Feeling and Filling the Void...

I haven't blogged in forever, but tonight I just have to. I was asleep but woke up with disconsolate feelings. Misery at 2am sucks!

Whenever I get through a crisis, I want to just put it behind me and move on, but it strikes me that someone may benefit from my experience. Maybe hearing my thoughts will save them some anguish.

I've been feeling kinda low lately. Most of the time, it's easy to bounce back but biology has me bound up...
I'm forced to deal with me and call these feelings out for what they are!

I'm missing something, actually it's probably several things...

I miss my mom. I miss living in the house with someone. I miss living in a house period. I miss having someone to share the bills with. I miss my bunny.  I miss my Nissan altima. I miss last winter's black boots.

I miss him. I miss return calls and "pub therapy". I miss the farcity of our "friendship". I miss watching the local news and the Today Show. I miss Wendy's breakfast menu. I miss the days of eating what I wanted without consequences.

I miss high school days and my high school faith. I miss college years and the trials I made it through. I miss that summer when we discovered bike night...

I'm sure there's more but Yikes, that's enough stuff. A crater of wants and needs that is empty. It's my void.

So, as I started praying for God to fill my void, I started thinking about everyone with voids so now I'm going to pray for us all.

Almighty God, there is none like You. How dare we forget how far You've brought us? We have taken our focus from You and placed it on ourselves,  and found ourselves severely lacking. Forgive us for our self-centeredness. We perceive that we are missing so much, but all we really need is more of You...
For every person we are missing and interaction we crave, Lord, please fill the void.
For every resource we need and material thing we desire, Lord, please fill the void.
God, help us to stop feeling our voids then filling them with people, places, and things that can't possibly do the job. You, Lord, are the only One who can not only fill the void, but eradicate the crater altogether.
God, fill us up with You until we overflow. Fill us with Your love, joy, and peace until we become contagious and spread it to everyone.
We need You like never before. Help us to stop looking for void-fillers and instead seek only after You.

In the name of Jesus we pray,
Amen

Burden lifted! Here comes the sleepy train. ZZZZzzzzz.

Plug the hole

Every night this week, "dream me" has been dating or in a relationship or married...
And every morning this week, I wake up feeling like there's a hole in my heart (like iron man without his reactor), remembering that i'm single and not dating anyone...
And every morning this week, I pray for God's presence and love to plug the hole...

No more emptiness

Updating my status a/k/a Boo-loving on Jesus

I'm in the season of the SOBS
You know... The Sick Of Being Single Syndrome
Where I daydream about the you-know-whos
and cringe inwardly every time I read a status update
Blankety-blank is in a relationship...
Blankety-blank is engaged...
Blankety-blank is married...
Blankety-blank is pregnant...

and I'm happy for them :-)
but ultimately not-so-happy for me :-\

God is my rock and my shield, my comfort in the time of sorrow, the One whom I lift up mine eyes and my head and my hands and my heart

and I know He's got me in the palm of His hand, His beloved child who is special enough to be set apart.

And while I wait for the blessing that God has intended for me, I'll spend time with Him. I might be earthly single but I'm in a heavenly relationship and need to start acting like it.
I need to spend time with God everyday, tell Him about the things going on in my life. Even though He's omniscient about everything and everybody and already knows what I'm going to tell Him, I suspect He would just like to hear the sound of my voice.

Then before you know it, I'll be the one updating my status!

His,
BlueLady

Finding my birthday joy

Today is a day for honesty and translucency. This ugliness has got come out of me.

Normally, my birthday is a joyous celebration, encompassing several days and incorporating as many activities as it can hold. Regularly scheduled activities that have nothing to do with me are also included in my celebration. (Why yes, Bidwell had service this weekend just for me and my birthday....) I usually have a wonderful time and its only a small thought in the back of my head (I'm still single...)

This year, I'm struggling. Because my birthday brings three glaring realities to the forefront:
1) Mommy is not here to sing to me (*sobs quietly, wipes face*)
2) There is no one here to fill that void
3) the small thought has become a loud, piercing roar...I'M STILL SINGLE!

Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family, who already have gone or are going to go above and beyond to celebrate the day of my birth. But there's nothing to replace Mommy's love and while I kinda knew that, I didn't really know it. I expected to feel sad on Mother's Day and her birthday and for Christmas to be hard. But feeling this level of sadness on my birthday has really thrown me for a loop. And I think its because my singleness and her passing have tag-teamed me and it's almost too much to bear.

So now what... Where do I go from here?  How do I find my lost birthday joy?
The answer is Jesus (duh!). Obviously, He's the only who can fill this gaping hole in my life. Obviously, I need to stop crying, stop complaining, pull out the Bible and read. Obviously!

Sounds easy huh? And it is, but I'm not going to sit here and front like it is already "well with my soul" because its not. Truth be told, I'm mad that I'm in this predicament. But maybe if I was obedient, I wouldn't be in this situation.

