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Monday, July 4, 2011

#IndependenceUrself Fool! *in my Chris Tucker voice*

Now they've done it! They done gone and made me angry! I tried to be peaceable, but I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more!

Have you ever realized that you don't matter to someone as much as they matter to you?

Normally, this scenario happens in relationships (I've been there too), but today I need to address when it happens in friendships.

First, let me start off by saying that I was a Campfire Girl and we used to sing this song that I really took to heart - "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold..."
For as long as I can remember, I have always held on to my friendships, from my first best friend (shoutout to Shae) to my most recent best friends. I've always been the hub friend, the friend that held the group together, because I refuse to let people go. Many friends from high school lose touch by the time they hit the 10 year reunion, I kept all of mine. And with the wonders of facebook? Heck, they've made it easy. I'll hold on to a friend forever, UNLESS you hurt my feelings, and then it's on like popcorn.

Recently, it occurred to me that one of my friends was really not my friend anymore. Surprise to me, because I felt like things were cool. I mean, adult life is busy, so I expected that we wouldn't be able to talk as much anymore or be able to go out as much anymore. Their life was super hectic and Lord knows I had a lot going on too. But then something happened and I realized that something was weird, that this isn't the way things are supposed to go. So I scheduled time to talk and made excuses for them. But when our "time to talk" got canceled (not rescheduled!), I should have known something was up. Then a scenario jumped in my head, and it made me so sad that it brought me to tears. I immediately blamed my wild imagination and made more excuses for them! I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say that I have proof that my claims are valid and my feelings are really and truly hurt.

As confrontational as I can be, I bet you're wondering why I'm blogging about it, rather than addressing it. Let's just chalk that up to extenuating circumstances, shall we? I may not address it directly, but I have to deal with it because at the end of the day, I have to protect my heart. The way I see it, I only have 2 options: Available or Unavailable.
My feelings are so close to the surface right now, that I'm not sure if I can be available and pretend like nothing is wrong. But if I go unavailable, I take the risk of them not even realizing I'm gone.  Shouldn't they be made aware of how their actions (or inactions) have caused me pain? But then if they were really my friend, wouldn't they know without me having to be obvious about it.... I could go on and on about how this person could have handled this whole situation differently and just KEPT IT REAL, but why bother because the only person I can change is me.

What a pickle!

I have to eventually address it though, that's how I'm wired.... It's just a matter of when. Might be 2 years from now, LOL!

In the meantime, I'm just grateful that I have so many other WONDERFUL friends who show it on a regular basis, and whether we get together once a week or once a year, we get together! I love y'all. And where would I be without my ultimate best friend, Jesus, who wipes every tear? With Him, I can weather any storm.

In prayer,

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