Faithfulness brings fruitfulness.

I haven't blogged in a while... It's been at least a year. I've been so busy with everything that I haven't taken the time to sit still to do it. 

That's not a good thing. 

See, my blogging time used to be dedicated meditation and scripture time. Where I would type out a verse or two then write a bit and then share a song. It was almost like devotions time at a Baptist church. 

I'm at an odd place in my life. A place that is betwixt and between. All that I've been through in my rearview mirror, God's plan in my GPS, and I'm just driving. In my symbolic car, I've noticed an issue with my vehicle. Many years ago, a mechanic found evidence that there were squirrels living in my car.  Every once in awhile I would think about them, but since they weren't causing any issues, we decided to let them be.  So now, with the new issue, I wondered if they may be the root cause...  I did what responsible automobile owners do and made an appointment at my garage for my yearly inspection. My vehicle passed the inspection (praise God!) but when I brought up the issue, the mechanics noticed a few things and sent my vehicle for further diagnostic testing. I got the diagnostic testing done the next day and the results have me blogging again...

So, by now, you've guessed that I'm not talking about my vehicle Cleopatra Jones but about my body and those squirrels are actually uterine fibroids. Thankfully, they're not painful but I think they may be pressing on my bladder which is the issue I noticed. No, I'm not incontinent (Praise ye the Lord!). I just noticed that like a pregnant woman, lately, I always have to pee. But instead of a baby, I have 3 fibroids in my uterus. 

As I experienced my very first ultrasound where I could see the screen, an incredible and odd sense of loss began to creep in. I'm 38 1/2 and instead of seeing a little baby on screen and their little features, I'm looking at my fibroids, in 3D no less. The tech is measuring them and my eyes start to tear up a little, not because of the medical concerns, God has it handled already, but because I felt robbed...

Not that I have this burning desire to conceive and bear a child, but it's part of the package that I've always wanted right?- a husband who seeks after God's own heart and loves me, our home that is large and filled with love and children (bio, step, foster, or adoptive), and enough finances to pay all the bills and have some fun. Seeing the sonogram of my womb  was an instant jolt to my reality because perhaps none of what I want will actually happen. Maybe there will never be a husband or children. Maybe I will always struggle financially and not make it to homeownership. 

(Author's note: I started formulating this post on Friday Oct 19 and have been adding pieces as I go... This next part is a direct correlation to the preached Word i heard on Sunday Oct 21.)

This past weekend was dubbed #supermimeweekend because I had to minister three times - once on Saturday for a women's day lunch, once for our regular worship service, and then at a nearby church for their pastor's anniversary. I had played the songs in my Possible Solos playlist and prayed about them and was able to prepare three mimes. Each song was already significant to me, but now that I'm looking back on them, I'm like wow. More on that later. 

Rev. Coleman was the guest preacher for the Sunday afternoon service and i didn't have to stay for it but since i had missed major parts of the other preached sermons that weekend, i knew I needed it. Rev. Coleman started off talking about the fig tree. You know, the one that looks like it's bearing fruit on the outside but upon closer inspection, it's barren (Matthew 21:18-22). Then she spoke about Ruth's faithfulness to Naomi (Ruth 1:16) which eventually became faithfulness to Boaz which turned into faithfulness in God's plan for her life and her lineage! Rev. Coleman's sermon title was "Faithfulness brings fruitfulness" and that message has stuck with me all week, and I think especially so, due to my series of past posts and playlists about #RuthinIt and seeing the fibroids. 

What does it mean to be faithful? 

During every sermon I hear, i do an internal survey to see where I fit in the subject. There's always something for me but it might not be the main subject.  So as Rev. Coleman started preaching about faithfulness, i didn't think that part was for me... 

You see, when i think about faithfulness, the first definition that comes to my mind is loyalty, steadfastness, dependability. And I believe that i qualify  as faithful in this way. In relationship (personal or organizational), I'm not a cheater, I am down for the cause, I can be counted on...

The next definition of faithfulness that comes to mind is being a person that has faith and I'm like oh yeah, i got this one. One of my most exercised gifts is my faith in the Lord. Even on down days, I trust and believe that everything is working together for my good.  And i have faith in my partners, my friends, and even humankind. I believe that they're naturally inclined to be good to me and good to others until there is evidence to the contrary. So I'm like, yeah I have faith! 

