Falling In Love...11/4/13

...With Jesus! (Ha! Gotcha! Did you really think I was in a relationship and you didn't know about it??)

Anyway, I guess I should start at the beginning of the middle of my life....

Lately, I've been feeling kind of restless in my spirit and about three weeks ago, I popped into my pastor's office to talk to her about it. She finally asked me one question, "so... in all of that you're constantly doing each day, how much time are you spending with the Lord?"  Um, well, er.... all of that to say, not even half as much as I should be. So, she challenged me, spend an hour with the Lord, everyday. Read the Bible, really read it, and find yourself, your story in the Word.
This presented challenges to me... An hour? My brain immediately started wondering where the heck am I going to find an hour in my busy day? Since then, I've been struggling with it... Logistically, my schedule is a hot mess and I make other folks tired just posting about the places I go and things I do throughout the week.
Am I doing too much? Between my sorority, my church life, and work, is there something I can give up? The answer was nope, not right through here. Once I've committed to something, that's it. But in the future, who knows? But I can't wait til then to do this. So I tried several things...
      First, I tried first thing in the morning. I would get up at 5am, jump in the shower to wake myself up, then start reading my Word. Problem here: reading any book in the morning takes me right back to sleepy-town. Then I started journaling/note taking important points as I read... Nope still sleepy.
     Then I said, well, what about as soon as I get in the bed? I never immediately fall asleep, I have to wind down first. But then I decided I didn't want to give Him the wind-down. He deserves my very best!
And yet, since I still hadn't found a solution, I did pretty much nothing.*
(*Sidenote - I did start reading My Utmost for His Highest Devotional Bible in my bathroom. While it has been somewhat effective, it's FAR from being a prime location and it's not the hour I'm supposed to spending time with Him.)
So I've continued to pray about it, continued to mull over different options. (e.g. reading at lunchtime - "But then I'll get grease prints on the Bible!").
     Then this morning, it hit me! (Hello, Megan!" -- in my M'gann Morriz voice)
Girl, you have not blogged in forever. And for whatever reason, journaling has always been a special way to unlock my thoughts and focus on what was really going on with me. So, that's what I gotta do. I gotta write it, I gotta blog it. I gotta get out of my bed, turn on my mobile hotspot but otherwise ignore my phone, go into the living room, turn on my computer-TV, and write about the word of God and where it takes me.
Similar to taking notes during the sermon, this process helps me. And this gives God the first-fruits of my day, which is what I really wanted to do in the first place!
     And how do I know I'm on the right track already? I started writing and my cursor kept disappearing and reappearing so I would type two words, then click click click, then three more words.....  spent 20 minutes researching my disappearing cursor and couldn't find the answer... Decided it was probably an IE10 issue and tried writing in Chrome. Ta Da! Problem solved. Whatever devil! Nice try! And here I am writing and engaged and already have some Word to share, that I've read and pondered about.
And who knows, maybe one day, I'll find the time, discipline, focus, to come straight home, turn everything off, and sit with Jesus. But right now, that's not even feasible for my life. Busyness is in my blood. I just have to find a way to use it for God's glory and not my own gratification.

Onto the Word... (or closer to the Word than I've been lol)
I spend a lot of time thinking about my future and talking to God about it. And I'm getting better with being at peace regarding my single status. I do know that I have to put Him first then everything else will fall into place. (Seek ye first the Kingdom of God... and all of these things will be added unto you...)
So, I gotta date, go steady with, fall in love with, and marry Jesus (and be okay with it!)
Normally, the first moments of waking, I'm coming out of a dream that makes me long for my future to start now, so I immediately begin to pray, asking God to help me with that and to draw me closer to Him while I am waiting for my future husband. This morning, the words of Jonathan Butler's song "Falling In Love With Jesus" popped in my head and then I started thinking about Love and the verse came to mind, "If you love me, feed my sheep". So, as I prepared to write this post, I jumped on that and looked for it in Mommy's Disciple's Study Bible (NIV) and had to manually search for it. Sure, I could have pulled out my Bible app, but that could have led down the oft-taken road to distraction-ville (a post on Facebook, my ham musabi in Restaurant Story is finished cooking, a text message or missed call, etc). I could have searched for it on the computer and found it and even copied and pasted it. But, seeing as the whole point in this is to actually know and study His word... you get it! So, I went old school and used the mini-concordance in the back. I knew the word "Love" was in there and that He was talking to the disciples (most likely Peter) when He said it, so I knew it had to be in the gospels somewhere.... Based on the mini-concordance, I narrowed it down to John 14 or John 21, but I had to read them to be sure... .

