Calling on you, Jesus...

I might not be able to sleep tonight.... There's so much going on.
Just watched Jay-Z's video in shock and disbelief, in how far he's gone (in terms of this whole demonic imaging thing). That video, made me want to hide in my prayer closet and STAY THERE... Anyway, that's not what I'm really on here tonight...

I suppose what's really got me upset is having issues in my family that I can't do anything about. It feels terrible to want to help someone, but be powerless. So as I sit here, praying for the phone to ring to let me know everything is okay, I figured I'd blog.

You know, in my job, we joke about mental health issues, all the time. It's sad to say, but we do, particularly in downtown McKeesport, where my office building is. Due to the fact that all of the social services (mental health/mental retardation, Welfare, WIC, Social Security, career counseling, GED program, aging, and child welfare) are within a 1/4 mile radius of each other, I see some of the most disturbed and disturbing people outside of my office building. Most of the time, if we're not scared to death, we laugh at all of the craziness and just blame it on the area.... but truth be told, people are accessing the services they're in need of, which is actually a good thing. But yet, in our minds, we degrade these people, believing that they're less than....

Tonight, though, mental health issues are far from funny. There are some people who've been sick for years, with depression or schizophrenia, who are constantly in a cycle of illness and recovery that they never seem to get out of. And for those who self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, the cycle is even worse. But then there are those people who lead normal, everyday lives, whom you would never know anything was wrong until.... it strikes. Something that causes the chemicals in their brain to unbalance. Seems to me that its due to an overflow of not-so-positive emotions. That something happens that upsets the person, and neurotransmitters start acting up, and oh boy, you've got an episode on your hands. And all of a sudden, without warning, the world for them flips sideways and everything is different. You're not eating the same. You're not sleeping the same. Nothing looks the same, nothing smells the same, people aren't acting the same. You know something is wrong, but you can't figure out what happened? So, your guard goes up. You become mistrustful of everything. Things that you could normally brush past and ignore, you can't now because they might be able to tell you how to fix this. But instead, all the extra worry just pulls you in........

Such a vicious cycle! I can't even imagine having this happen to me, without warning.... Jesus!

Well, all I can do is listen and pray and pray and listen until its over. Before long, the normal and ordinary will return and we'll forget the episode even occurred.

Placing ALL my trust in Jesus, the lover of my soul

-BlueLady

My name is Maryn and I'm a Virgin *GASP*

Geez, how do I begin? I mean, this has been weighing on me for a minute... This need to share my story, my testimony (or at least a snippet from it) but I keep putting it off... So what better time than a night when I should be asleep but am still wired... A lot of stuff on my mind after tonight but *inhale, exhale*, here it goes....

Almost everyone knows that my 30th birthday is quickly approaching and like most people, I'm measuring my accomplishments and finding myself short of my original goals. Pretty standard, I think, "By the time I'm 30, I'll be married with at least 1 child, a homeowner, and have my Masters Degree". Funny, how I just named all of the things I don't have, but I'm blessed with so many other things that I'm okay... Except the one thing that's bugging me is this whole wife/mother thing. Probably because 90% of my BFFs are married mothers. Another 7% are engaged. So, the phrase, always a bridesmaid... Yeah, you know the rest.
But here's the real kicker, me being single and childless isn't just your standard "I'm waiting for Mr. Right..." No, its so much more than that.

I'm a virgin. (Wow, that was kinda hard to type!) And I'm waiting for marriage. And before you start thinking "Awww, how sweet", know that its anything but. Know that my virgin status does not equal my innocence, at all! I just made a promise and stuck with it... Whenever I'm in a relationship, and things start getting hot and heavy, I always joke that I'm a VIP (Virgin in Peril). Trust me when I tell you, I've been awfully close SEVERAL TIMES (playing with fire) and its only by God's grace that its still intact. The situations I've been in could have easily led to non consensual sex but thanks be to God for God-fearing men who heeded His warnings.

My decision to wait for marriage was not an immediate one. If someone would have told me in middle school, that I would eventually wait for marriage, even to age 30, I would have never believed it. In middle school, being a virgin was more lack of opportunity then anything else. In high school, though, after I gave my life to Christ, it was the expected behavior of a Christian and in college, the fear that I would end up pregnant, just because that's how I expected God to work in my hard-headed life. Afterward, in post-college adulthood, it became my personal quest to break the cycle of unwed mothers in my familial line and I refused to have sex without being married for fear that I would break my promise. Nowadays, its wavering resolve. I say, wavering, because I NEVER imagined I would be a 30-year-old virgin and of course the childish part of me wants to challenge God (God, if I'm not engaged by 11:30pm EST on 3-26-10, I'm sleeping with the first man I run into...) But that never lasts long cause I know it wouldn't be worth it. I mean, why risk the blessing that I KNOW God has in store for me for being obedient? So, still I wait....and wait...and wait. And of course, God will never put more on you than you can bear, so I'm back to lack of opportunity. God knows how vulnerable I am right now. I'd be liable to lay down with anybody out of desparity!