So, I sit here, like a rebellious child, sitting in the corner, thinking about what I've done...
I open my Word and seek out Psalms and here is the 91st chapter, verses 14-16:

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life, will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Wow, this is a live show folks, it is unscripted. Literally, that's what my eyes fell on and I read it as I typed it.

Did you just hear God fuss me out?

Let me break this down for you...

She loves me, so I'm going to rescue her (from these messy feelings); I'll continue to keep her safe (from the drama) because she is down for me and lets everyone know. If she would just call me (instead of calling everyone else), I would answer. I am with her in the times of trouble and I will deliver her. Have I left her yet?? Today is her birthday and she needs to celebrate it because she's got a lot more living to do. Then maybe she can live life the way I meant for her to do, for the rest of her days.

Well, children, there it is. Bla-dowwww *in my Eddie Kang Jr voice*

I've been secretly struggling for 3 days with this mess. And God cleaned it up with a paragraph.

God is so amazing, and wonderful, and loving, and kind. There's none like Him.
If you don't know Him, stop playing around and ask Him to come into your life.

Signed, sealed, delivered, ^ I'm His ^.

Time to go celebrate this day and every day!

ttyl,
BlueLady

P.S. - Why oh why did I not take today off? WHAT WAS I THINKING? :-)

selfish desire...

Alright, let me get this out of the way so I can move past it.
I've had an attitude since last night and woke up with it this morning.
Most times, I carry my virginal status around like a banner, holding it up for all to see "Glory be to God" etc etc, but I didn't used to always be like that... I used to hide it until the last minute

"Um sir, um did I mention I'm waiting for marriage??? Well yes, I know we're both naked... sorry about that"

Right.. so after waking up to too many letters of regret and rejection, from scribbled notes telling me I was too pure to disappearing off the face of the earth, I got tired of having my heart broken weeks into the relationship. So I started telling men up front...

"Hi its nice to meet you too. You're not getting any."
*brotha backpedals so fast I can see clouds of dust in the air*

So now I'm somewhere in the middle... I mean, its plastered on my facebook and twitter profiles and if you read my blog you would know, but I don't bring it up until they do. So when sex comes up in the conversation, I keep it real and honest.

So I'm sure my readers are wondering, so what's the problem? I mean, you've made a choice and you stuck by it. Why the attitude?

I'll tell you why... BECAUSE IT SUCKS!!!
My love life is nonexistent and my social life is... well that's ok but only bc I make it so.

With a banner like this, I should just be focused on my love for Jesus but I'm human so I struggle with it. Everyday I bitterly question God, why me??? And He patiently answers Why Not You? I ask, when am I going to find the love of my life??? And He patiently replies When Are You Going to Love Me and Others More Than You Love Yourself?

*ouch*
Gotta love when the Holy Spirit convicts you in the middle of blogging about yourself!

Y'know Lenten season is supposed to be about sacrifice, and when Lent is over, we should be changed. Just as Christ was crucified so that we could live, we should be crucifying something of our own.

Personally, I'm nailing my selfish desire to the cross.

What about you?

Update:
Let me get some verses on here for personal reflection:

Romans 6:6 NLT
We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.

Galatians 2:20 NLT
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 5:24 NLT
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

Galatians 6:14 NLT
As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.

Wow, God just slapped me upside the head with His Word...

Now that's love!

Somebody was supposed to be here...

This a.m. I am a bundle of emotions... I feel like I do when its that time. During "that time", I generally get into the rut of lonely & abandoned (I.e. nobody loves me, nobody cares, blah, blah, blah). So its weird to feel like this today. Clearly its not true, clearly I have wonderful friends who are always there for me. But today as I continue to sift thru the rest of mommy's mountain of stuff, I realize that I'm alone. Somebody was supposed to be here when Mommy left. Somebody was supposed to be here to fill the gap of losing her. And all I have is who I already had.

"I thought we had a deal!"

God already told us that He'll never put more us than we can bear. This is a lot but I will get through it!

So as I try to banish these feelings of self-pity, I cling to Jesus, the One who loves me the most. The one who I should be clamoring to get closer to, rather than some man!

Pray for me. You already know I'm praying for you!

BlueLady

Dream Maryn is doing better than i thought...

So, since my mom transitioned to glory, I've kinda been in a holding pattern... waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been coping so well, but I'm such an excellent coper (lol) that I thought I might be too good... just holding it in until I could let it go...

See the fam is still here, but expected to go home today. While I love my family, I am ready to have my house back to myself (even though its only mine for 4 more weeks...)

Anyway, in my dreams I tend to keep things as they were. E.g. -My home is usually the house I grew up in. So its been weird that I haven't dreamt that my mom was still alive. Until this morning, I hadn't dreamt anything about her at all! Again I thought this was just a delay of grief.

But guess what? This am, I dreamt about church and was trying to gather everyone in the hallway who supported us during this whole process. I was going to tap them on the shoulder and they would know to stand up so I could pray with them. It was kinda odd but the point is that Dream Maryn who likes to imagine the best in life knows Mommy is gone too.

I know that this process has barely begun, but hooray for coping, I guess!