Pardon me while I try to put this in order... It all happened while driving, so now I'm trying to recreate my crazy thoughts. Bear with me y'all!
So all I've been trying to do is write something worthy of open mic... But emotionally, I'm cool. Pain and loneliness used to be my only muse and now... I'm just okay.
So, tonight, after having an impromptu meeting with him, I drove home with my brow all frowned up... thinking about the ins and outs of the conversation we just held - at the bar no less. (I'm thinking I'm going to call it "pub therapy"). Something about tonight's convo was different. Something about tonight's hug was different. Not quite sure what, but something different happened. Something different than my imagination running away with itself and creating feelings where there was none. Still don't know what was different so all the way home, I pondered and thought about several things and tried to compose poetry/prose in my head. Decided that this long-standing drama should be more than enough muse for something because it just brings my head turmoil. Decided I would make a series of prosetry (lol) and call it "The Book of Rodney" and each new piece would be a chapter in the book. (Now, obviously, his name isn't Rodney and I barely know any Rodneys, so that's why the name works.) Each piece would cover a different chapter in our so-called history... the beginning so many years ago and the current nowness of it all.... I quickly fantasized about me reading these poems at open mic night, then one night, inviting him and reading them in front of him. Just daydreaming about it gave me palpitations!
Then I started to honestly think about where we've been and what we talked about tonight and how I just have so much hope for him in his situation and how it's finally getting better - if only he could see it! I challenged him to do something different in hopes that he would find what he's looking for. Then I started thinking about what He really needs - God back in His life. That sounds like an "easy button" answer, but forreal, he really does. And as I thought about that, I thought about how that wasn't the answer I wanted. Because somehow it seems easier to connect him to people, places, and things, but to feel responsible for helping him reconnect with God? Yikes that's just scary. But despite my fears, it is the answer and I thought about how good that would be for him and it occurred to me how much I cared and then somewhere like a lightning bolt out of the sky, it hit me!
I love him.
Gosh that's even hard to write, let alone think, and never say!
Then I barraged myself, like, what are you serious? What can you possibly be in love with? But it was the non-answers to that question that were the answer. Because it's indescribable, because it's nonsensical, because I can't let it go after so many years! So I accepted it, then everything in my head fell into place, like pieces in a puzzle.
See, every once in a while, I get on the straight and narrow and stumble upon God's plan for my life. It's hard to explain, but what's been on my mind as of late all made sense. My prayer lately (the prayers re: my future husband) have been focused on ok-God-I-know-I'm-not-ready-but.... and the most recent installment was along the lines of - I know you didn't bring me this far to leave me, You wouldn't have given me this desire to love and be loved for nothing, I know I'm not ready and I know he's not ready, But God! Please at least give me the peace of knowing that he exists, show me who he is so I can rest in your promises, I promise God I'll do right this time... I won't rush it, I'll wait for You until You say it's time for him! (Sidenote: I am such a brat! I'll never understand why God puts up with my foolishness!)
So after tonight's crazy revelation, it made no sense yet it made perfect sense. So I just began talking to God and thanking Him for loving me enough to put up with my silly prayer requests. I prayed for him and that God would bring His child back into His arms, somehow someway, but if it has to be me through me then Lord okay... I'm so high drama lol. I prayed that some part of our conversation tonight would bug him as much as last week's conversation did (when I said he's a jerk sometimes *whoops*). I acknowledged to God that witnessing, evangelizing, talking extensively about what God has done for me is not one of my current gifts. But I know that my faith in God is a great testimony and that my joy in the Lord is also God-given. (He referred to it as my aura tonight) The fact that I can bounce back from a crisis the next day with a smile on my face used to be something I took for granted, but now I praise God for it. So, I just prayed for him tonight and that he would just see me, not as a potential wife, but as a testimony to God's favor and awesomeness.
And that's all I could do. But I gotta sit still! That's the key. In the last 3 weeks, every time I have purposefully not called him, texted him, etc, that's when he's reached out to me. Time for me to stop being the aggressor and the chaser, and let God do what He does best. I just need to stay out of His way and let him work!
Funny how tonight at Session we talked about how sometimes our words are SO UNNECESSARY when praying to God, and sometimes it's just the strength of our faith alone. Yeah, I haven't learned that lesson yet, but I'm trying!
K I'm going to bed. My back is hurting from this crazy low office chair.