Bye 2010!
If I had to sum up this year in six-word-increments, here's what it would look like:
Mommy's surviving cancer, God is GOOD!
Still single, but I'll be okay.
Caseworkers hate KIDS(TM), but not children!
Yup, that's 2010 in a nutshell for me....
I feel like I'm at a crossroads though. Been feeling antsy and restless b/c something's about to happen. Darned if I know what....
I can't even decide how I want to bring in 2011. I wanted to have a small party, but that didn't pan out. Normally, I go to church. This year, I'm not feeling it. Don't get me wrong, God deserves every bit of my praise! 'Cause he's been amazing and awesome! But something about ringing in 2011 in the A-V booth again is just a tad depressing. The last time I celebrated NYE with a boo was... 2006/2007 (I think... Yikes).
I've had some dalliances since then but none have spanned the new year.
Not sure if I even want a relationship. The whole dating, trusting, loving thing gets dicey.
"Somebody almost walked off wit alia my stuff...." But left somebody else's baggage behind. Because I used to not have baggage, not me, the naïve gullible trusting one.
I kinda wish I could meet "him" and be like "Hi. I'm Maryn. God said I'm supposed to marry you." And he says, "Yup". And then we just get married, with vows that we agree to stand by. Sounds easy to me! Lol! If only things could be that simple...
I guess I'm just ready for a new direction...
Well, enough of that, I've got one resolution so far and its the utmost:
Test God for 26: I've never tithed my gross before. So this year I'm gonna do it, every pay period!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Fat-Minded...
So, I just made a discovery of myself. I'm fat. Ok, that's clearly not the discovery. But even more so, even if I was a size 4, I would still be fat. And by fat, I don't mean body-dysmorphic, look at my thighs, etc sort of fat. I mean that I THINK fat. Therefore I'm fat-minded. Tonight, when I hadn't even eaten dinner, I'm thinking about breakfast. (Mmm, coffee...)
Lately, while in the midst of financial crises, I've been miserable. So, naturally I thought I was upset because I didn't have money. I thought that money had this strange hold on me, with the power to alter my mood (which it still does a little) but in all actuality, what upsets me more about being broke is being deprived of good food. What's good food you ask? ANYTHING that is prepared FOR me, rather than BY me! With the exception of food at my house (I don't trust my refrigerator, but that's another story...)....... Ahem.
Anyway, so, if I'm broke and somebody gives me money, I'm SUPER happy. But if they give me food instead, heck I'm still happy!
A couple of months ago, I realized that my spending habits were scarily aligned with my eating habits. So I devised this lifestyle change - Eat Within My Means! Where I would buy lunchmeat and all the sandwich fixins and eat a sandwich and chips everyday, rather than the high-calorie fast food I normally eat. So at least for lunchtime, this would save me money and ultimately my cholesterol and hey I might even lose weight and I'm loving it right?! Untillll the lunchmeat runs out and my wallet is empty and I'm stuck again... Then the whole stupid cycle starts all over again.
Smh, I have NO willpower at all. Lord, please don't let me get any health condition that requires me to eat a low calorie, low sugar, low fat, low carb, low fun diet! 'Cause I'm pretty sure, if it comes down to cookies or my health, I won't be able to keep from choosing COOKIES! I mean, I guess y'all could lock my food up like I had prader-willy but...
Ok, sorry for the tangent. I wonder if I would love food so much if my finances were better/stable? I mean, clearly, th more money you have, the more choices you have, so maybe that will fix my issue. Hmm....
-BlueLady
P.s. I allegedly have a date this friday. ALLEGEDLY! And guess what I care more about? Somebody wants to buy me food. Hooray! I know...I'm a lost cause... Y'all still love me tho right??
;-)
<3 Be Inspired <3
Thursday, June 17, 2010
16 years and...I'm done!
Picture it - Middle School, 1994- and I've got a serious crush on somebody. That crush turns into another crush and then into another crush. And before u know it, im crushin' on Errybody! Hmmph!
My journals were full of the standard woe-is-me, nobody likes me, when will I have a boyfriend etc etc. BORING! Right?