Oh but then my mind kept picturing the barren fig tree. Girl, you look like you got it together but upon closer inspection 👀👀 mmmph *insert ole motha lip twist & eye roll). So I immediately thought, Lord, I'm not fruitful, show me how to be faithful... 

While at Ntosake in Michigan this year, the women in my group were challenged to think about the demons in their life who have held them back from following through on God's plans and then we had to share them. A common theme among women is related to self image and self esteem. But as i sat and thought, i don't have those demons. But i do have some because I'm being held back. The demons i identified in my life are having a clean home and having a good handle on my finances. I should be able to host small meetings in my home without hours of cleaning beforehand. I should be able to offer to treat people to lunch without driving for Lyft that morning to make sure i have enough money. 

Faithfulness brings fruitfulness and while I'm on the fence about bearing children, I still want to be fruitful in ALL other aspects of my life! The fruit of my home and financial life is rotten to the core and I'm sick of it. Lord, show me how to be faithful. 

Yesterday, God showed me another definition of faithfulness and that is following through and keeping my promises! Even though i identified these demons a month ago and came up with an action plan to address them, I've made no progress and to be honest, both situations may have worsened. I make lists and plans and promises to myself about cleaning and making/spending/saving money. But then I procrastinate and change the plan up and the promises fall by the wayside. 

 How are you going to be faithful to your future husband and your children when you can't even be faithful to yourself?! This is the faithfulness you must learn and grow in to become fruitful! And then oh wow, if you've been unfaithful to yourself, how much more have you been unfaithful to God in this same way! Promising to spend time with Him and being "too busy" to follow through. Setting aside personal worship time every single day is not too much to ask for your Father and Your Friend! 

Ouch. 

So yeah, I'm hesitant to make promises to myself and to my readers about blogging daily or even weekly. But as I walk through this season of learning how to be faithful in my spiritual life, my home life, and my financial life, I will jot things down and share if I'm able. But really, I need to spend less time writing about what I did and plan to do to addresses these areas and more time actually doing it. 

So, i leave you for now with the titles/artists I mimed to this past weekend:

Carmen Calhoun - When God Says Move
J Moss - Beyond my Reach
Marvin Sapp - Close

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness toward me. Thank you Lord for showing me how I've been so unfaithful to myself but more importantly, to You. Help me take steps and not just take notes. Help me make progress and not just make lists. I know these are not insurmountable obstacles and that I can do all things through you. 

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. -- Philippians 4:8‭-‬9 NLT

Amen. 

Day 3 - Romans 4:16-17

Bible Lettering via Instagram

Click the link above to see my post with two pictures, typed both times!

Restoration - Bible Lettering Day 2

Matthew 5:4
"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted"

As I shared yesterday, one of my focuses is praying for restoration for me, my family and my close friends. This year, the past few years, this season has been rough and we lost loved ones, positions, relationships, our good health, and more. So I'm praying for restoration of health, restoration of joy, restoration of peace, restoration of stability, restoration of finances. God, we need emotional restoration, spiritual restoration, physical restoration, and mental restoration. We weren't ALWAYS here. It's time to return to who we were and I'm praying that God will help us get there. But... Until we get there, we have to be honest in our journeys. It's okay to mourn for where we are and what we've been through and to be transparent about that!

Bible Lettering - Day 1

Oh, and I'm trying the Bible lettering plan too bc why not? Today's scripture is --> Romans 5:3
"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance."

Daniel Fast 2017

This year, we are fasting for 21 Days (March 13 -April 2). This year our scriptural focus is Ephesians 1:3-12. This year, I am seeking restoration, peace, and stability for me and my family (including those who are like family to me). Thus restoration includes me getting back to reading my Bible and devotions daily and meeting my minimum steps. At the end of this fast, I want to be stronger in my prayer life and focused on God's will for my life. I also want and need to feel healthier. This post is brief, but I have to return to blogging and I have to write through it!

Making the most of it...

Time keeps on ticking...
And I have been making poor use of it. I'm weeks behind on my schoolwork, my house is a wreck, my job tasks keep piling up, and I have the nerve to have unwatched and unread tv, movies, and books. So where has all my time been going? And why can't I get anything done? And where is my motivation to do anything? There's no way I'm answering all of that here tonight, but suffice it to say that I'm making my way out of this time-funk I've been in.

I realize that I have allowed my desire for perfection to play right into my tendency to procrastinate, cycling from omg to oh-forget-it over and over again (yeah you know you like that alliteration). Anyways, while this has all been going on, I have started dating again (enhanced by Tinder) and perhaps in another cyclical method, as I've gotten to know one guy, I have been so unwilling to catch a hint of a feeling for said gentleman, that I keep swiping, to meet even more guys to not catch feelings for... To be honest, this whole spectacle of dating is a sham where most guys are pretending they're interested in me but the moment they find out that there's no sex in the champagne room, they disappear. And that's all really just a huge smokescreen hiding what I'm really concerned about... Smh... The continued feelings for the prototype (thanks Ya) and wondering if those feelings will ever be returned or am I wasting my time, God?  If it's not him, then is it somebody else? How much longer? Like, forreal though?

I'm getting sleepy now, after finally doing a little cleaning and blogging, after 1am, after having finished this week's homework (hootie hoo!). I'm going to do my best to fill tasks in where I have free time, like tonight. And also stop letting an ordinary sleep schedule define my ability to get things done.

Feeling a little accomplished,
BlueLady

When the song is everything you need to hear!

https://youtu.be/AzT6MQRi2Js

The expression of love...

Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.
1 John 4 NLT
http://bible.com/116/1jn.4.11-12.NLT

The afterward...

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.
1 Peter 5:10 NLT
http://bible.com/116/1pe.5.10.NLT

Thoughts while driving... Being intentional...

While driving this morning,  I began to think about yesterday's sermon and what God is calling us to and where Pastor is leading us.... that as we draw closer to God, we need to be able to pray in the right way, in a different way. It's time to confess and repent of those sins that we continually do . While thinking, I began to declare my intent to do things in a manner that is more pleasing to God.

I want to be intentional in My Worship. I want to be intentional in my ministries. I want to be intentional on my job and in my school work. I want to be intentional in making my house more of a home. I want to be intentional in my prayer life. I want to be intentional in reading and studying God's Word.

Reclaiming my voice

Today, during lunch, I reread every post of this blog. Something about it called to me so that’s what I did… What I found was an amazing journey of strength and weakness, prosperity and destitution, good times and not-so-good times. From my first post in 2009 to my most recent post in 2016, there were several themes that stood out: loneliness, poor financial stewardship, and prayer and praise through it all. I walked with my younger self through my life, times, and whines and it made me reflective on how far I’ve come and where I’m headed to next. A standout realization happened when I saw that I barely blogged during my last relationship… a post on the day Maya Angelou died and a post about respecting the procession of #BlackLivesMatter…

Here's to creating time and opportunities to blog... I'll do my best to maintain regularity!  

Ruthin' It

Ruth 2:12 May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.


Soooo, where do I begin? Forgive my rambling, but this is often how it starts…

First of all, I have not blogged in quite some time. Busy with work, school, life… unsettled but too busy to realize it. Then with the semester out of the way, I found my way back to enjoyment, extra time, guilt-free TV, and running! Still, it sits inside me.


A thought or an idea would come to my head, but then I would let it fly, because who had time to write. Writing is a sacrifice, not only of your time, but also of your thoughts and your attention and your emotions. Writing takes it all out of you. Nevertheless, I knew I needed to do it. See, I have always found a special connection to my emotions when I write. I always say that I do not express myself as well as I want to in the spoken word, but in the written (with time to think), I feel like I can write and move mountains. Regardless of that, though, I do not really think of myself as a writer or that I have a story to tell. Right now, I write just to tap into those emotions - the ones that are deep inside, the ones where my spirit lives and where the Holy Spirit communes with me.


Newsflash – I do not always do what I am supposed to do. Even less surprising newsflash, I rarely do what I am supposed to do. Not that I’m outright disobedient, most of the time – I’m just so caught up in my own agenda, that I don’t hear my Father’s voice.


This is what my holding pattern is all about… This is why I have felt like I am on the edge of a precipice, ready to fall or jump any moment… I needed to hear Him. I needed to come back home to Him. I needed to strive to be closer to Him. This time of waiting, of preparation, of uncertainty is not for naught, but for my own good. I have never, in all my life, felt so peaceful in my uncertainty. My housing is up in the air, and I am just like, well, God got me. I have put feelers out there, but I am noncommittal either way. I want my housing situation (staying in my current apartment, moving to a new apartment, or buying a house) to be in order, God’s divine order. And let us just put the other thing out there – this whatever this is is cray-ridiculi-bonkers. Yes, that crazy that I had to make up a hyphenated word to attempt to describe this state. It is like an 8^th grade crush, all grown up, on steroids with anointing oil. See what I am saying? Not a lick of sense in any of these words, but it perfectly describes it. And while I am on here bringing it to the forefront, so to speak, that is really all I am going to say about it. Just know that I am just a nutcase right now. And that as much as I want this situation to be resolved one way or the other, I want to be in God’s will so much more! I’ve tried it my way, over and over and over and over again and consistently end up somewhere else altogether. So, tonight, I boldly place both of these situations in God’s hands, in the name of Jesus. I am scared to relinquish them, but that is what faith is for. For too long, I have tried holding on to these situations, taking care of them, and nurturing them... No more! I can really do without the anticipation, the letdown, the buildup, the anxiety, the worry, the what ifs, the rushing, the planning. God, I want you to take control and have your way. Your will, not mine. And for me to be sitting still in your perfect peace, just waiting on my instructions!


To paraphrase Boaz, may the Lord God, in whom I place all my trust and in whom I find shelter, reward me fully for what I have done.


Reading, writing, watching, and praying – we’ll see if there are any more posts in down there. 


That is it for tonight,

Ruthin’ Rynnie

Respect the Procession!

This morning I woke up thinking about the movement. To be clear, I’m talking about the nonviolent protests that are going on around the world to protest the deaths and/or subsequent court activities in which we feel justice was not upheld. I started thinking about my friends, family, sorors/frat, and coworkers (of all races) who are not impacted by the movement and how I’m okay with that. If you don’t feel a personal connection to what is going on, that’s just the way it is. I started thinking about poor taste in jokes and respect and it occurred to me that this movement has a lot in common with a funeral procession.  

Have you ever been driving in one direction when a funeral procession is going the opposite way?

I usually do the same thing each time. It’s almost become a habit.  

• I usually get a little sad because I know what it’s like to lose someone
• I give a “moment of silence” and offer a quick prayer for the family – not really a full moment, but if I’m listening to loud music I usually lower the volume. If I’m talking on the phone, I end up going silent and losing track of what I was saying.
• I slow down because in my mind speeding in the opposite direction is disrespectful to the family. (I know this makes no sense and they aren’t paying attention but I just do it)
• I think about recent deaths I’m aware of (personal or media) and wonder if that is their procession, usually looking at the race of the people in the cars to try and figure it out.
• I subconsciously count the number of cars and wonder what that means about the deceased. Short processions I wonder if the person didn’t have a lot of family or friends or maybe folks didn’t feel like riding to the cemetery. Long processions make me think about loved that person must have been.
• I immediately go on with my trip because it doesn’t personally impact me

What do I do when I’m driving and the funeral procession impedes my commute in some way? I still usually do the same thing each time, but my emotions vary depending on where I’m trying to go and if I’m running late (lol)

• I usually get a little sad because I know what it’s like to lose someone
• I give a “moment of silence” and offer a quick prayer for the family
• I think about recent deaths I’m aware of and wonder if that is their procession
• I slow down or stop because I have no choice, the procession is impacting my travel in some way or another.
• I purposefully try to count the number of cars still coming because I want to know how long is this going to impede my travel plans. If there are still several cars still to come, I start plotting my escape. Do I have to turn left and cross the procession, maybe I can just go right? Maybe I can take a side street and avoid this entire thing?
• My annoyance and frustration mounts based on how much the procession delayed my travel and my ability to avoid the procession
• Then I feel guilty for thinking about myself when someone so beloved has died and all these people are trying to do is get to the cemetery
• I eventually go on with my trip because again, it doesn’t personally impact me.

If you don’t feel the need to join the movement or agree with it, I’m fine with that. But can you please have a little respect for those who feel some kind of way? If it helps you, just think about it like a funeral procession. It’s not a time for jokes or blatantly rude behavior.  Offer a quick prayer for those who are participating. Just respect the fact that we have lost a whole lot of someones and that we feel some kind of way about it. If this movement impedes you in any way, it is okay to feel frustrated. But remember, this doesn’t personally impact you, so you get to go on with your life…

#justice #accountability #BlackLivesMatter #AllLivesMatter

Remembrance of Maya Angelou - In The Spirit

I grew up pro-black, afro-conscious, proud of my heritage. It's just how I was raised. Any time I had to do a report, presentation, oration in middle and high school, I always chose something that was representative of my culture. I wrote about Queen Hatshepsut in World History class. I read Roots in 7th grade. One year, I recited Sojourner Truth's "And Ain't I a Woman?" speech. So, when our English teacher (I think it was Voet) had us do presentations on a literary work or maybe it was just poetry. I decided to present a work of Maya Angelou's "In The Spirit", a chapter from her book Wouldn't Take Nothing For My Journey Now (1993). When I heard of her passing, I immediately began to wonder if she had gone on to join heaven's party with my Mommy and so many others. Then I recalled this passage, and had to wait to get home to find it and read it. Here it is, manually typed in entirety. It's the least I could do to honor a legacy so great...

"In The Spirit"

Spirit is an invisible force made visible in all life. In many African religions there is the belief that all things are inhabited by spirits which must be appeased and to which one can appeal. So, for example, when a master drummer prepares to carve a new drum, he approaches the selected tree and speaks to the spirit residing there. In his prayer he describe himself, his experience, and his expertise; then he explains his intent. He assures the spirit that he will remain grateful for the gift of the tree and that he will use the drum only for honorable purposes.

I believe that Spirit is one and is everywhere present. That it never leaves me. That in my ignorance I may withdraw from it, but I can realize its presence the instant I return to my senses. 

It is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable. I cannot separate what I conceive as Spirit from my concept of God. Thus, I believe that God is Spirit. 

While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation. This is particularly difficult for me when my mind falls upon the cruel person, the batterer, and the bigot. I would like to think that the mean-spirited were created by another force and under the aegis and direction of something other than my God. But since I believe that God created all things, I am not only constrained to know that the oppressor is a child of God, but also obliged to try to treat him or her as a child of God. 

My faith is tested many times every day, and more times than I'd like to confess, I'm unable to keep the banner of faith aloft. If a promise is not kept, or if a secret is betrayed, or if I experience long-lasting pain, I begin to doubt God and God's love. I fall so miserably into the chasm of disbelief that I cry out in despair. Then the Spirit lifts me up again, and once more I am secured in faith. I don't know how that happens, save when I cry out earnestly I am answered immediately and am returned to faithfulness. I am once again filled with Spirit and firmly planted on solid ground. 

I remember wondering back then if Maya Angelou was a Christian and being unsure. Today, I read that she was, but hated to be tied down to denomination so held membership in a Baptist church and a Methodist church. I'd like to believe that she was, but regardless of all that, I think her words are easily applicable to life as a Christian. I love how she reminds herself that everyone is a child of God, no matter who they are. I also love how she so eloquently describes the Christian journey - from faith to doubt to despair back to faith all over again. 

Oh Maya, I've read and even recited so many of your works over the years. Your words, your legacy, your life meant so much to so many people. 

Rest in Peace and Praise, 

BlueLady

How Do You Tell Social Media You're In a Relationship (a/k/a Oh Taste And See)

So I've been trying to figure out how to tell the world that I'm in a new relationship. Totally overthought and analyzed it from every angle, finally decided to just blog about it. But um, who has time to do that??? In talking with him (Let's call him BP) about it, he could care less. It's enough to just be in the relationship. He's also much more private online than I am. So I'll be respecting his desire for privacy, while fulfilling my need to tell the world (LOL).

Psalms 34:8 NKJV
Oh, taste and see that the Lord  is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

I have been so busy and have not had the spare time to blog,, but I wanted to jump on real quick to post this and to just talk about how good God is! This morning, I'm listening to one of Daddy's random jazz CDs he left in my car, marinating on God's goodness. When I look at all of the current and new blessings in my life - acceptance into grad school, my winning results in the weight loss challenge, a new relationship with an old friend, peace, love, and souuuuuuulll (i.e. happiness), I'm just so thankful and grateful for how God moved.

I don't know if there's anything else that needs said. Hopefully, in the future, I'll find some time to sit and do a real post...

Until then,
BlueLady :-D

P.S. For those of you who wondered, I did not get the job I applied for, but I get along well with the one who did :-) God knows what He's doing!

 

Forgot to add a video - Taste and See by Israel Houghton

Blogging Sporadically Through March a/k/a I Like Me! - 3/28/14

To start off, I have been a bad blogger. I was doing so good with the daily posting, but these past couple of weeks have just been crazy busy and I gave up :-/ Oh well, perhaps I’ll try again in April. Today, I just had to blog. I needed to get back in my Word, but I also wanted to verbally express my birthday joy. I also needed to vent a little bit. So, here it goes:

 Yesterday was just chock full of awesome! Celebrating the day of my birth throughout the course of my regular day totally worked for me. While I kinda wanted to go do something fun, I was just as happy to head home at 9pm. If I counted up the birthday love via call, text, email, Instagram, and Facebook, and in person, I would say about 200 people wished me some form of happy birthday and that made me really happy. A lot of people also noticed my cute outfit and curves yesterday and gave me compliments on my appearance and/or my recent weight loss…. Like most folks, I love compliments and it was nice to get them from so many people.

BUT….

Some of those compliments were not so complimentary. Some of those compliments had hidden daggers inside them and they stung a little bit. One dagger is “keep up the good work”… “Keep up the good work” is a cliché generally used as a word of encouragement. How is that a dagger? Because a word of encouragement implies that I need encouraging. If I was on social media asking others for prayer or talking about how hard this journey has been, I could see the need for it. But the only things I have posted about have been reaching 10lb goals and comparison pictures. See, I’m in a weight loss challenge for my sorority and I think winning the prize money would be awesome, but that’s not what my journey is about. I changed my diet for 1 week of the challenge and quickly realized how much better my digestion became. If you know me, you know that I have acid reflux and IBS, and that I have a naturopathic doctor who I see for that. All these years he’s been recommending these food changes, but I never did it. Now that I have, I feel so much better. I have the challenge to thank for that! And while I spent the month of December and January walking from bus to bus, I’ve only worked out 3-4 times since I got my car. So, this 25+ lbs that I’ve lost is really more of my body’s response to the changes in my diet, not from some great effort to lose weight. My gut is not bloated with undigested crap, so my waistline is shrinking. I’ve started taking more selfies lately, because I can feel the difference, but I wanted to see the difference. I’m also ecstatic that I’m fitting pants I haven’t fit in 4 years. Who wants to buy more clothes when you can fit the ones you already have?!

I think a lot of people assume that being overweight is a sign of poor self-esteem. They just assume that because you’re big, you don’t care about yourself. In my case, that’s far from the truth. I think I’m amazing all the time. Perhaps I’m deluded, but I think I’m beautiful 24-7, 365. Whether I weigh 260 lbs or 180; Whether my clothes are wrinkled or pressed; Whether my hair was straight, nappy, or somewhere in between. Overall, I think I’m amazing and people who really know me have gotten used to that (LOL).

Complimenting someone about their weight loss can be tricky. Because so many people struggle with their weight (and their perceptions of their own body image), I think it’s very easy for them to get caught up in their own stuff when paying a compliment. I also think you have to be careful because you don’t know why someone has lost the weight. Someone could be fighting a disease or going through something stressful. When I lost 60 lbs in 2006, I enjoyed being smaller, but I was so sick. I lost that weight because I couldn’t eat. I used to get upset when people would compliment me on my weight loss because I just wanted to be able to eat food again. When my doctor helped my body to get back on track and helped the issues to heal, I was actually okay with putting the weight back on because I was happy to be able to eat without feeling sick.

In my opinion, if you can see a person losing weight and feeling good (which my selfie-thon is surely proof of), perhaps just compliment their appearance and keep it moving. “Girl, you look amazing!” is always safe. Regardless of how or why they have lost weight, you are acknowledging that you can see it and confirming what they already know. I actually had someone tell me yesterday that I look good now, but just wait until I lose even more weight…. I was a good girl because it was a national holiday (i.e. my birthday) so I just said thank you. But I really wanted to go in! First of all, I looked just as good in January as I do now. Second of all, who says I want to lose more weight? Are you saying that I need to? Are you saying that I’m not good enough yet? Chile… mmmph. Some people... Woooo-sah! I had to quickly put myself back in check! I had to remember that some people tend to project their own issues with weight onto others. Smh, I’m just thankful to God for holding my tongue. And while I’m fussing about it now, the purpose of this post is really to just enlighten some folks, but also to help some others. I think about the people who really do struggle with their weight and all that comes along with it, the shame and the depression that some people deal with. I’m praying that they come to recognize their worth and beauty too. Regardless of what we look like and how much we individually weigh, our confidence should really come from knowing who we are and whom we belong to.

The Word:   

Jeremiah 1:4-5a

“ The word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;’…”

Psalm 139:1-6;13-16; 23-24

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secrete place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be… Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Proverbs 31:30

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty if fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

The Video:

I Like Me (Kirk Franklin)  

 

Have a blessed day everyone!!

Food for thought....

Hmmm.

Blogging My Way Through March - Day 19

This morning, in spite of my tiredness and my biology trying to come for me,  I woke up with a praise song in my heart! It's a song we sing in the choir...

"I will praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord. For He alone is worthy of all my praise. I will praise the Lord. I will praise the Lord. For He alone is worthy. For He alone is worthy. For He alone is worthy. Worthy of all praise!"

As I began to contemplate that age old battle, should I hit snooze or end on my alarm, I realized that I was sleepy, my brain is awake. So, I am laying in my bed this a.m. as I blog...

This morning, I opened my Bible and re-read that verse that's been carrying me through this recent trial. I started thinking about my most recent conversation with my pastor. We were talking about my dilemma in wanting to go to grad school, but not being sure where I was supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do.  she was curious why seminary was on the list of possibilities for me and I told her I honestly didn't know, part of me just felt like I was supposed to and the more we talked about it, the less I could identify what made me request info from them. Pondering that conversation this morning, I think I've arrived at the why of it all...

I've blogged previously about how God has always had to have a hard hand with me because I always want to choose my path, then ask the Lord to bless it after I've already chosen it. There are so many instances in my life where God has had to literally step in and intervene, if only to steer me in the direction that I was supposed to go. There are 3 major incidents in my life that come to mind immediately. 1.) the lime vodka incident of 1996 - which traumatized me for years by proxy, but lead me to stop playing around with alcohol and wait until I was old enough to legally drink it. 2.) The time I got an F in Cross-Cultural Psychology. I never turned in the take-home final, bc I had made the ridiculous decision to sell my books back before the semester was over. Being prideful, I didn't want to admit what I had done to my professor and Failure to participate in the final is an automatic F. 3.) The time that God clearly wanted me to work at CYF, but I didn't want to, so I chose to work in behavioral health until I got fired for being honest and ended up at CYF anyway...

My hardheadedness is epic, but look what God has done in my life, despite my failings?? I have grown and flourished in so many ways because has God has kept me on HIS path.

So, I've finally come to trust God, even when I don't necessarily hear what He's saying. When the word Seminary was uttered as a possible possibility for me, some years ago, I immediately began to backpedal. Noooooooo! So this year, when the word returned, I actually started to consider it because I was so adamant against it. Does that make sense? Because of my past experiences, I started to think that maybe my loud and fervent NOs were just the precursor to God getting what He wants anyway, so I might as well  just start giving in now. Meanwhile, I hadn't received God's call, I just assumed that's what was going on. I asked God to tell me which school to pick and didn't hear anything. A friend suggested that I stop trying to limit God and just ask Him to direct my path. Here, in this season of Lenten preparation, that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm praying for clear direction on Easter Sunday.

Today, I read the book of Jonah and chuckled to myself. He is so me! God tells him what to do and he runs away from it. God intervenes in the awol directly and Jonah ends up exactly the place he didn't want to be. Jonah gives in and begins to prophesy that Ninevah is going to be destroyed by God. The city and its ruler begin to repent to God and they are not destroyed. Good ending right? Sure, but not in Jonah's eyes. Instead of being happy that the people changed their ways and have been saved from God's wrath, Jonah gets an attitude. And I bet it had less to do with Nineveh deserving the punishment and more to do with Jonah's pride. He has gone around the city for 3 days straight, warning them of God's wrath, only for it not to happen. I can only imagine that he felt stupid and like everyone else agreed! Then he got angry. How dare God make him look stupid?  Forget that grace and mercy that saved him from drowning in the ocean three days ago, Jonah doesn't think that grace and mercy should apply to Nineveh. So Jonah is mad and has the audacity to tell God he has the right to be mad. God shows him continuing grace and mercy and doesn't smite him on the spot. Instead, he gently reminds him of who He is as God the creator, God our Father and its awesome. God the Father puts up with sulky "teenage" Me all the time and I wonder why lol.  Then the book of Jonah abruptly comes to an end... I wonder what happened next in Jonah's life?

Time to get ready for work.
Have a lovely day!

-Maryn

Blogging My Way Through March - Day 18 - Emboldened by Biology

Do you know in real life? If you do, you probably know me as someone who is always talking and usually joking. You may know me as someone who is friends with everyone.  You may even know me as someone who speaks up on things that matter and continues to push them until I get my way.

But I didn’t start out that way…

I was not always so talkative. Growing up, I actually wavered somewhere between shy and quiet. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true! While my family and close friends knew me to be the motormouth I really am, I did not really let that show in public. I did not cut jokes.  I did not speak my mind. I did not raise my voice. In middle school, I started to come out of my shell, though. The point I remember best happened in 7^th grade. I had come down with strep throat during the Blizzard of ’93. I distinctly remember coming back to school and being a little wild and crazy. I blamed it on the antibiotics (and the Tylenol with codeine), but that was when I started to become me.

I was never really a fighter, and to be honest, I’m still not. But, when I was younger, I avoided confrontation like the plague. I would much rather have a friend than an enemy any day, but there were definitely people who I did not get along with. They were people from my school, from church, from my neighborhood…  Most of the time, if I had problems with someone, I just vented about it later. (This is probably why I have only been in 4 physical altercations over the course of my life.) In college, I learned how to deal with conflict head-on. No, I did not become a fighter, but I became a person who was able to deal with confrontation. I learned to be truthful about the negative feelings I was experiencing, even if revealing that information was upsetting.

Now that I’m an adult (and getting older by the minute!), it has become very important to me that my voice and my opinion are heard. When my voice is squelched, when I feel powerless in a situation, I will become confrontational. This is on a regular basis. In a time of turmoil and/or stress and anytime my biology becomes me, there’s a metamorphosis that occurs and mild-mannered, easy-going Me turns into a super hero (or maybe even a villain). Able to be set off with one lonely text message, flying into storms of rage against the machine,  leaping into personal conflicts left and right… All of a sudden, I’m wrapped up in conflict left and right and I wonder how what I said and did led to that point.

My biology emboldens me, but it’s only temporary. There is a lasting boldness, an assuredness that doesn’t go away. This holy confidence comes from God. I want to be bold for the Lord, using my spiritual gifts as He sees fit. I want to be able to speak up anytime it’s important, not just when I get riled up and agitated.

The Word

1 Corinthians 16:13

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.”

The Prayer:

Dear Lord,

Help me through these trying times. Help me to stand for what is right, even if I’m the only one who seems to be standing. God help me to persevere; embolden my tongue, but only to say what you want me to say. Shut my mouth if I’m speaking out of my own selfish desires and wants. I’m your servant, Lord. Lead me, direct me, guide my feet. Thank you Lord for always listening to my prayers. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.  

The Video:

Richard Smallwood (He Won't Leave You)

I woke up this morning with this song on my heart. Thank you Lord!

Blogging My Way Through March - Day 17

Blogging did not happen today.... :-( but sometimes you just have to push through and trust that God has got it. So allow me to praise Him for what He's already done and in advance for what He's about to do! Walter Hawkins - Thank You Lord (for all you've d…: http://youtu.be/4FXq1Eff4M4