Thoughts while driving... Being intentional...

While driving this morning,  I began to think about yesterday's sermon and what God is calling us to and where Pastor is leading us.... that as we draw closer to God, we need to be able to pray in the right way, in a different way. It's time to confess and repent of those sins that we continually do . While thinking, I began to declare my intent to do things in a manner that is more pleasing to God.

I want to be intentional in My Worship. I want to be intentional in my ministries. I want to be intentional on my job and in my school work. I want to be intentional in making my house more of a home. I want to be intentional in my prayer life. I want to be intentional in reading and studying God's Word.

Reclaiming my voice

Today, during lunch, I reread every post of this blog. Something about it called to me so that’s what I did… What I found was an amazing journey of strength and weakness, prosperity and destitution, good times and not-so-good times. From my first post in 2009 to my most recent post in 2016, there were several themes that stood out: loneliness, poor financial stewardship, and prayer and praise through it all. I walked with my younger self through my life, times, and whines and it made me reflective on how far I’ve come and where I’m headed to next. A standout realization happened when I saw that I barely blogged during my last relationship… a post on the day Maya Angelou died and a post about respecting the procession of #BlackLivesMatter…

Here's to creating time and opportunities to blog... I'll do my best to maintain regularity!  

Ruthin' It

Ruth 2:12 May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.


Soooo, where do I begin? Forgive my rambling, but this is often how it starts…

First of all, I have not blogged in quite some time. Busy with work, school, life… unsettled but too busy to realize it. Then with the semester out of the way, I found my way back to enjoyment, extra time, guilt-free TV, and running! Still, it sits inside me.


A thought or an idea would come to my head, but then I would let it fly, because who had time to write. Writing is a sacrifice, not only of your time, but also of your thoughts and your attention and your emotions. Writing takes it all out of you. Nevertheless, I knew I needed to do it. See, I have always found a special connection to my emotions when I write. I always say that I do not express myself as well as I want to in the spoken word, but in the written (with time to think), I feel like I can write and move mountains. Regardless of that, though, I do not really think of myself as a writer or that I have a story to tell. Right now, I write just to tap into those emotions - the ones that are deep inside, the ones where my spirit lives and where the Holy Spirit communes with me.


Newsflash – I do not always do what I am supposed to do. Even less surprising newsflash, I rarely do what I am supposed to do. Not that I’m outright disobedient, most of the time – I’m just so caught up in my own agenda, that I don’t hear my Father’s voice.


This is what my holding pattern is all about… This is why I have felt like I am on the edge of a precipice, ready to fall or jump any moment… I needed to hear Him. I needed to come back home to Him. I needed to strive to be closer to Him. This time of waiting, of preparation, of uncertainty is not for naught, but for my own good. I have never, in all my life, felt so peaceful in my uncertainty. My housing is up in the air, and I am just like, well, God got me. I have put feelers out there, but I am noncommittal either way. I want my housing situation (staying in my current apartment, moving to a new apartment, or buying a house) to be in order, God’s divine order. And let us just put the other thing out there – this whatever this is is cray-ridiculi-bonkers. Yes, that crazy that I had to make up a hyphenated word to attempt to describe this state. It is like an 8^th grade crush, all grown up, on steroids with anointing oil. See what I am saying? Not a lick of sense in any of these words, but it perfectly describes it. And while I am on here bringing it to the forefront, so to speak, that is really all I am going to say about it. Just know that I am just a nutcase right now. And that as much as I want this situation to be resolved one way or the other, I want to be in God’s will so much more! I’ve tried it my way, over and over and over and over again and consistently end up somewhere else altogether. So, tonight, I boldly place both of these situations in God’s hands, in the name of Jesus. I am scared to relinquish them, but that is what faith is for. For too long, I have tried holding on to these situations, taking care of them, and nurturing them... No more! I can really do without the anticipation, the letdown, the buildup, the anxiety, the worry, the what ifs, the rushing, the planning. God, I want you to take control and have your way. Your will, not mine. And for me to be sitting still in your perfect peace, just waiting on my instructions!


To paraphrase Boaz, may the Lord God, in whom I place all my trust and in whom I find shelter, reward me fully for what I have done.