Fast-forward to high school, and the journals are similar, 'cept now I've found Jesus so I'm praying in between the whines...
Back then, all I could solace myself with was dreams about the future. My future boyfriends, which would lead to my future husband, and my future kids, cause that's what I was destined to do!
Who would've thought that 16 years later, I'd still be right there in the woe-is-mes. Waiting for God's promises to be fulfilled....
And I'm not normally the type to count the years that have gone by, but an interesting turn of events led me to pull out my old journals and letters this week and wow! I mean, really?? The wasted heartbreak and the tears I cried over boys who didn't return my interest. Or if they did, as friends only. One in particular, I put on the backburner (on simmer tho), and when he re-appeared recently, my inner teenager started dancin and I was ret-to-go (y'heard me?)! But of course, reality stepped back in (He's just not that into me...) and as I read those old journals, I counted the years that this attraction had been "simmering". I had to mentally slap myself! Really, girl, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? He didn't like you then. And he dern sure don't love you now! PLEASE MOVE ON!
So... This is usually the part of my whine where I remember how much God loves me and remind myself that he loves me SO much and that everything is working for my good and He'll never put more on me than I can bear and I KNOW all this but tonight, I'm not really feeling it...
I'll be alright tho...
Keep praying for me. I'll be praying for you!
-BlueLady
<3 Be Inspired <3
My journals were full of the standard woe-is-me, nobody likes me, when will I have a boyfriend etc etc. BORING! Right?
Fast-forward to high school, and the journals are similar, 'cept now I've found Jesus so I'm praying in between the whines...
Back then, all I could solace myself with was dreams about the future. My future boyfriends, which would lead to my future husband, and my future kids, cause that's what I was destined to do!
Who would've thought that 16 years later, I'd still be right there in the woe-is-mes. Waiting for God's promises to be fulfilled....
And I'm not normally the type to count the years that have gone by, but an interesting turn of events led me to pull out my old journals and letters this week and wow! I mean, really?? The wasted heartbreak and the tears I cried over boys who didn't return my interest. Or if they did, as friends only. One in particular, I put on the backburner (on simmer tho), and when he re-appeared recently, my inner teenager started dancin and I was ret-to-go (y'heard me?)! But of course, reality stepped back in (He's just not that into me...) and as I read those old journals, I counted the years that this attraction had been "simmering". I had to mentally slap myself! Really, girl, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? He didn't like you then. And he dern sure don't love you now! PLEASE MOVE ON!
So... This is usually the part of my whine where I remember how much God loves me and remind myself that he loves me SO much and that everything is working for my good and He'll never put more on me than I can bear and I KNOW all this but tonight, I'm not really feeling it...
I'll be alright tho...
Keep praying for me. I'll be praying for you!
-BlueLady
<3 Be Inspired <3
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Words that start with C
So it kinda crept up on us... Mommy had some gastro issues that wouldn't go away. they did a scan, turns out there was a growth on her pancreas, nestled in between all kinds of veins and arteries, cutting off one of the bile ducts in her liver (i THINK that's what they said...). biopsy said Cancer. that opinion was seconded and thirded...
so, here we sit, awaiting the 1st dose of chemotherapy. And i have to face the reality that my relatively healthy and energetic mom with a diagnosis, who because of the strength and toxicity of chemo drugs, is going to transform into a sickly person who lacks energy, appetite, etc...
its funny, tho, we (my mom and me) are the optimistic side of our family unit. we're in here smiling because God is good and He hasn't brought us this far to leave us. Hallelujah Anyhow!
And in other news, i saw "just wright" on sunday and i aint been "wright" ever since! lol! lonnie "Common" lynn and his fine self jacked me up forreal... got me paying attention to folks i aint never paid attention to! then out of the CLEAR BLUE SKY, i get a call from a "blast from the past". y'all, i got off the phone and started hyperventilating. hot mess!
well, its bout to be summer, maybe MY new season is coming to :-)
pray for me and my mommy too!
