Today is a day for honesty and translucency. This ugliness has got come out of me.
Normally, my birthday is a joyous celebration, encompassing several days and incorporating as many activities as it can hold. Regularly scheduled activities that have nothing to do with me are also included in my celebration. (Why yes, Bidwell had service this weekend just for me and my birthday....) I usually have a wonderful time and its only a small thought in the back of my head (I'm still single...)
This year, I'm struggling. Because my birthday brings three glaring realities to the forefront:
1) Mommy is not here to sing to me (*sobs quietly, wipes face*)
2) There is no one here to fill that void
3) the small thought has become a loud, piercing roar...I'M STILL SINGLE!
Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family, who already have gone or are going to go above and beyond to celebrate the day of my birth. But there's nothing to replace Mommy's love and while I kinda knew that, I didn't really know it. I expected to feel sad on Mother's Day and her birthday and for Christmas to be hard. But feeling this level of sadness on my birthday has really thrown me for a loop. And I think its because my singleness and her passing have tag-teamed me and it's almost too much to bear.
So now what... Where do I go from here? How do I find my lost birthday joy?
The answer is Jesus (duh!). Obviously, He's the only who can fill this gaping hole in my life. Obviously, I need to stop crying, stop complaining, pull out the Bible and read. Obviously!
Sounds easy huh? And it is, but I'm not going to sit here and front like it is already "well with my soul" because its not. Truth be told, I'm mad that I'm in this predicament. But maybe if I was obedient, I wouldn't be in this situation.
So, I sit here, like a rebellious child, sitting in the corner, thinking about what I've done...
I open my Word and seek out Psalms and here is the 91st chapter, verses 14-16:
"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life, will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
Wow, this is a live show folks, it is unscripted. Literally, that's what my eyes fell on and I read it as I typed it.
Did you just hear God fuss me out?
Let me break this down for you...
She loves me, so I'm going to rescue her (from these messy feelings); I'll continue to keep her safe (from the drama) because she is down for me and lets everyone know. If she would just call me (instead of calling everyone else), I would answer. I am with her in the times of trouble and I will deliver her. Have I left her yet?? Today is her birthday and she needs to celebrate it because she's got a lot more living to do. Then maybe she can live life the way I meant for her to do, for the rest of her days.
Well, children, there it is. Bla-dowwww *in my Eddie Kang Jr voice*
I've been secretly struggling for 3 days with this mess. And God cleaned it up with a paragraph.
God is so amazing, and wonderful, and loving, and kind. There's none like Him.
If you don't know Him, stop playing around and ask Him to come into your life.
Signed, sealed, delivered, ^ I'm His ^.
Time to go celebrate this day and every day!
P.S. - Why oh why did I not take today off? WHAT WAS I THINKING? :-)