I haven't blogged in a while... It's been at least a year. I've been so busy with everything that I haven't taken the time to sit still to do it.
That's not a good thing.
See, my blogging time used to be dedicated meditation and scripture time. Where I would type out a verse or two then write a bit and then share a song. It was almost like devotions time at a Baptist church.
I'm at an odd place in my life. A place that is betwixt and between. All that I've been through in my rearview mirror, God's plan in my GPS, and I'm just driving. In my symbolic car, I've noticed an issue with my vehicle. Many years ago, a mechanic found evidence that there were squirrels living in my car. Every once in awhile I would think about them, but since they weren't causing any issues, we decided to let them be. So now, with the new issue, I wondered if they may be the root cause... I did what responsible automobile owners do and made an appointment at my garage for my yearly inspection. My vehicle passed the inspection (praise God!) but when I brought up the issue, the mechanics noticed a few things and sent my vehicle for further diagnostic testing. I got the diagnostic testing done the next day and the results have me blogging again...
So, by now, you've guessed that I'm not talking about my vehicle Cleopatra Jones but about my body and those squirrels are actually uterine fibroids. Thankfully, they're not painful but I think they may be pressing on my bladder which is the issue I noticed. No, I'm not incontinent (Praise ye the Lord!). I just noticed that like a pregnant woman, lately, I always have to pee. But instead of a baby, I have 3 fibroids in my uterus.
As I experienced my very first ultrasound where I could see the screen, an incredible and odd sense of loss began to creep in. I'm 38 1/2 and instead of seeing a little baby on screen and their little features, I'm looking at my fibroids, in 3D no less. The tech is measuring them and my eyes start to tear up a little, not because of the medical concerns, God has it handled already, but because I felt robbed...
Not that I have this burning desire to conceive and bear a child, but it's part of the package that I've always wanted right?- a husband who seeks after God's own heart and loves me, our home that is large and filled with love and children (bio, step, foster, or adoptive), and enough finances to pay all the bills and have some fun. Seeing the sonogram of my womb was an instant jolt to my reality because perhaps none of what I want will actually happen. Maybe there will never be a husband or children. Maybe I will always struggle financially and not make it to homeownership.
(Author's note: I started formulating this post on Friday Oct 19 and have been adding pieces as I go... This next part is a direct correlation to the preached Word i heard on Sunday Oct 21.)
This past weekend was dubbed #supermimeweekend because I had to minister three times - once on Saturday for a women's day lunch, once for our regular worship service, and then at a nearby church for their pastor's anniversary. I had played the songs in my Possible Solos playlist and prayed about them and was able to prepare three mimes. Each song was already significant to me, but now that I'm looking back on them, I'm like wow. More on that later.
Rev. Coleman was the guest preacher for the Sunday afternoon service and i didn't have to stay for it but since i had missed major parts of the other preached sermons that weekend, i knew I needed it. Rev. Coleman started off talking about the fig tree. You know, the one that looks like it's bearing fruit on the outside but upon closer inspection, it's barren (Matthew 21:18-22). Then she spoke about Ruth's faithfulness to Naomi (Ruth 1:16) which eventually became faithfulness to Boaz which turned into faithfulness in God's plan for her life and her lineage! Rev. Coleman's sermon title was "Faithfulness brings fruitfulness" and that message has stuck with me all week, and I think especially so, due to my series of past posts and playlists about #RuthinIt and seeing the fibroids.
What does it mean to be faithful?
During every sermon I hear, i do an internal survey to see where I fit in the subject. There's always something for me but it might not be the main subject. So as Rev. Coleman started preaching about faithfulness, i didn't think that part was for me...
You see, when i think about faithfulness, the first definition that comes to my mind is loyalty, steadfastness, dependability. And I believe that i qualify as faithful in this way. In relationship (personal or organizational), I'm not a cheater, I am down for the cause, I can be counted on...
The next definition of faithfulness that comes to mind is being a person that has faith and I'm like oh yeah, i got this one. One of my most exercised gifts is my faith in the Lord. Even on down days, I trust and believe that everything is working together for my good. And i have faith in my partners, my friends, and even humankind. I believe that they're naturally inclined to be good to me and good to others until there is evidence to the contrary. So I'm like, yeah I have faith!
Oh but then my mind kept picturing the barren fig tree. Girl, you look like you got it together but upon closer inspection 👀👀 mmmph *insert ole motha lip twist & eye roll). So I immediately thought, Lord, I'm not fruitful, show me how to be faithful...
While at Ntosake in Michigan this year, the women in my group were challenged to think about the demons in their life who have held them back from following through on God's plans and then we had to share them. A common theme among women is related to self image and self esteem. But as i sat and thought, i don't have those demons. But i do have some because I'm being held back. The demons i identified in my life are having a clean home and having a good handle on my finances. I should be able to host small meetings in my home without hours of cleaning beforehand. I should be able to offer to treat people to lunch without driving for Lyft that morning to make sure i have enough money.
Faithfulness brings fruitfulness and while I'm on the fence about bearing children, I still want to be fruitful in ALL other aspects of my life! The fruit of my home and financial life is rotten to the core and I'm sick of it. Lord, show me how to be faithful.
Yesterday, God showed me another definition of faithfulness and that is following through and keeping my promises! Even though i identified these demons a month ago and came up with an action plan to address them, I've made no progress and to be honest, both situations may have worsened. I make lists and plans and promises to myself about cleaning and making/spending/saving money. But then I procrastinate and change the plan up and the promises fall by the wayside.
How are you going to be faithful to your future husband and your children when you can't even be faithful to yourself?! This is the faithfulness you must learn and grow in to become fruitful! And then oh wow, if you've been unfaithful to yourself, how much more have you been unfaithful to God in this same way! Promising to spend time with Him and being "too busy" to follow through. Setting aside personal worship time every single day is not too much to ask for your Father and Your Friend!
Ouch.
So yeah, I'm hesitant to make promises to myself and to my readers about blogging daily or even weekly. But as I walk through this season of learning how to be faithful in my spiritual life, my home life, and my financial life, I will jot things down and share if I'm able. But really, I need to spend less time writing about what I did and plan to do to addresses these areas and more time actually doing it.
So, i leave you for now with the titles/artists I mimed to this past weekend:
Carmen Calhoun - When God Says Move
J Moss - Beyond my Reach
Marvin Sapp - Close
Thank you Lord for your faithfulness toward me. Thank you Lord for showing me how I've been so unfaithful to myself but more importantly, to You. Help me take steps and not just take notes. Help me make progress and not just make lists. I know these are not insurmountable obstacles and that I can do all things through you.
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. -- Philippians 4:8-9 NLT
Amen.