(and the pessimists who are worrying us half to death!)
in God's arms,
BlueLady
<3 Be Inspired <3
so, here we sit, awaiting the 1st dose of chemotherapy. And i have to face the reality that my relatively healthy and energetic mom with a diagnosis, who because of the strength and toxicity of chemo drugs, is going to transform into a sickly person who lacks energy, appetite, etc...
its funny, tho, we (my mom and me) are the optimistic side of our family unit. we're in here smiling because God is good and He hasn't brought us this far to leave us. Hallelujah Anyhow!
And in other news, i saw "just wright" on sunday and i aint been "wright" ever since! lol! lonnie "Common" lynn and his fine self jacked me up forreal... got me paying attention to folks i aint never paid attention to! then out of the CLEAR BLUE SKY, i get a call from a "blast from the past". y'all, i got off the phone and started hyperventilating. hot mess!
well, its bout to be summer, maybe MY new season is coming to :-)
pray for me and my mommy too!
(and the pessimists who are worrying us half to death!)
in God's arms,
BlueLady
<3 Be Inspired <3
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A good friend is like a mirror....
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY, ALL AT THE SAME TIME
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
This is my meditation this morning... What is echoing in my spirit.
I think I've lost a friend this week and though the original reasons were petty on both parts, it quickly escalated into a deep conflict. I'm not sure the conflict will ever be resolved...
You know that I'm a questioner, right? I question everything and everybody, even my Lord and Savior (I know I'm not supposed to!)... I have to be able to explain things, I have to understand things, and I will seek the answer until I get it.
Now the most likely real reason behind it all, mmmm, I'm thinking, hand of God.
No, really! In my hard-headed existence, God will speak things to me and I won't hear Him. So, then He'll place an obstacle in the way, and I'll go around it. Sometimes it gets so bad, that He will have to make it explicitly clear... Something like this, that doesn't make a lot of sense, where hearts have been hardened makes me think that it was God. And whether I like it or not, I have to yield...
Friendships are hard to maintain and especially when they're real friendships. I've learned that every friendship goes through a rough time, if not a million rough times. But in the roughness, something should respond inside of you, something that says, despite this drama we going through, I wanna get through it because I wanna be friends again. Sometimes the only way to dispel the roughness it to hit it head on and deal with it. It hurts but in the end, its worth it!
In my life now, I try to hold my friends accountable for their actions because I need them to hold ME accountable for mine! Lord knows I need that, because I can justify anything. But a friend should care enough about me to show me that I've done wrong. Once a friend has shown me my wrong, I need to acknowledge that I've done wrong. If I can't do that, I need to at least acknowledge that I've upset the friend. If I refuse to acknowledge it at all, then the problem is on me....
I also realize that I'm a talker. HA! Big revelation, right? But I have to talk things through....
I know I'm rambling this morning as I try to sort out my feelings and lick my wounds. I'm trying to make this make sense. I probably just need to move on....
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY, ALL AT THE SAME TIME
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
This is my meditation this morning... What is echoing in my spirit.
I think I've lost a friend this week and though the original reasons were petty on both parts, it quickly escalated into a deep conflict. I'm not sure the conflict will ever be resolved...
You know that I'm a questioner, right? I question everything and everybody, even my Lord and Savior (I know I'm not supposed to!)... I have to be able to explain things, I have to understand things, and I will seek the answer until I get it.
Now the most likely real reason behind it all, mmmm, I'm thinking, hand of God.
No, really! In my hard-headed existence, God will speak things to me and I won't hear Him. So, then He'll place an obstacle in the way, and I'll go around it. Sometimes it gets so bad, that He will have to make it explicitly clear... Something like this, that doesn't make a lot of sense, where hearts have been hardened makes me think that it was God. And whether I like it or not, I have to yield...
Friendships are hard to maintain and especially when they're real friendships. I've learned that every friendship goes through a rough time, if not a million rough times. But in the roughness, something should respond inside of you, something that says, despite this drama we going through, I wanna get through it because I wanna be friends again. Sometimes the only way to dispel the roughness it to hit it head on and deal with it. It hurts but in the end, its worth it!
