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Friday, May 27, 2016

Reclaiming my voice

Today, during lunch, I reread every post of this blog. Something about it called to me so that’s what I did… What I found was an amazing journey of strength and weakness, prosperity and destitution, good times and not-so-good times. From my first post in 2009 to my most recent post in 2016, there were several themes that stood out: loneliness, poor financial stewardship, and prayer and praise through it all. I walked with my younger self through my life, times, and whines and it made me reflective on how far I’ve come and where I’m headed to next. A standout realization happened when I saw that I barely blogged during my last relationship… a post on the day Maya Angelou died and a post about respecting the procession of #BlackLivesMatter…

Here's to creating time and opportunities to blog... I'll do my best to maintain regularity!  

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Ruthin' It

Ruth 2:12 May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.

Soooo, where do I begin? Forgive my rambling, but this is often how it starts…

First of all, I have not blogged in quite some time. Busy with work, school, life… unsettled but too busy to realize it. Then with the semester out of the way, I found my way back to enjoyment, extra time, guilt-free TV, and running! Still, it sits inside me.

A thought or an idea would come to my head, but then I would let it fly, because who had time to write. Writing is a sacrifice, not only of your time, but also of your thoughts and your attention and your emotions. Writing takes it all out of you. Nevertheless, I knew I needed to do it. See, I have always found a special connection to my emotions when I write. I always say that I do not express myself as well as I want to in the spoken word, but in the written (with time to think), I feel like I can write and move mountains. Regardless of that, though, I do not really think of myself as a writer or that I have a story to tell. Right now, I write just to tap into those emotions - the ones that are deep inside, the ones where my spirit lives and where the Holy Spirit communes with me.

Newsflash – I do not always do what I am supposed to do. Even less surprising newsflash, I rarely do what I am supposed to do. Not that I’m outright disobedient, most of the time – I’m just so caught up in my own agenda, that I don’t hear my Father’s voice.

This is what my holding pattern is all about… This is why I have felt like I am on the edge of a precipice, ready to fall or jump any moment… I needed to hear Him. I needed to come back home to Him. I needed to strive to be closer to Him. This time of waiting, of preparation, of uncertainty is not for naught, but for my own good. I have never, in all my life, felt so peaceful in my uncertainty. My housing is up in the air, and I am just like, well, God got me. I have put feelers out there, but I am noncommittal either way. I want my housing situation (staying in my current apartment, moving to a new apartment, or buying a house) to be in order, God’s divine order. And let us just put the other thing out there – this whatever this is is cray-ridiculi-bonkers. Yes, that crazy that I had to make up a hyphenated word to attempt to describe this state. It is like an 8th grade crush, all grown up, on steroids with anointing oil. See what I am saying? Not a lick of sense in any of these words, but it perfectly describes it. And while I am on here bringing it to the forefront, so to speak, that is really all I am going to say about it. Just know that I am just a nutcase right now. And that as much as I want this situation to be resolved one way or the other, I want to be in God’s will so much more! I’ve tried it my way, over and over and over and over again and consistently end up somewhere else altogether. So, tonight, I boldly place both of these situations in God’s hands, in the name of Jesus. I am scared to relinquish them, but that is what faith is for. For too long, I have tried holding on to these situations, taking care of them, and nurturing them... No more! I can really do without the anticipation, the letdown, the buildup, the anxiety, the worry, the what ifs, the rushing, the planning. God, I want you to take control and have your way. Your will, not mine. And for me to be sitting still in your perfect peace, just waiting on my instructions!

To paraphrase Boaz, may the Lord God, in whom I place all my trust and in whom I find shelter, reward me fully for what I have done.

Reading, writing, watching, and praying – we’ll see if there are any more posts in down there. 

That is it for tonight,

Ruthin’ Rynnie