I found this section first (and I manually typed it. Giving myself kudos because I am the queen of cut, copy, and paste!)
John 14:15; 21; 23
"If you love me, you will obey what I command..." "Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him..".Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him."

Okay, so this text is almost there. It's making it quite clear that if I loved Him, I would obey Him. I would already have His commands (i.e. the Word) and then I would actually follow them. So, I read it and highlighted it. And as I type this, I'm grateful for finding that one first, because it is confirmation for this entire exercise. Hallelujah for confirmation! But alas, that's not what I was searching for...
John 21:15-17
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs." Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of  my sheep." The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things, you know that I love you. Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."

(Gosh, so where do I even start? It's 6:45 and the sun is rising (gorgeous, by the way!). Gotta jump in the shower soon.)
I've read this text, heard sermons about this text for years. And it occurred to me that I always took this to be Jesus saying to Peter, Prove it. Prove your love for me by your actions. Take care of my sheep (i.e. the people who I've entrusted to you in this world, the people who need looking after). Feed and clothe the homeless, stuff like that. But this morning, in the context of "Falling in Love With Jesus", it echoes John 14.

Jesus: Maryn, do you love me?
Me: Are you serious, Lord? Of course, I love you
Jesus: Then do what I told you to do
Me: *looks down at shoelaces*
Me: Oh

Do I know all of what He is telling me to do? Not yet. The point is putting my spirit in agreement with obedience. Not sure if you know this, but I am STUBBORN, so even saying "Yes Lord" is a lot for me. I know I have an assignment or two or three on this earth, but I can't start it if I don't know what it is. I'll only know what it is is, if I listen to the teacher. I've been so busy chatting in the back of class, passing notes, doodling in my notebook, secretly reading my favorite book, you get where I'm going with this.
If I'm not listening, if I'm not studying, if I'm not focusing, I'll never get to the point of saying "yes, Lord, it is I, send me" because I didn't hear him calling me in the first place. And Lord knows, the last thing I need, is a whale, bus, airplane taking me somewhere I don't want to go because I've been disobedient. Nope, there's no good reason why I have to be taken to my assignment against my will.

Another interesting tidbit that occurred to me while I was typing the scripture..
Duh, Peter, you denied Jesus three times before He was crucified. Why are you acting like "How dare you ask me these things Lord?". Hence, why He asked you three times in a row, hello! Yup, got a lot in common with Peter, that's for sure! Just talking our way through life smh.

Anyway, thank you Lord, for the Word today! Help me to keep this word ever before me, on my forehead and written in my heart, but especially today. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to choose me. Even me with all of my mess. So very grateful for that!

Here's the link to "Falling in Love With Jesus"
Peace and Blessings to you on this Monday!

BlueLady Out!

Old school Nickelodeon....

This is super random, but you know how songs just pop in your head, out of the blue? Well, tonight, "The Cat Came Back" was in my head, for some reason that song has stuck with me. That got me thinking about the cartoon video that accompanied the song and how I used to hate when it came on because it was so long and kinda stupid.
Nickelodeon's programming used to be so random back in the day. Before the introduction of NickToons (Doug, Rugrats, et al), there was You Can't Do That On Television, Double Dare, David the Gnome, and Pinwheel!  Here's some illustrative  YouTube videos!

The Cat Came Back
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bETCusT5kNM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

You Can't Do That On Television
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WDjJOSCxyw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Pinwheel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLCg1kb1sA0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

David the Gnome
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jtyNF7BKds&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Maya the Bee
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NuZGKtCW_w&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Feeling and Filling the Void...

I haven't blogged in forever, but tonight I just have to. I was asleep but woke up with disconsolate feelings. Misery at 2am sucks!

Whenever I get through a crisis, I want to just put it behind me and move on, but it strikes me that someone may benefit from my experience. Maybe hearing my thoughts will save them some anguish.

I've been feeling kinda low lately. Most of the time, it's easy to bounce back but biology has me bound up...
I'm forced to deal with me and call these feelings out for what they are!

I'm missing something, actually it's probably several things...

I miss my mom. I miss living in the house with someone. I miss living in a house period. I miss having someone to share the bills with. I miss my bunny.  I miss my Nissan altima. I miss last winter's black boots.

I miss him. I miss return calls and "pub therapy". I miss the farcity of our "friendship". I miss watching the local news and the Today Show. I miss Wendy's breakfast menu. I miss the days of eating what I wanted without consequences.

I miss high school days and my high school faith. I miss college years and the trials I made it through. I miss that summer when we discovered bike night...

I'm sure there's more but Yikes, that's enough stuff. A crater of wants and needs that is empty. It's my void.

So, as I started praying for God to fill my void, I started thinking about everyone with voids so now I'm going to pray for us all.

Almighty God, there is none like You. How dare we forget how far You've brought us? We have taken our focus from You and placed it on ourselves,  and found ourselves severely lacking. Forgive us for our self-centeredness. We perceive that we are missing so much, but all we really need is more of You...
For every person we are missing and interaction we crave, Lord, please fill the void.
For every resource we need and material thing we desire, Lord, please fill the void.
God, help us to stop feeling our voids then filling them with people, places, and things that can't possibly do the job. You, Lord, are the only One who can not only fill the void, but eradicate the crater altogether.
God, fill us up with You until we overflow. Fill us with Your love, joy, and peace until we become contagious and spread it to everyone.
We need You like never before. Help us to stop looking for void-fillers and instead seek only after You.

In the name of Jesus we pray,
Amen

Burden lifted! Here comes the sleepy train. ZZZZzzzzz.

Plug the hole

Every night this week, "dream me" has been dating or in a relationship or married...
And every morning this week, I wake up feeling like there's a hole in my heart (like iron man without his reactor), remembering that i'm single and not dating anyone...
And every morning this week, I pray for God's presence and love to plug the hole...

No more emptiness

Updating my status a/k/a Boo-loving on Jesus

I'm in the season of the SOBS
You know... The Sick Of Being Single Syndrome
Where I daydream about the you-know-whos
and cringe inwardly every time I read a status update
Blankety-blank is in a relationship...
Blankety-blank is engaged...
Blankety-blank is married...
Blankety-blank is pregnant...

and I'm happy for them :-)
but ultimately not-so-happy for me :-\

God is my rock and my shield, my comfort in the time of sorrow, the One whom I lift up mine eyes and my head and my hands and my heart

and I know He's got me in the palm of His hand, His beloved child who is special enough to be set apart.

And while I wait for the blessing that God has intended for me, I'll spend time with Him. I might be earthly single but I'm in a heavenly relationship and need to start acting like it.
I need to spend time with God everyday, tell Him about the things going on in my life. Even though He's omniscient about everything and everybody and already knows what I'm going to tell Him, I suspect He would just like to hear the sound of my voice.

Then before you know it, I'll be the one updating my status!

His,
BlueLady

Finding my birthday joy

Today is a day for honesty and translucency. This ugliness has got come out of me.

Normally, my birthday is a joyous celebration, encompassing several days and incorporating as many activities as it can hold. Regularly scheduled activities that have nothing to do with me are also included in my celebration. (Why yes, Bidwell had service this weekend just for me and my birthday....) I usually have a wonderful time and its only a small thought in the back of my head (I'm still single...)