Reading, writing, watching, and praying – we’ll see if there are any more posts in down there. 


That is it for tonight,

Ruthin’ Rynnie

Respect the Procession!

This morning I woke up thinking about the movement. To be clear, I’m talking about the nonviolent protests that are going on around the world to protest the deaths and/or subsequent court activities in which we feel justice was not upheld. I started thinking about my friends, family, sorors/frat, and coworkers (of all races) who are not impacted by the movement and how I’m okay with that. If you don’t feel a personal connection to what is going on, that’s just the way it is. I started thinking about poor taste in jokes and respect and it occurred to me that this movement has a lot in common with a funeral procession.  

Have you ever been driving in one direction when a funeral procession is going the opposite way?

I usually do the same thing each time. It’s almost become a habit.  

• I usually get a little sad because I know what it’s like to lose someone
• I give a “moment of silence” and offer a quick prayer for the family – not really a full moment, but if I’m listening to loud music I usually lower the volume. If I’m talking on the phone, I end up going silent and losing track of what I was saying.
• I slow down because in my mind speeding in the opposite direction is disrespectful to the family. (I know this makes no sense and they aren’t paying attention but I just do it)
• I think about recent deaths I’m aware of (personal or media) and wonder if that is their procession, usually looking at the race of the people in the cars to try and figure it out.
• I subconsciously count the number of cars and wonder what that means about the deceased. Short processions I wonder if the person didn’t have a lot of family or friends or maybe folks didn’t feel like riding to the cemetery. Long processions make me think about loved that person must have been.
• I immediately go on with my trip because it doesn’t personally impact me

What do I do when I’m driving and the funeral procession impedes my commute in some way? I still usually do the same thing each time, but my emotions vary depending on where I’m trying to go and if I’m running late (lol)

• I usually get a little sad because I know what it’s like to lose someone
• I give a “moment of silence” and offer a quick prayer for the family
• I think about recent deaths I’m aware of and wonder if that is their procession
• I slow down or stop because I have no choice, the procession is impacting my travel in some way or another.
• I purposefully try to count the number of cars still coming because I want to know how long is this going to impede my travel plans. If there are still several cars still to come, I start plotting my escape. Do I have to turn left and cross the procession, maybe I can just go right? Maybe I can take a side street and avoid this entire thing?
• My annoyance and frustration mounts based on how much the procession delayed my travel and my ability to avoid the procession
• Then I feel guilty for thinking about myself when someone so beloved has died and all these people are trying to do is get to the cemetery
• I eventually go on with my trip because again, it doesn’t personally impact me.

If you don’t feel the need to join the movement or agree with it, I’m fine with that. But can you please have a little respect for those who feel some kind of way? If it helps you, just think about it like a funeral procession. It’s not a time for jokes or blatantly rude behavior.  Offer a quick prayer for those who are participating. Just respect the fact that we have lost a whole lot of someones and that we feel some kind of way about it. If this movement impedes you in any way, it is okay to feel frustrated. But remember, this doesn’t personally impact you, so you get to go on with your life…

#justice #accountability #BlackLivesMatter #AllLivesMatter

Remembrance of Maya Angelou - In The Spirit

I grew up pro-black, afro-conscious, proud of my heritage. It's just how I was raised. Any time I had to do a report, presentation, oration in middle and high school, I always chose something that was representative of my culture. I wrote about Queen Hatshepsut in World History class. I read Roots in 7th grade. One year, I recited Sojourner Truth's "And Ain't I a Woman?" speech. So, when our English teacher (I think it was Voet) had us do presentations on a literary work or maybe it was just poetry. I decided to present a work of Maya Angelou's "In The Spirit", a chapter from her book Wouldn't Take Nothing For My Journey Now (1993). When I heard of her passing, I immediately began to wonder if she had gone on to join heaven's party with my Mommy and so many others. Then I recalled this passage, and had to wait to get home to find it and read it. Here it is, manually typed in entirety. It's the least I could do to honor a legacy so great...

"In The Spirit"

Spirit is an invisible force made visible in all life. In many African religions there is the belief that all things are inhabited by spirits which must be appeased and to which one can appeal. So, for example, when a master drummer prepares to carve a new drum, he approaches the selected tree and speaks to the spirit residing there. In his prayer he describe himself, his experience, and his expertise; then he explains his intent. He assures the spirit that he will remain grateful for the gift of the tree and that he will use the drum only for honorable purposes.

I believe that Spirit is one and is everywhere present. That it never leaves me. That in my ignorance I may withdraw from it, but I can realize its presence the instant I return to my senses. 

It is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable. I cannot separate what I conceive as Spirit from my concept of God. Thus, I believe that God is Spirit. 

While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation. This is particularly difficult for me when my mind falls upon the cruel person, the batterer, and the bigot. I would like to think that the mean-spirited were created by another force and under the aegis and direction of something other than my God. But since I believe that God created all things, I am not only constrained to know that the oppressor is a child of God, but also obliged to try to treat him or her as a child of God. 

My faith is tested many times every day, and more times than I'd like to confess, I'm unable to keep the banner of faith aloft. If a promise is not kept, or if a secret is betrayed, or if I experience long-lasting pain, I begin to doubt God and God's love. I fall so miserably into the chasm of disbelief that I cry out in despair. Then the Spirit lifts me up again, and once more I am secured in faith. I don't know how that happens, save when I cry out earnestly I am answered immediately and am returned to faithfulness. I am once again filled with Spirit and firmly planted on solid ground. 

I remember wondering back then if Maya Angelou was a Christian and being unsure. Today, I read that she was, but hated to be tied down to denomination so held membership in a Baptist church and a Methodist church. I'd like to believe that she was, but regardless of all that, I think her words are easily applicable to life as a Christian. I love how she reminds herself that everyone is a child of God, no matter who they are. I also love how she so eloquently describes the Christian journey - from faith to doubt to despair back to faith all over again. 

Oh Maya, I've read and even recited so many of your works over the years. Your words, your legacy, your life meant so much to so many people. 

Rest in Peace and Praise, 

BlueLady

How Do You Tell Social Media You're In a Relationship (a/k/a Oh Taste And See)

So I've been trying to figure out how to tell the world that I'm in a new relationship. Totally overthought and analyzed it from every angle, finally decided to just blog about it. But um, who has time to do that??? In talking with him (Let's call him BP) about it, he could care less. It's enough to just be in the relationship. He's also much more private online than I am. So I'll be respecting his desire for privacy, while fulfilling my need to tell the world (LOL).

Psalms 34:8 NKJV
Oh, taste and see that the Lord  is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!

I have been so busy and have not had the spare time to blog,, but I wanted to jump on real quick to post this and to just talk about how good God is! This morning, I'm listening to one of Daddy's random jazz CDs he left in my car, marinating on God's goodness. When I look at all of the current and new blessings in my life - acceptance into grad school, my winning results in the weight loss challenge, a new relationship with an old friend, peace, love, and souuuuuuulll (i.e. happiness), I'm just so thankful and grateful for how God moved.

I don't know if there's anything else that needs said. Hopefully, in the future, I'll find some time to sit and do a real post...

Until then,
BlueLady :-D

P.S. For those of you who wondered, I did not get the job I applied for, but I get along well with the one who did :-) God knows what He's doing!

 

Forgot to add a video - Taste and See by Israel Houghton

Blogging Sporadically Through March a/k/a I Like Me! - 3/28/14

To start off, I have been a bad blogger. I was doing so good with the daily posting, but these past couple of weeks have just been crazy busy and I gave up :-/ Oh well, perhaps I’ll try again in April. Today, I just had to blog. I needed to get back in my Word, but I also wanted to verbally express my birthday joy. I also needed to vent a little bit. So, here it goes:

 Yesterday was just chock full of awesome! Celebrating the day of my birth throughout the course of my regular day totally worked for me. While I kinda wanted to go do something fun, I was just as happy to head home at 9pm. If I counted up the birthday love via call, text, email, Instagram, and Facebook, and in person, I would say about 200 people wished me some form of happy birthday and that made me really happy. A lot of people also noticed my cute outfit and curves yesterday and gave me compliments on my appearance and/or my recent weight loss…. Like most folks, I love compliments and it was nice to get them from so many people.

BUT….

Some of those compliments were not so complimentary. Some of those compliments had hidden daggers inside them and they stung a little bit. One dagger is “keep up the good work”… “Keep up the good work” is a cliché generally used as a word of encouragement. How is that a dagger? Because a word of encouragement implies that I need encouraging. If I was on social media asking others for prayer or talking about how hard this journey has been, I could see the need for it. But the only things I have posted about have been reaching 10lb goals and comparison pictures. See, I’m in a weight loss challenge for my sorority and I think winning the prize money would be awesome, but that’s not what my journey is about. I changed my diet for 1 week of the challenge and quickly realized how much better my digestion became. If you know me, you know that I have acid reflux and IBS, and that I have a naturopathic doctor who I see for that. All these years he’s been recommending these food changes, but I never did it. Now that I have, I feel so much better. I have the challenge to thank for that! And while I spent the month of December and January walking from bus to bus, I’ve only worked out 3-4 times since I got my car. So, this 25+ lbs that I’ve lost is really more of my body’s response to the changes in my diet, not from some great effort to lose weight. My gut is not bloated with undigested crap, so my waistline is shrinking. I’ve started taking more selfies lately, because I can feel the difference, but I wanted to see the difference. I’m also ecstatic that I’m fitting pants I haven’t fit in 4 years. Who wants to buy more clothes when you can fit the ones you already have?!

I think a lot of people assume that being overweight is a sign of poor self-esteem. They just assume that because you’re big, you don’t care about yourself. In my case, that’s far from the truth. I think I’m amazing all the time. Perhaps I’m deluded, but I think I’m beautiful 24-7, 365. Whether I weigh 260 lbs or 180; Whether my clothes are wrinkled or pressed; Whether my hair was straight, nappy, or somewhere in between. Overall, I think I’m amazing and people who really know me have gotten used to that (LOL).

Complimenting someone about their weight loss can be tricky. Because so many people struggle with their weight (and their perceptions of their own body image), I think it’s very easy for them to get caught up in their own stuff when paying a compliment. I also think you have to be careful because you don’t know why someone has lost the weight. Someone could be fighting a disease or going through something stressful. When I lost 60 lbs in 2006, I enjoyed being smaller, but I was so sick. I lost that weight because I couldn’t eat. I used to get upset when people would compliment me on my weight loss because I just wanted to be able to eat food again. When my doctor helped my body to get back on track and helped the issues to heal, I was actually okay with putting the weight back on because I was happy to be able to eat without feeling sick.

In my opinion, if you can see a person losing weight and feeling good (which my selfie-thon is surely proof of), perhaps just compliment their appearance and keep it moving. “Girl, you look amazing!” is always safe. Regardless of how or why they have lost weight, you are acknowledging that you can see it and confirming what they already know. I actually had someone tell me yesterday that I look good now, but just wait until I lose even more weight…. I was a good girl because it was a national holiday (i.e. my birthday) so I just said thank you. But I really wanted to go in! First of all, I looked just as good in January as I do now. Second of all, who says I want to lose more weight? Are you saying that I need to? Are you saying that I’m not good enough yet? Chile… mmmph. Some people... Woooo-sah! I had to quickly put myself back in check! I had to remember that some people tend to project their own issues with weight onto others. Smh, I’m just thankful to God for holding my tongue. And while I’m fussing about it now, the purpose of this post is really to just enlighten some folks, but also to help some others. I think about the people who really do struggle with their weight and all that comes along with it, the shame and the depression that some people deal with. I’m praying that they come to recognize their worth and beauty too. Regardless of what we look like and how much we individually weigh, our confidence should really come from knowing who we are and whom we belong to.

The Word:   

Jeremiah 1:4-5a

“ The word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;’…”

Psalm 139:1-6;13-16; 23-24

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain… For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secrete place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be… Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Proverbs 31:30

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty if fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

The Video:

I Like Me (Kirk Franklin)  

 

Have a blessed day everyone!!