Finding my birthday joy

Today is a day for honesty and translucency. This ugliness has got come out of me.

Normally, my birthday is a joyous celebration, encompassing several days and incorporating as many activities as it can hold. Regularly scheduled activities that have nothing to do with me are also included in my celebration. (Why yes, Bidwell had service this weekend just for me and my birthday....) I usually have a wonderful time and its only a small thought in the back of my head (I'm still single...)

This year, I'm struggling. Because my birthday brings three glaring realities to the forefront:
1) Mommy is not here to sing to me (*sobs quietly, wipes face*)
2) There is no one here to fill that void
3) the small thought has become a loud, piercing roar...I'M STILL SINGLE!

Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family, who already have gone or are going to go above and beyond to celebrate the day of my birth. But there's nothing to replace Mommy's love and while I kinda knew that, I didn't really know it. I expected to feel sad on Mother's Day and her birthday and for Christmas to be hard. But feeling this level of sadness on my birthday has really thrown me for a loop. And I think its because my singleness and her passing have tag-teamed me and it's almost too much to bear.

So now what... Where do I go from here?  How do I find my lost birthday joy?
The answer is Jesus (duh!). Obviously, He's the only who can fill this gaping hole in my life. Obviously, I need to stop crying, stop complaining, pull out the Bible and read. Obviously!

Sounds easy huh? And it is, but I'm not going to sit here and front like it is already "well with my soul" because its not. Truth be told, I'm mad that I'm in this predicament. But maybe if I was obedient, I wouldn't be in this situation.

So, I sit here, like a rebellious child, sitting in the corner, thinking about what I've done...
I open my Word and seek out Psalms and here is the 91st chapter, verses 14-16:

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life, will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Wow, this is a live show folks, it is unscripted. Literally, that's what my eyes fell on and I read it as I typed it.

Did you just hear God fuss me out?

Let me break this down for you...

She loves me, so I'm going to rescue her (from these messy feelings); I'll continue to keep her safe (from the drama) because she is down for me and lets everyone know. If she would just call me (instead of calling everyone else), I would answer. I am with her in the times of trouble and I will deliver her. Have I left her yet?? Today is her birthday and she needs to celebrate it because she's got a lot more living to do. Then maybe she can live life the way I meant for her to do, for the rest of her days.

Well, children, there it is. Bla-dowwww *in my Eddie Kang Jr voice*

I've been secretly struggling for 3 days with this mess. And God cleaned it up with a paragraph.

God is so amazing, and wonderful, and loving, and kind. There's none like Him.
If you don't know Him, stop playing around and ask Him to come into your life.

Signed, sealed, delivered, ^ I'm His ^.

Time to go celebrate this day and every day!

ttyl,
BlueLady

P.S. - Why oh why did I not take today off? WHAT WAS I THINKING? :-)

selfish desire...

Alright, let me get this out of the way so I can move past it.
I've had an attitude since last night and woke up with it this morning.
Most times, I carry my virginal status around like a banner, holding it up for all to see "Glory be to God" etc etc, but I didn't used to always be like that... I used to hide it until the last minute

"Um sir, um did I mention I'm waiting for marriage??? Well yes, I know we're both naked... sorry about that"

Right.. so after waking up to too many letters of regret and rejection, from scribbled notes telling me I was too pure to disappearing off the face of the earth, I got tired of having my heart broken weeks into the relationship. So I started telling men up front...

"Hi its nice to meet you too. You're not getting any."
*brotha backpedals so fast I can see clouds of dust in the air*

So now I'm somewhere in the middle... I mean, its plastered on my facebook and twitter profiles and if you read my blog you would know, but I don't bring it up until they do. So when sex comes up in the conversation, I keep it real and honest.

So I'm sure my readers are wondering, so what's the problem? I mean, you've made a choice and you stuck by it. Why the attitude?

I'll tell you why... BECAUSE IT SUCKS!!!
My love life is nonexistent and my social life is... well that's ok but only bc I make it so.

With a banner like this, I should just be focused on my love for Jesus but I'm human so I struggle with it. Everyday I bitterly question God, why me??? And He patiently answers Why Not You? I ask, when am I going to find the love of my life??? And He patiently replies When Are You Going to Love Me and Others More Than You Love Yourself?

*ouch*
Gotta love when the Holy Spirit convicts you in the middle of blogging about yourself!

Y'know Lenten season is supposed to be about sacrifice, and when Lent is over, we should be changed. Just as Christ was crucified so that we could live, we should be crucifying something of our own.

Personally, I'm nailing my selfish desire to the cross.

What about you?

Update:
Let me get some verses on here for personal reflection:

Romans 6:6 NLT
We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.

Galatians 2:20 NLT
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 5:24 NLT
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

Galatians 6:14 NLT
As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.

Wow, God just slapped me upside the head with His Word...

Now that's love!

Somebody was supposed to be here...

