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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Somebody was supposed to be here...

This a.m. I am a bundle of emotions... I feel like I do when its that time. During "that time", I generally get into the rut of lonely & abandoned (I.e. nobody loves me, nobody cares, blah, blah, blah). So its weird to feel like this today. Clearly its not true, clearly I have wonderful friends who are always there for me. But today as I continue to sift thru the rest of mommy's mountain of stuff, I realize that I'm alone. Somebody was supposed to be here when Mommy left. Somebody was supposed to be here to fill the gap of losing her. And all I have is who I already had.

"I thought we had a deal!"

God already told us that He'll never put more us than we can bear. This is a lot but I will get through it!

So as I try to banish these feelings of self-pity, I cling to Jesus, the One who loves me the most. The one who I should be clamoring to get closer to, rather than some man!

Pray for me. You already know I'm praying for you!


Sunday, February 5, 2012

Dream Maryn is doing better than i thought...

So, since my mom transitioned to glory, I've kinda been in a holding pattern... waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been coping so well, but I'm such an excellent coper (lol) that I thought I might be too good... just holding it in until I could let it go...

See the fam is still here, but expected to go home today. While I love my family, I am ready to have my house back to myself (even though its only mine for 4 more weeks...)

Anyway, in my dreams I tend to keep things as they were. E.g. -My home is usually the house I grew up in. So its been weird that I haven't dreamt that my mom was still alive. Until this morning, I hadn't dreamt anything about her at all! Again I thought this was just a delay of grief.

But guess what? This am, I dreamt about church and was trying to gather everyone in the hallway who supported us during this whole process. I was going to tap them on the shoulder and they would know to stand up so I could pray with them. It was kinda odd but the point is that Dream Maryn who likes to imagine the best in life knows Mommy is gone too.

I know that this process has barely begun, but hooray for coping, I guess!