Anyway, I'm also trying to come to terms that it may not even be in His Will for me to marry and/or have children, something I hate to admit I even worry about. But I do! What if God's given me this desire to marry a man I can love and support and nurture and be fully loved by in return, but instead I'm to use that love in service to Him? What if I'm surrounded by all these children (godkids, work, church) because I'll never have my own? And especially with the feeling that we're in the last days... I don't know. God loves me and knows the plans He has for me and wouldn't give me such strong desire if He never intended for me to have it... Or is that desire/temptation my cross to bear?

At this point, I have no idea, but in the meantime, I continue to thank God for keeping me because my lifestyle is always peaceful and safe. No pregnancy or STD scares. No worries about taking care of a child's expenses when I barely manage to cover my own. No baby daddy drama or forsaken love ties to men who weren't meant to be in my life in the first place! For all of that, I'm thankful.

So now, I need to flip VIP to Virgin in Prayer because that's what's going to bring me through! I continue to pray that there's a husband for me. But if not, God knows what's best for me and I pray for the ability to trust Him and that I'll find joy in His will for my life, come what may.

Whew! This was hard to write, but I guess I felt compelled because somebody out there is struggling with abstinence too. Maybe you're one of the few virgins out there who are thinking about giving in. Maybe you're just single and trying to remain celibate until you're married. I have no idea, but "I, therefore, urge you" to keep your promise. Whoever/Whatever God has in store for you in the future, is worth the wait. And if you're struggling with this and in a relationship now, God be with you and your boo, that you both can remain chaste and obedient!

I'm a living testimony, trying to remain in God's favor, despite what a hot mess I am!

Pray for me y'all! You already know I'm praying for you.

In His Service (Obediently),
Maryn
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Too much baggage for butterflies....

Once upon a time (3 years ago), I was a naïve and innocent woman, gullible, willing to believe the best about everybody...

Then came the liar...

Never even considered the notion that he might be untruthful... Until the 4AM call from his long-term PREGNANT girlfriend...

Less naïve, but still innocent, awaiting perfection to find me... Oh that was just one guy, no need for baggage

Then came another liar...

Questioned him to death, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE SINGLE?? Okay, I believed... Until he stopped communicating. An emotional cheater, rather than a physical one...

Even less naïve, still innocent, awaiting perfection to find me... Now I've encountered 2 liars... Isolated cases! There's still hope!

Then came a truth-teller!

Why are you still single, I asked. Spirit of God moved him to say "Actually I'm not..."
WHAT?! Wow...

Naivete shattered, still innocent. Awaiting perfection to find me, but perfection doesn't exist among earthly men...

In the now...
where's the oooey gooey, crushy feelings? Where are the butterflies?

Do I have too much baggage for butterflies? Have they taken off with my naivete or are they simply trapped in the suitcases I'm carrying?

I don't know yet but my eyes are open and my walls are up. I'm not bitter... Yet...

*Sigh* I miss being naïve....
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

#Shoutout to Good Parents

Yesterday, as I was thinking of clever things to tweet, I thought of an affirmation, "I am a beautiful black woman..." But before I could finish my thought, I was instantly transported back in time to a time when I was forced to recite my mom's poem that started with that same line. I remember, reciting it over and over again and her yelling at me to SLOW DOWN! 15 years later, I remember 80% of that poem. But all that reciting, slowing down, and enunciating prepared me for presentations in high school and college. It prepared me for testifying in court, as I'll be doing today. It prepared me for public speaking, in general!

Yesterday reminded me of how important parents are, especially those who make us do stuff that's for our own good. Parents that care do this and other things in the best interest of their children. They make decisions that take their kids' well being into account. And when they make mistakes, they accept the consequences and make changes.

You would think that being a caseworker, I only deal with bad parents. On the contrary, I actually deal with some good ones.
A parent who cusses out the school district for not addressing a child's educational deeds. A parent who refuses to let her teen come home because he's safer in a supervised placement. A parent who is letting a child be adopted because the parent is mature enough to recognize that the child's medical needs will be better met by the foster parents. They are all good parents in their own right and I applaud them!