This a.m. I am a bundle of emotions... I feel like I do when its that time. During "that time", I generally get into the rut of lonely & abandoned (I.e. nobody loves me, nobody cares, blah, blah, blah). So its weird to feel like this today. Clearly its not true, clearly I have wonderful friends who are always there for me. But today as I continue to sift thru the rest of mommy's mountain of stuff, I realize that I'm alone. Somebody was supposed to be here when Mommy left. Somebody was supposed to be here to fill the gap of losing her. And all I have is who I already had.

"I thought we had a deal!"

God already told us that He'll never put more us than we can bear. This is a lot but I will get through it!

So as I try to banish these feelings of self-pity, I cling to Jesus, the One who loves me the most. The one who I should be clamoring to get closer to, rather than some man!

Pray for me. You already know I'm praying for you!

BlueLady

Dream Maryn is doing better than i thought...

So, since my mom transitioned to glory, I've kinda been in a holding pattern... waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been coping so well, but I'm such an excellent coper (lol) that I thought I might be too good... just holding it in until I could let it go...

See the fam is still here, but expected to go home today. While I love my family, I am ready to have my house back to myself (even though its only mine for 4 more weeks...)

Anyway, in my dreams I tend to keep things as they were. E.g. -My home is usually the house I grew up in. So its been weird that I haven't dreamt that my mom was still alive. Until this morning, I hadn't dreamt anything about her at all! Again I thought this was just a delay of grief.

But guess what? This am, I dreamt about church and was trying to gather everyone in the hallway who supported us during this whole process. I was going to tap them on the shoulder and they would know to stand up so I could pray with them. It was kinda odd but the point is that Dream Maryn who likes to imagine the best in life knows Mommy is gone too.

I know that this process has barely begun, but hooray for coping, I guess!

When God Comes Calling...

I was supposed to blog a minute ago, but in the midst of all the drama, I just didn't have the energy.
So now, as I sit and wait, would be a good time to get something down "on paper" as it were.

So, if you know me, you know that my mom was diagnosed with cancer a while ago (fPLUG -> peruse my post "Words that Start With C"). My mom pretty much two-stepped her way through chemotherapy, radiation, explorative surgery, and the Cyberknife (sounds scary just the brand name for a new kind of pinpoint radiation). Mommy was working part-time, going to seminary part-time, singing in 3 choirs, etc.... Just busy! Now you know where I get it from ;-)
But things actually got a little funky this past August. I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. Mommy kept talking about having problems with her nutrition... What she didn't say is that her appetite was waning and food wasn't tasting the same. They increased her diabetes meds but that messed with her tummy so she started avoiding certain foods. I did notice that she had less energy and seemed to get tired easily. But she was going to the dr and I entrusted them to figure out what was wrong... IF I have a regret, it is this...
Fast forward to Thanksgiving, when I realize I have a very thin mom who isn't eating much. I mean, I have made the trip to VA more times than I can count and each time, my mom has eaten before the trip, during the trip, when we got there and on the way back. Heck, when she was diagnosed with diabetes, it gave her an excuse to walk around with a snack bag LOL. My mom has always been a slender woman, she might have been plus sized in the 90s, but she just has always enjoyed eating. I say all that to say that my wake up call happened on that day. On the way down, mommy ate an apple... for Thanksgiving dinner she ate a cornish hen drumstick, a spoonful of greens, a spoonful of macncheese, and a half a slice of sweet potato pie =-O. I also noted how bony her arms and legs had become and driving back to Pittsburgh that night, the alarm bells clanged in my head. Mommy said that when she chewed food, she felt like she was 2. I didn't have a clue what that meant but I knew it was worth paying attention to.

So needless to say, things got dramatic after that. The very next am, mommy had severe chills but no fever. I get these sometimes and I think it has something to do with my digestion, and that was my theory for her, that she had developed IBS in the midst of these stomach issues so my game plan was to take her to the doc on Monday am... we never made it there. Saturday I get up with the mission on my mind - Operation Feed Mommy. I went to the store and got her anything and everything that was soft and/or easy to prepare. I come home and find that mommy looks dehydrated, is feverish, and is talking a little weird!
*pause* My college and grad school educated, former English teacher, published poet, exegesis-writing Mother is not talking 100% comprehensible. Maybe every 7th word was odd. THAT'S IT! WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL NOW! I'll never forget how she said "We are??"
And that was the last day Mommy was home.
now at this part we're just going to summarize...
ER, severe dehydration, blood cultures, septicemia (as much as I watch House, how did I not see that?!), bloody stools, ICU, tumor is bigger, the cure could kill her so let's do comfort care (hospice), IV antibiotics, IV fluids, major edema, "I came in here skinny and come out a fat woman", discharge to nursing home to finish meds, gather aging resources so she is not home by herself all the time, mommy starts PT and is moving with walker, vomiting of blood, return to hospital, bleeding ulcers, sister "surprise visit", attempt to cauterize ulcers abandoned bc an ulcer has perforated her duodenum, sister frantically calls me at work, ventilator, NG tube, charades with mommy lol, too sick to be transported to hospice, she has hours/days to live, rush niece and great niece here on bus, tubes removed so mommy can talk, mommy rebounds!, now she's too well for hospice!, house is too far away so we stay across the street at Family House, Christmas for great niece!,more bloody stools, ok hospice maybe, we do shifts so mommy is never alone, severe cough develops in ICU, condition H, med mixups, incompetent staff, patient relations, finally transport to Center for Compassionate Care, sigh of relief, finally COMFORT!, sister and I make pre arrangements just in case!, NYE at church then leave early to countdown with mommy, Mommy's "hey where the party at?" LOL, sister, niece and great niece go back to Virginia on New Years Day.
And that's about where we were when I started this danged post on Jan 7.

Its now Jan 24 and I finish this as we continue to prep for mommy's funeral. Mommy had some wonderful days at the CCC, but she was ready to get back to her life. She wanted to be able to start PT again so she could be catheter or bedpan free. She wanted to finish her paper that was due on Christian Education. She wanted to get back to church and life as she knew it.
But God said He wanted her home. On 1-16, the day before she was supposed to be discharged to a nursing home, she began to withdraw from the world.  By 1-17, she was not responsive at all. She was in a deep sleep. Called my sister and stayed by mommy's side. I grieved a lot then. Sis came in town on 1-18 and we grieved together. Decided to take a break and told mommy it was ok for her to go before I got back. I drove across town and had pie with my besties. Mommy did exactly as I wished and stopped breathing at 10:41 pm. Sister and I prayed together at her side and mommy smiled! It was truly well with her soul!

So grateful that despite all those horrible symptoms, she was symptom-free when God came calling her name. She was at peace and that peace washed over me.

Trying my hardest to hold on to that peace, but that's another post for another time!

My love to everyone who prayed for me in these last 9 weeks or so!

Peace,
Mommy's Girl

This particular phrase has been rolling around in my head for about 3 months now...

"If you cared, then you would care..."
I kept trying to blog about it, but it just didn't make sense. It was like a game of taboo or the Secret Word skit on SNL. This phrase would pop into my head every time I thought about some friends and how I felt that I was the one pulling all the "weight" in the friendship... Part of my ongoing struggle to relinquish people who don't want to be held on to... People who show me over and over again, by their actions or lack thereof, that they could care less about me and my feelings.
So it kept rolling around, 

"If you cared, then you would care..."
But tonight I FINALLY cracked the code! See caring by definition has two uses: to care (with the object) means "to feel concern about" while to care (without the object) means "to be concerned or solicitous; have thought or regard"  Caring is both a thinking and a doing word, a mental and a physical word. So if you care about me in general, care that I exist then that feeling would manifest as actions or words. I knew this principle applied to Love (ala Brownstone - If you love me, say it!) but I never thought about it in regards to Care... This phrase jumps in my head when I realize my expectations are too high in a friendship/relationship. I almost called two friends tonight to invite them out out and update them on everything, but then I remembered 

"If you cared, then you would care..."
If you were really my friend, you would know what's going on because we would have talked in the past 10 days. These days have given me a big reality check - reminded me that my parents are getting older and will inevitably need me more. Being the only child who is "present" on both sides, can be emotionally and physically draining. I need less weight in 2012, not more. I can't continue to carry these one-sided friendships. I can't love someone more than they love themselves. I need to pour my energy into people who are going to pour it back into me.

If they cared, then they would care... 
But they don't so I gotta move on.

"Girl, WHO?!" *hands on hips, neck rolling, in my auntie's voice* LOL

-BlueLady

I think I had my #CyberMond​ay last Wednesday :-o

So....


I've been a tad obsessed with duck boots. So obsessed that I bid on like 8 pairs on eBay! (I also bid on 4 pairs of rainboots, Whoopsies!)

Now normally when I crazybid like that, its on something like an iPod and I put a maximum bid of like $40 so I get severely outbid and win nothing. Well apparently the value of pre-owned duckboots is lower than i thought. Except for the 1st pair, my max bid was $20.... So not only did I win the first overpriced fur-lined duck boots (interestingly enough, they are green! #dontjudgeme), I've since won a pair of construction-esque duck boots with a higher ankle, a pair of neon green rainboots, and a lovely pair of black/white patterned rainboots...
My shoe heart is jumping for joy, but my wallet's virtual pillow is wet with tears.... Sigh!
 
Thank God I lost 3 auctions already and I've been outbid on 3 more auctions. There are still 2 more auctions out there, and it looks like I'm the only bidder for another construction-esque pair of duckboots. So those will probably be mine too :-/ I'm almost at my max for these very nice leopard-print cowboy-styled rainboots.... Its bad, but I just increased my bid on those, bc I really want them now LOL.
 
I'm going to go stand in the corner, but if you're interested, I've posted pics of my wins, losses, and pendings on my tumblr. Enjoy!
http://mformley1920.tumblr.com/
 
Happy Cyber Monday everybody!!
 
-BlueLady a/k/a "Pittsburgh's Imelda Marcos"