it. Why the attitude?

I'll tell you why... BECAUSE IT SUCKS!!!
My love life is nonexistent and my social life is... well that's ok but only bc I make it so.

With a banner like this, I should just be focused on my love for Jesus but I'm human so I struggle with it. Everyday I bitterly question God, why me??? And He patiently answers Why Not You? I ask, when am I going to find the love of my life??? And He patiently replies When Are You Going to Love Me and Others More Than You Love Yourself?

Gotta love when the Holy Spirit convicts you in the middle of blogging about yourself!

Y'know Lenten season is supposed to be about sacrifice, and when Lent is over, we should be changed. Just as Christ was crucified so that we could live, we should be crucifying something of our own.

Personally, I'm nailing my selfish desire to the cross.

What about you?

Let me get some verses on here for personal reflection:

Romans 6:6 NLT
We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.

Galatians 2:20 NLT
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 5:24 NLT
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

Galatians 6:14 NLT
As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.

Wow, God just slapped me upside the head with His Word...

Now that's love!