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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Calling on you, Jesus...

I might not be able to sleep tonight.... There's so much going on.
Just watched Jay-Z's video in shock and disbelief, in how far he's gone (in terms of this whole demonic imaging thing). That video, made me want to hide in my prayer closet and STAY THERE... Anyway, that's not what I'm really on here tonight...

I suppose what's really got me upset is having issues in my family that I can't do anything about. It feels terrible to want to help someone, but be powerless. So as I sit here, praying for the phone to ring to let me know everything is okay, I figured I'd blog.

You know, in my job, we joke about mental health issues, all the time. It's sad to say, but we do, particularly in downtown McKeesport, where my office building is. Due to the fact that all of the social services (mental health/mental retardation, Welfare, WIC, Social Security, career counseling, GED program, aging, and child welfare) are within a 1/4 mile radius of each other, I see some of the most disturbed and disturbing people outside of my office building. Most of the time, if we're not scared to death, we laugh at all of the craziness and just blame it on the area.... but truth be told, people are accessing the services they're in need of, which is actually a good thing. But yet, in our minds, we degrade these people, believing that they're less than....

Tonight, though, mental health issues are far from funny. There are some people who've been sick for years, with depression or schizophrenia, who are constantly in a cycle of illness and recovery that they never seem to get out of. And for those who self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, the cycle is even worse. But then there are those people who lead normal, everyday lives, whom you would never know anything was wrong until.... it strikes. Something that causes the chemicals in their brain to unbalance. Seems to me that its due to an overflow of not-so-positive emotions. That something happens that upsets the person, and neurotransmitters start acting up, and oh boy, you've got an episode on your hands. And all of a sudden, without warning, the world for them flips sideways and everything is different. You're not eating the same. You're not sleeping the same. Nothing looks the same, nothing smells the same, people aren't acting the same. You know something is wrong, but you can't figure out what happened? So, your guard goes up. You become mistrustful of everything. Things that you could normally brush past and ignore, you can't now because they might be able to tell you how to fix this. But instead, all the extra worry just pulls you in........

Such a vicious cycle! I can't even imagine having this happen to me, without warning.... Jesus!

Well, all I can do is listen and pray and pray and listen until its over. Before long, the normal and ordinary will return and we'll forget the episode even occurred.

Placing ALL my trust in Jesus, the lover of my soul


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My name is Maryn and I'm a Virgin *GASP*

Geez, how do I begin? I mean, this has been weighing on me for a minute... This need to share my story, my testimony (or at least a snippet from it) but I keep putting it off... So what better time than a night when I should be asleep but am still wired... A lot of stuff on my mind after tonight but *inhale, exhale*, here it goes....

Almost everyone knows that my 30th birthday is quickly approaching and like most people, I'm measuring my accomplishments and finding myself short of my original goals. Pretty standard, I think, "By the time I'm 30, I'll be married with at least 1 child, a homeowner, and have my Masters Degree". Funny, how I just named all of the things I don't have, but I'm blessed with so many other things that I'm okay... Except the one thing that's bugging me is this whole wife/mother thing. Probably because 90% of my BFFs are married mothers. Another 7% are engaged. So, the phrase, always a bridesmaid... Yeah, you know the rest.
But here's the real kicker, me being single and childless isn't just your standard "I'm waiting for Mr. Right..." No, its so much more than that.

I'm a virgin. (Wow, that was kinda hard to type!) And I'm waiting for marriage. And before you start thinking "Awww, how sweet", know that its anything but. Know that my virgin status does not equal my innocence, at all! I just made a promise and stuck with it... Whenever I'm in a relationship, and things start getting hot and heavy, I always joke that I'm a VIP (Virgin in Peril). Trust me when I tell you, I've been awfully close SEVERAL TIMES (playing with fire) and its only by God's grace that its still intact. The situations I've been in could have easily led to non consensual sex but thanks be to God for God-fearing men who heeded His warnings.

My decision to wait for marriage was not an immediate one. If someone would have told me in middle school, that I would eventually wait for marriage, even to age 30, I would have never believed it. In middle school, being a virgin was more lack of opportunity then anything else. In high school, though, after I gave my life to Christ, it was the expected behavior of a Christian and in college, the fear that I would end up pregnant, just because that's how I expected God to work in my hard-headed life. Afterward, in post-college adulthood, it became my personal quest to break the cycle of unwed mothers in my familial line and I refused to have sex without being married for fear that I would break my promise. Nowadays, its wavering resolve. I say, wavering, because I NEVER imagined I would be a 30-year-old virgin and of course the childish part of me wants to challenge God (God, if I'm not engaged by 11:30pm EST on 3-26-10, I'm sleeping with the first man I run into...) But that never lasts long cause I know it wouldn't be worth it. I mean, why risk the blessing that I KNOW God has in store for me for being obedient? So, still I wait....and wait...and wait. And of course, God will never put more on you than you can bear, so I'm back to lack of opportunity. God knows how vulnerable I am right now. I'd be liable to lay down with anybody out of desparity!

Anyway, I'm also trying to come to terms that it may not even be in His Will for me to marry and/or have children, something I hate to admit I even worry about. But I do! What if God's given me this desire to marry a man I can love and support and nurture and be fully loved by in return, but instead I'm to use that love in service to Him? What if I'm surrounded by all these children (godkids, work, church) because I'll never have my own? And especially with the feeling that we're in the last days... I don't know. God loves me and knows the plans He has for me and wouldn't give me such strong desire if He never intended for me to have it... Or is that desire/temptation my cross to bear?

At this point, I have no idea, but in the meantime, I continue to thank God for keeping me because my lifestyle is always peaceful and safe. No pregnancy or STD scares. No worries about taking care of a child's expenses when I barely manage to cover my own. No baby daddy drama or forsaken love ties to men who weren't meant to be in my life in the first place! For all of that, I'm thankful.

So now, I need to flip VIP to Virgin in Prayer because that's what's going to bring me through! I continue to pray that there's a husband for me. But if not, God knows what's best for me and I pray for the ability to trust Him and that I'll find joy in His will for my life, come what may.

Whew! This was hard to write, but I guess I felt compelled because somebody out there is struggling with abstinence too. Maybe you're one of the few virgins out there who are thinking about giving in. Maybe you're just single and trying to remain celibate until you're married. I have no idea, but "I, therefore, urge you" to keep your promise. Whoever/Whatever God has in store for you in the future, is worth the wait. And if you're struggling with this and in a relationship now, God be with you and your boo, that you both can remain chaste and obedient!

I'm a living testimony, trying to remain in God's favor, despite what a hot mess I am!

Pray for me y'all! You already know I'm praying for you.

In His Service (Obediently),
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry