Somebody was supposed to be here...

This a.m. I am a bundle of emotions... I feel like I do when its that time. During "that time", I generally get into the rut of lonely & abandoned (I.e. nobody loves me, nobody cares, blah, blah, blah). So its weird to feel like this today. Clearly its not true, clearly I have wonderful friends who are always there for me. But today as I continue to sift thru the rest of mommy's mountain of stuff, I realize that I'm alone. Somebody was supposed to be here when Mommy left. Somebody was supposed to be here to fill the gap of losing her. And all I have is who I already had.

"I thought we had a deal!"

God already told us that He'll never put more us than we can bear. This is a lot but I will get through it!

So as I try to banish these feelings of self-pity, I cling to Jesus, the One who loves me the most. The one who I should be clamoring to get closer to, rather than some man!

Pray for me. You already know I'm praying for you!

BlueLady

Dream Maryn is doing better than i thought...

So, since my mom transitioned to glory, I've kinda been in a holding pattern... waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been coping so well, but I'm such an excellent coper (lol) that I thought I might be too good... just holding it in until I could let it go...

See the fam is still here, but expected to go home today. While I love my family, I am ready to have my house back to myself (even though its only mine for 4 more weeks...)

Anyway, in my dreams I tend to keep things as they were. E.g. -My home is usually the house I grew up in. So its been weird that I haven't dreamt that my mom was still alive. Until this morning, I hadn't dreamt anything about her at all! Again I thought this was just a delay of grief.

But guess what? This am, I dreamt about church and was trying to gather everyone in the hallway who supported us during this whole process. I was going to tap them on the shoulder and they would know to stand up so I could pray with them. It was kinda odd but the point is that Dream Maryn who likes to imagine the best in life knows Mommy is gone too.

I know that this process has barely begun, but hooray for coping, I guess!

When God Comes Calling...

I was supposed to blog a minute ago, but in the midst of all the drama, I just didn't have the energy.
So now, as I sit and wait, would be a good time to get something down "on paper" as it were.

So, if you know me, you know that my mom was diagnosed with cancer a while ago (fPLUG -> peruse my post "Words that Start With C"). My mom pretty much two-stepped her way through chemotherapy, radiation, explorative surgery, and the Cyberknife (sounds scary just the brand name for a new kind of pinpoint radiation). Mommy was working part-time, going to seminary part-time, singing in 3 choirs, etc.... Just busy! Now you know where I get it from ;-)
But things actually got a little funky this past August. I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. Mommy kept talking about having problems with her nutrition... What she didn't say is that her appetite was waning and food wasn't tasting the same. They increased her diabetes meds but that messed with her tummy so she started avoiding certain foods. I did notice that she had less energy and seemed to get tired easily. But she was going to the dr and I entrusted them to figure out what was wrong... IF I have a regret, it is this...
Fast forward to Thanksgiving, when I realize I have a very thin mom who isn't eating much. I mean, I have made the trip to VA more times than I can count and each time, my mom has eaten before the trip, during the trip, when we got there and on the way back. Heck, when she was diagnosed with diabetes, it gave her an excuse to walk around with a snack bag LOL. My mom has always been a slender woman, she might have been plus sized in the 90s, but she just has always enjoyed eating. I say all that to say that my wake up call happened on that day. On the way down, mommy ate an apple... for Thanksgiving dinner she ate a cornish hen drumstick, a spoonful of greens, a spoonful of macncheese, and a half a slice of sweet potato pie =-O. I also noted how bony her arms and legs had become and driving back to Pittsburgh that night, the alarm bells clanged in my head. Mommy said that when she chewed food, she felt like she was 2. I didn't have a clue what that meant but I knew it was worth paying attention to.

So needless to say, things got dramatic after that. The very next am, mommy had severe chills but no fever. I get these sometimes and I think it has something to do with my digestion, and that was my theory for her, that she had developed IBS in the midst of these stomach issues so my game plan was to take her to the doc on Monday am... we never made it there. Saturday I get up with the mission on my mind - Operation Feed Mommy. I went to the store and got her anything and everything that was soft and/or easy to prepare. I come home and find that mommy looks dehydrated, is feverish, and is talking a little weird!
*pause* My college and grad school educated, former English teacher, published poet, exegesis-writing Mother is not talking 100% comprehensible. Maybe every 7th word was odd. THAT'S IT! WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL NOW! I'll never forget how she said "We are??"
And that was the last day Mommy was home.
now at this part we're just going to summarize...
ER, severe dehydration, blood cultures, septicemia (as much as I watch House, how did I not see that?!), bloody stools, ICU, tumor is bigger, the cure could kill her so let's do comfort care (hospice), IV antibiotics, IV fluids, major edema, "I came in here skinny and come out a fat woman", discharge to nursing home to finish meds, gather aging resources so she is not home by herself all the time, mommy starts PT and is moving with walker, vomiting of blood, return to hospital, bleeding ulcers, sister "surprise visit", attempt to cauterize ulcers abandoned bc an ulcer has perforated her duodenum, sister frantically calls me at work, ventilator, NG tube, charades with mommy lol, too sick to be transported to hospice, she has hours/days to live, rush niece and great niece here on bus, tubes removed so mommy can talk, mommy rebounds!, now she's too well for hospice!, house is too far away so we stay across the street at Family House, Christmas for great niece!,more bloody stools, ok hospice maybe, we do shifts so mommy is never alone, severe cough develops in ICU, condition H, med mixups, incompetent staff, patient relations, finally transport to Center for Compassionate Care, sigh of relief, finally COMFORT!, sister and I make pre arrangements just in case!, NYE at church then leave early to countdown with mommy, Mommy's "hey where the party at?" LOL, sister, niece and great niece go back to Virginia on New Years Day.
And that's about where we were when I started this danged post on Jan 7.

Its now Jan 24 and I finish this as we continue to prep for mommy's funeral. Mommy had some wonderful days at the CCC, but she was ready to get back to her life. She wanted to be able to start PT again so she could be catheter or bedpan free. She wanted to finish her paper that was due on Christian Education. She wanted to get back to church and life as she knew it.
But God said He wanted her home. On 1-16, the day before she was supposed to be discharged to a nursing home, she began to withdraw from the world.  By 1-17, she was not responsive at all. She was in a deep sleep. Called my sister and stayed by mommy's side. I grieved a lot then. Sis came in town on 1-18 and we grieved together. Decided to take a break and told mommy it was ok for her to go before I got back. I drove across town and had pie with my besties. Mommy did exactly as I wished and stopped breathing at 10:41 pm. Sister and I prayed together at her side and mommy smiled! It was truly well with her soul!

So grateful that despite all those horrible symptoms, she was symptom-free when God came calling her name. She was at peace and that peace washed over me.

Trying my hardest to hold on to that peace, but that's another post for another time!

My love to everyone who prayed for me in these last 9 weeks or so!

Peace,
Mommy's Girl

This particular phrase has been rolling around in my head for about 3 months now...

"If you cared, then you would care..."
I kept trying to blog about it, but it just didn't make sense. It was like a game of taboo or the Secret Word skit on SNL. This phrase would pop into my head every time I thought about some friends and how I felt that I was the one pulling all the "weight" in the friendship... Part of my ongoing struggle to relinquish people who don't want to be held on to... People who show me over and over again, by their actions or lack thereof, that they could care less about me and my feelings.
So it kept rolling around, 

"If you cared, then you would care..."
But tonight I FINALLY cracked the code! See caring by definition has two uses: to care (with the object) means "to feel concern about" while to care (without the object) means "to be concerned or solicitous; have thought or regard"  Caring is both a thinking and a doing word, a mental and a physical word. So if you care about me in general, care that I exist then that feeling would manifest as actions or words. I knew this principle applied to Love (ala Brownstone - If you love me, say it!) but I never thought about it in regards to Care... This phrase jumps in my head when I realize my expectations are too high in a friendship/relationship. I almost called two friends tonight to invite them out out and update them on everything, but then I remembered 

"If you cared, then you would care..."
If you were really my friend, you would know what's going on because we would have talked in the past 10 days. These days have given me a big reality check - reminded me that my parents are getting older and will inevitably need me more. Being the only child who is "present" on both sides, can be emotionally and physically draining. I need less weight in 2012, not more. I can't continue to carry these one-sided friendships. I can't love someone more than they love themselves. I need to pour my energy into people who are going to pour it back into me.

If they cared, then they would care... 
But they don't so I gotta move on.

"Girl, WHO?!" *hands on hips, neck rolling, in my auntie's voice* LOL

-BlueLady

I think I had my #CyberMond​ay last Wednesday :-o

So....


I've been a tad obsessed with duck boots. So obsessed that I bid on like 8 pairs on eBay! (I also bid on 4 pairs of rainboots, Whoopsies!)

