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Monday, July 4, 2011

#IndependenceUrself Fool! *in my Chris Tucker voice*

Now they've done it! They done gone and made me angry! I tried to be peaceable, but I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more!

Have you ever realized that you don't matter to someone as much as they matter to you?

Normally, this scenario happens in relationships (I've been there too), but today I need to address when it happens in friendships.

First, let me start off by saying that I was a Campfire Girl and we used to sing this song that I really took to heart - "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold..."
For as long as I can remember, I have always held on to my friendships, from my first best friend (shoutout to Shae) to my most recent best friends. I've always been the hub friend, the friend that held the group together, because I refuse to let people go. Many friends from high school lose touch by the time they hit the 10 year reunion, I kept all of mine. And with the wonders of facebook? Heck, they've made it easy. I'll hold on to a friend forever, UNLESS you hurt my feelings, and then it's on like popcorn.

Recently, it occurred to me that one of my friends was really not my friend anymore. Surprise to me, because I felt like things were cool. I mean, adult life is busy, so I expected that we wouldn't be able to talk as much anymore or be able to go out as much anymore. Their life was super hectic and Lord knows I had a lot going on too. But then something happened and I realized that something was weird, that this isn't the way things are supposed to go. So I scheduled time to talk and made excuses for them. But when our "time to talk" got canceled (not rescheduled!), I should have known something was up. Then a scenario jumped in my head, and it made me so sad that it brought me to tears. I immediately blamed my wild imagination and made more excuses for them! I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say that I have proof that my claims are valid and my feelings are really and truly hurt.

As confrontational as I can be, I bet you're wondering why I'm blogging about it, rather than addressing it. Let's just chalk that up to extenuating circumstances, shall we? I may not address it directly, but I have to deal with it because at the end of the day, I have to protect my heart. The way I see it, I only have 2 options: Available or Unavailable.
My feelings are so close to the surface right now, that I'm not sure if I can be available and pretend like nothing is wrong. But if I go unavailable, I take the risk of them not even realizing I'm gone.  Shouldn't they be made aware of how their actions (or inactions) have caused me pain? But then if they were really my friend, wouldn't they know without me having to be obvious about it.... I could go on and on about how this person could have handled this whole situation differently and just KEPT IT REAL, but why bother because the only person I can change is me.

What a pickle!

I have to eventually address it though, that's how I'm wired.... It's just a matter of when. Might be 2 years from now, LOL!

In the meantime, I'm just grateful that I have so many other WONDERFUL friends who show it on a regular basis, and whether we get together once a week or once a year, we get together! I love y'all. And where would I be without my ultimate best friend, Jesus, who wipes every tear? With Him, I can weather any storm.

In prayer,

Friday, July 1, 2011

It's all about love

So, for the past three days, I've been posting bible verses about love. Some of you may have wondered what is going on with her??See, I've found myself back in that old situation (and I mean OLD) of unrequited love. I brought it on myself, by asking God to show me my husband even if he's not ready. Well, yeah, he's not ready and really, neither am I. I guess I thought that we would just sit in that dating stage until it was time. I don't think I realized that we would be stuck in the friend stage!

The way it works with me, is once I admit I'm into somebody, I'm all in like flynn. After realizing how deep my feelings are for him, there's no turning back. It turned on easy like a light switch, but turning it off is so much harder! Not saying that I wouldn't date someone else if the opportunity arose, because I definitely would. But I cannot commit my emotions to more than one man. I've tried it and it doesn't work for me. Kudos to those of you who can (while dating! This is not a cheating endorsement lol)

So, instead of me trying to turn my feelings off, I've decided to bear with them. After all, I brought it on myself with my foolish prayer requests. In bearing with it though, I found myself wanting to talk to him, wanting to see him, wanting to hear from him, wanting to go out with him, like all the time. I told my friends he was like heroin. I just needed a lil hit to feel good again.

Not only was this unhealthy, but the desire is unbalanced. Yeah, he texts me back, he calls me back, he goes out with me, but it's not enough for me. Just like in my friendships, I need balance. I need for my friends to put energy into maintaining our friendship the same way that I do. Even in friendships, I have backed off if I realized that I'm always calling you and not vice versa. I'm too grown to be chasing anybody. I feel like I'm amazing and you should want to be friends with me, and in his case, want me in his life. So, I'm in back-off mode.

But (backing off)... is hard to do! I tried deleting his name out of my phonebook. Not that I don't already have his number memorized (I'm good with numbers) but the fact that I would start to text him and couldn't find his name in the contact lookup gave me an extra 5 seconds to think about what I was doing and I would ask myself, "Why are you texting him if he's not in your phonebook?" Then I started texting him with just the number, so that became pointless. Then I put the title "Friend" in front of his name. Thinking that everytime I text or call him, it will be a visual reminder that we are JUST FRIENDS.

On Tuesday though, I finally had enough and decided I was done. He didn't text me back, so forget him (for now). I was mad enough to commit to this, at least temporarily. But I didn't realize how many times per day, he jumps in my thoughts. All freakin day and half the night. And it's little stuff, it's places, it's things, it's music, it's media...

So, I came up with a new initiative. What better way to fight these intrusive thoughts than with the word of God. For awhile I've been wanting to get back to regularly studying the Word and I'm still working on it. I also want to get back to memorizing chunks of the word, like in middle school.

I decided to do a search in my Bible app for the word "love", since that's what I'm preoccupied with. God's love is the only love that I can count on anyway. Every day, I pick a verse/passage that talks about love and whenever thoughts of him creep in my head, I immediately stop and recite (out loud or in my head) my memory verse. (SN: Not doing so well with the reference though. I can remember the book, but the chapter and verse are hard to retain now.)
The first one was in 1 John - We love each other because He loved us first.
The 2nd one was in one of the Corinthians - Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love. (That one earned me a retweet from WPXI's Tricia P!)
Today's is.... not memorized yet at all. See the actual verse that popped up for today was John 15:12 "This is my commandment. Love each other as I have loved you". But backing up to verse 9 makes it even fuller and picturesque of how to walk with God. Here's the full passage:  "I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way that I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."

That's very long for a memory verse, so I'll be using verse 12, but rereading the rest of the passage a couple of times throughout the day. (Love that part about overflowing joy! Who doesn't want a piece of that?)

I have to say that this aversion therapy (or maybe it's cognitive behavioral) is working. My thoughts of him are definitely decreasing. Of course I still feel a little lonely and a little sad, but I've gotta move forward. I can't sit still in my emotions.

That being said, I'm closing this post with a lil Jill Scott.

"I'm taking my freedom, putting it in my car...."
on my way to God, who loves me better!