This morning, in spite of my tiredness and my biology trying to come for me, I woke up with a praise song in my heart! It's a song we sing in the choir...
"I will praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord. For He alone is worthy of all my praise. I will praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord. For He alone is worthy. For He alone is worthy. For He alone is worthy. Worthy of all praise!"
As I began to contemplate that age old battle, should I hit snooze or end on my alarm, I realized that I was sleepy, my brain is awake. So, I am laying in my bed this a.m. as I blog...
This morning, I opened my Bible and re-read that verse that's been carrying me through this recent trial. I started thinking about my most recent conversation with my pastor. We were talking about my dilemma in wanting to go to grad school, but not being sure where I was supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do. she was curious why seminary was on the list of possibilities for me and I told her I honestly didn't know, part of me just felt like I was supposed to and the more we talked about it, the less I could identify what made me request info from them. Pondering that conversation this morning, I think I've arrived at the why of it all...
I've blogged previously about how God has always had to have a hard hand with me because I always want to choose my path, then ask the Lord to bless it after I've already chosen it. There are so many instances in my life where God has had to literally step in and intervene, if only to steer me in the direction that I was supposed to go. There are 3 major incidents in my life that come to mind immediately. 1.) the lime vodka incident of 1996 - which traumatized me for years by proxy, but lead me to stop playing around with alcohol and wait until I was old enough to legally drink it. 2.) The time I got an F in Cross-Cultural Psychology. I never turned in the take-home final, bc I had made the ridiculous decision to sell my books back before the semester was over. Being prideful, I didn't want to admit what I had done to my professor and Failure to participate in the final is an automatic F. 3.) The time that God clearly wanted me to work at CYF, but I didn't want to, so I chose to work in behavioral health until I got fired for being honest and ended up at CYF anyway...
My hardheadedness is epic, but look what God has done in my life, despite my failings?? I have grown and flourished in so many ways because has God has kept me on HIS path.
So, I've finally come to trust God, even when I don't necessarily hear what He's saying. When the word Seminary was uttered as a possible possibility for me, some years ago, I immediately began to backpedal. Noooooooo! So this year, when the word returned, I actually started to consider it because I was so adamant against it. Does that make sense? Because of my past experiences, I started to think that maybe my loud and fervent NOs were just the precursor to God getting what He wants anyway, so I might as well just start giving in now. Meanwhile, I hadn't received God's call, I just assumed that's what was going on. I asked God to tell me which school to pick and didn't hear anything. A friend suggested that I stop trying to limit God and just ask Him to direct my path. Here, in this season of Lenten preparation, that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm praying for clear direction on Easter Sunday.
Today, I read the book of Jonah and chuckled to myself. He is so me! God tells him what to do and he runs away from it. God intervenes in the awol directly and Jonah ends up exactly the place he didn't want to be. Jonah gives in and begins to prophesy that Ninevah is going to be destroyed by God. The city and its ruler begin to repent to God and they are not destroyed. Good ending right? Sure, but not in Jonah's eyes. Instead of being happy that the people changed their ways and have been saved from God's wrath, Jonah gets an attitude. And I bet it had less to do with Nineveh deserving the punishment and more to do with Jonah's pride. He has gone around the city for 3 days straight, warning them of God's wrath, only for it not to happen. I can only imagine that he felt stupid and like everyone else agreed! Then he got angry. How dare God make him look stupid? Forget that grace and mercy that saved him from drowning in the ocean three days ago, Jonah doesn't think that grace and mercy should apply to Nineveh. So Jonah is mad and has the audacity to tell God he has the right to be mad. God shows him continuing grace and mercy and doesn't smite him on the spot. Instead, he gently reminds him of who He is as God the creator, God our Father and its awesome. God the Father puts up with sulky "teenage" Me all the time and I wonder why lol. Then the book of Jonah abruptly comes to an end... I wonder what happened next in Jonah's life?
Time to get ready for work.
Have a lovely day!
-Maryn
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