Now normally when I crazybid like that, its on something like an iPod and I put a maximum bid of like $40 so I get severely outbid and win nothing. Well apparently the value of pre-owned duckboots is lower than i thought. Except for the 1st pair, my max bid was $20.... So not only did I win the first overpriced fur-lined duck boots (interestingly enough, they are green! #dontjudgeme), I've since won a pair of construction-esque duck boots with a higher ankle, a pair of neon green rainboots, and a lovely pair of black/white patterned rainboots...
My shoe heart is jumping for joy, but my wallet's virtual pillow is wet with tears.... Sigh!
 
Thank God I lost 3 auctions already and I've been outbid on 3 more auctions. There are still 2 more auctions out there, and it looks like I'm the only bidder for another construction-esque pair of duckboots. So those will probably be mine too :-/ I'm almost at my max for these very nice leopard-print cowboy-styled rainboots.... Its bad, but I just increased my bid on those, bc I really want them now LOL.
 
I'm going to go stand in the corner, but if you're interested, I've posted pics of my wins, losses, and pendings on my tumblr. Enjoy!
http://mformley1920.tumblr.com/
 
Happy Cyber Monday everybody!!
 
-BlueLady a/k/a "Pittsburgh's Imelda Marcos"

Flirting 101

I've always considered myself flirtatious... Not to a ridiculous extent but still I thought I was obvious...
Its come to my attention that apparently guys don't pick up on it. My girls will tease me, like wow you are flirting etc but then I'll find out that the guy was clueless
WTHeck?

So, about a month ago, I was encouraged to reveal my attraction to my long-time crush.... yeah it didn't go so well and i probably ruined our friendship... oh well, his loss! Thought I would have blogged about it by now but honestly it was the most awkward convo I have ever had and I guess I wasn't sure how to put my feelings into words... I mean, part of me was relieved to finally tell him. Then part of me was angry bc he didn't react the way I thought he would. The other part of me was just surprised. I mean, how in the world did he NOT know that I've been half in love with him for years??? So, then I started to question his words ala maybe he's just trying to save my feelings by pretending that he was shocked.... but then I had to remember all the mixed signals he's been giving. So finally, like 2 days ago, it finally hit me that regardless of how he feels now or how he felt then, it doesn't matter. If he wanted me now, then he would act accordingly. And he hasn't acted at all so it is what it is. So, on that note, I got what I wanted. CLARITY!

Enough of the past, let's get on to the present. I definitely had some recent interactions with a couple of men that I considered flirtatious. I feel like the moment i decide i'm interested in somebody, the flirting pheromones just start oozing out of my pores. Today, somebody gave me reason to think they're interested. I hadn't been thinking that way but my eyeballs did some assessing. And before I knew it, I went into flirt mode! But the question remains, can he even tell?

I need a class in this mess. Any schools offer Flirting 101 or Male Communication for Beginners? How about Advanced Mixed Signals?

LOL Until later,
BlueLady

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Trifling or Frugal....?

So if you read my previous post, you know that I had an amazing thrifting experience that turned into a nightmare. 6 pairs of shoes, 2 of which (so far) have turned out to be duds.

Shoes that were stripped to the gray meat and repainted to look amazing! The thriftstore says they're not at fault and I believe them (for now). So then that leaves me to ponder... Who did this?

What big-footed women would do something like this? Every 10-Club member knows that it is hard to find shoes in our size and when we find them, winner takes all.

So, one of two things:
1. My fellow 10-Club member was trying to sell these shoes so spruced them up so she could get a good price. Maybe the sales fell through so she donated them to the thrift store...
2. My fellow 10-Club member decided to spruce up her shoe collection for her own benefit. But here's the thing, this paint is falling apart within the first 30 minutes of wear. Was she painting her shoes all day? I doubt it! 

I'm the first to admit that I am hard on shoes. My driving foot consistenly has a dark spot on the side of the heel area due to the black floor rugs in my car. I try to monitor it, but after some days of wear and tear, I get those ugly marks. But after one 40 minute drive to work???? That's not wear and tear, that's a mess.

That being said, people, let's not do this to each other anymore okay? Keep your raggedy stuff to yourself. Don't try to buff and polish it on the outside when its jacked up underneath! (mmm, that sounds like a word! Should I ever be called upon to preach, trust that it will be chock full of shoe analogies! LOL)

What was I saying?
Oh yeah...

CUT IT OUT!