In my life now, I try to hold my friends accountable for their actions because I need them to hold ME accountable for mine! Lord knows I need that, because I can justify anything. But a friend should care enough about me to show me that I've done wrong. Once a friend has shown me my wrong, I need to acknowledge that I've done wrong. If I can't do that, I need to at least acknowledge that I've upset the friend. If I refuse to acknowledge it at all, then the problem is on me....
I also realize that I'm a talker. HA! Big revelation, right? But I have to talk things through....
I know I'm rambling this morning as I try to sort out my feelings and lick my wounds. I'm trying to make this make sense. I probably just need to move on....
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY, ALL AT THE SAME TIME
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
DeSTRESSion
All week I've been in a funk, unlike any other funk I've known before...
I mean, yeah its this week's hormones, but its also life. My family has been going thru a lot lately, especially sickness, then u add the snow, and my back and my knee, and my mom's car breaking down then the loss of my car key/remote. On top of that, u add the loud ticking of my biological clock. tick tock TICK tock TICK TOCK cuz my birthday is fast approaching! Then behind all the stress (and running my mom around), I got behind on my work so now when I should be relaxing at home, I've been catching up on work so Before I know it, I feel lonely and isolated, having briefer conversations with my friends b/c I'm too busy to have long ones. My DVR is filling up b/c watching my shows takes time and attention that I don't have. It may sound silly but I've even noticed that I only have time to do my own farm but don't have the time or energy to help my neighbors.
And before I know it, I've wrapped myself in a cocoon of loneliness and bad thoughts, longing for fulfillment of at least one of my personal goals... And the cycle continues...
But all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord! Thanks be to God, who is able to do more than I could ever think or imagine. Who in the instant it takes me to utter "Help me Jesus" has already begun to work his comforting Spirit within me, to remind me that I am His and despite the failings of man, He will always be there for me!
This deSTRESSion is only my reaction to the season of famine I'm in. But after famine, comes surplus. The night is darkest right before sunrise. And as Karen Clark-Sheard sings, I'm Coming Out! You're Coming Out! We're Coming Out! Coming Out of This Thing!
Right now, I'm reclaiming my optimism and sense of peace in my life! Its Mine! I'll continue this lenten fast from meat, recommitting myself to prayer time and hopefully soon, Bible time!
God's so awesome! Don't you agree?
:-D
Safe in His Arms,
BlueLady
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I mean, yeah its this week's hormones, but its also life. My family has been going thru a lot lately, especially sickness, then u add the snow, and my back and my knee, and my mom's car breaking down then the loss of my car key/remote. On top of that, u add the loud ticking of my biological clock. tick tock TICK tock TICK TOCK cuz my birthday is fast approaching! Then behind all the stress (and running my mom around), I got behind on my work so now when I should be relaxing at home, I've been catching up on work so Before I know it, I feel lonely and isolated, having briefer conversations with my friends b/c I'm too busy to have long ones. My DVR is filling up b/c watching my shows takes time and attention that I don't have. It may sound silly but I've even noticed that I only have time to do my own farm but don't have the time or energy to help my neighbors.
And before I know it, I've wrapped myself in a cocoon of loneliness and bad thoughts, longing for fulfillment of at least one of my personal goals... And the cycle continues...
But all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord! Thanks be to God, who is able to do more than I could ever think or imagine. Who in the instant it takes me to utter "Help me Jesus" has already begun to work his comforting Spirit within me, to remind me that I am His and despite the failings of man, He will always be there for me!
This deSTRESSion is only my reaction to the season of famine I'm in. But after famine, comes surplus. The night is darkest right before sunrise. And as Karen Clark-Sheard sings, I'm Coming Out! You're Coming Out! We're Coming Out! Coming Out of This Thing!
Right now, I'm reclaiming my optimism and sense of peace in my life! Its Mine! I'll continue this lenten fast from meat, recommitting myself to prayer time and hopefully soon, Bible time!
God's so awesome! Don't you agree?
:-D
Safe in His Arms,
BlueLady
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
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