So, shouts out to good parents. Your good decisions and parenting style WILL pay off. Even if its years later!

<Be Inspired>

P.S. I recited the poem to my mom this morning and she smiled... I'd recite it for y'all too, but I'm not sure if she copyrighted it ;-)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Whine: $$$$$

So, while I sit, waiting for my mom's procedure to be done, might as well blog, right?

This a.m., I started selling some stuff on eBay. Me, the consumnate pack rat is trying to get rid of something. Taking a page from the book of Pooh (Melanie, not Winnie), figured I might as well give it a try, because earning even an extra dollar is worth the try.

Speaking of, I've been applying for random part-time jobs. How random? Try UPS, American Textile, Giant Eagle, Yellow Cab, and some TSS provider on Craigslist. Of course the warehouse-y jobs that I would rather work night-turn at, aren't calling me. Overqualifed, blah blah blah. The TSS provider (Southwestern Human Services) has called though. Don't really wanna be a TSS, but I gotta do something and we all know that kids are my life! We're not even gonna discuss how much debt I'm in, but just suffice it to say that its much worse than it was and that if I can get to the point where I can afford bankruptcy, I might finally do it.

I don't know anyone else who let's money affect their mood the way that I do. I mean, I can be on top of the world, but let me be broke without money to buy food, and I'm immediately down in the dumps.

Which brings me to my new plan. Its called "Eat Within My Means". Hopefully, this will not only save me some money but also help me to drop some lbs.

Prayer: Dear God, as I undertake this effort to improve the stewardship of the money you've given to me, help me to be grateful and stay encouraged. For there are numerous individuals who have so much less than me but do so much more with it. As always, help me to be a shining light, brightly showing others Your goodness and grace. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen!

*Happy Sigh*
I feel better already!

"Be Encouraged"
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Too Busy to Blog

Yeah I am. I mean, right now I'm blogging via Blackberry as I drive to my Zeta meeting, which isn't the safest thing in the world to do!

So if I had the time, here's some topics I would blog about:

I've Been Blacklisted by Insurance Companies

Curlers + Slippers in The New Millennium

I Heart Socialism (Most of the Time)

When is Good Music Coming Back??

and the list goes on...

Well I'll try to find time for blogging. Maybe once a week...

"Be Inspired"

Ps. Hug Somebody!
<3 Be Inspired <3

The Twitterverse

Today was an emotional rollercoaster of a day as you can tell by my updates...
But a bright spot happened while I was waiting for my food in a local pizza shop. SportsCenter was on and as I listened, I realized that I actually KNEW what they were talking about. Thanks to my Sports tweeple, I knew all about the LeBron dunking pseudo-scandal and Nike's cover-up. Now I may not be clear about who dunked on who, but I still knew about it. It made me realize that I'm exposed to a wide array of information that may have bypassed me in the real world. In my twitterverse, I follow a variety of people and I learn thru them. Even though I may never fit in with these groups in person, on Twitter, I'm included in the conversation.
I've already told u about the sports guys, who have been tweeting about a b-ball street game, and steve mcnair. I've got my greeks on here, cutting up (Shouts out to my dovely tworors holding it down!) And my music heads on here take it back, sharing their songs with all of us. We've got my bloggers who keep life interesting and the black activists who are trying to mobilize us all. I've got friends who are politicians and friends who are part of the GLBT community. I've got friends in the states, and friends around the world. Finally, there's the smallest group, the people I know in real life. Twitter brings us all together.
I can't forget the celebrities! Those that are real and genuine (Donnie Wahlberg is surprisingly inspirational_ and those who I can't tell if its really them... (Will the real Jennifer Hudson stand up??) Then there are those who are obviously lying (Steve Harvey-wannabe, if u were a real fan, u would know that Steve is a techno-phobe and if he managed to get a twitter, he wouldn't tweet as often as you!)
Some of the celebrities are so real, that u feel like u know them (Somebody check on BowWow. He's really unhappy) and other celebs I've had to unfollow b/c their frequent tweets about certain stuff was getting on my nerves! (Cause WizKhalifah, I really don't wanna know how often ur getting high. TMI!)

The point is, my friend Crystal says, "Twitter is what you make of it." You can shape your twitterverse however you want.

Thanks to all my friends who are educating me about all the different pieces of our world. We may not always agree, but know that you are loved. Bear with me in my rookie status!

Shouts to my followers. Tweet me if u really wanna be my friend. Spammers need not apply!