This year, I'm struggling. Because my birthday brings three glaring realities to the forefront:
1) Mommy is not here to sing to me (*sobs quietly, wipes face*)
2) There is no one here to fill that void
3) the small thought has become a loud, piercing roar...I'M STILL SINGLE!

Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family, who already have gone or are going to go above and beyond to celebrate the day of my birth. But there's nothing to replace Mommy's love and while I kinda knew that, I didn't really know it. I expected to feel sad on Mother's Day and her birthday and for Christmas to be hard. But feeling this level of sadness on my birthday has really thrown me for a loop. And I think its because my singleness and her passing have tag-teamed me and it's almost too much to bear.

So now what... Where do I go from here?  How do I find my lost birthday joy?
The answer is Jesus (duh!). Obviously, He's the only who can fill this gaping hole in my life. Obviously, I need to stop crying, stop complaining, pull out the Bible and read. Obviously!

Sounds easy huh? And it is, but I'm not going to sit here and front like it is already "well with my soul" because its not. Truth be told, I'm mad that I'm in this predicament. But maybe if I was obedient, I wouldn't be in this situation.

So, I sit here, like a rebellious child, sitting in the corner, thinking about what I've done...
I open my Word and seek out Psalms and here is the 91st chapter, verses 14-16:

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life, will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Wow, this is a live show folks, it is unscripted. Literally, that's what my eyes fell on and I read it as I typed it.

Did you just hear God fuss me out?

Let me break this down for you...

She loves me, so I'm going to rescue her (from these messy feelings); I'll continue to keep her safe (from the drama) because she is down for me and lets everyone know. If she would just call me (instead of calling everyone else), I would answer. I am with her in the times of trouble and I will deliver her. Have I left her yet?? Today is her birthday and she needs to celebrate it because she's got a lot more living to do. Then maybe she can live life the way I meant for her to do, for the rest of her days.

Well, children, there it is. Bla-dowwww *in my Eddie Kang Jr voice*

I've been secretly struggling for 3 days with this mess. And God cleaned it up with a paragraph.

God is so amazing, and wonderful, and loving, and kind. There's none like Him.
If you don't know Him, stop playing around and ask Him to come into your life.

Signed, sealed, delivered, ^ I'm His ^.

Time to go celebrate this day and every day!

ttyl,
BlueLady

P.S. - Why oh why did I not take today off? WHAT WAS I THINKING? :-)

selfish desire...

Alright, let me get this out of the way so I can move past it.
I've had an attitude since last night and woke up with it this morning.
Most times, I carry my virginal status around like a banner, holding it up for all to see "Glory be to God" etc etc, but I didn't used to always be like that... I used to hide it until the last minute

"Um sir, um did I mention I'm waiting for marriage??? Well yes, I know we're both naked... sorry about that"

Right.. so after waking up to too many letters of regret and rejection, from scribbled notes telling me I was too pure to disappearing off the face of the earth, I got tired of having my heart broken weeks into the relationship. So I started telling men up front...

"Hi its nice to meet you too. You're not getting any."
*brotha backpedals so fast I can see clouds of dust in the air*

So now I'm somewhere in the middle... I mean, its plastered on my facebook and twitter profiles and if you read my blog you would know, but I don't bring it up until they do. So when sex comes up in the conversation, I keep it real and honest.

So I'm sure my readers are wondering, so what's the problem? I mean, you've made a choice and you stuck by it. Why the attitude?

I'll tell you why... BECAUSE IT SUCKS!!!
My love life is nonexistent and my social life is... well that's ok but only bc I make it so.

With a banner like this, I should just be focused on my love for Jesus but I'm human so I struggle with it. Everyday I bitterly question God, why me??? And He patiently answers Why Not You? I ask, when am I going to find the love of my life??? And He patiently replies When Are You Going to Love Me and Others More Than You Love Yourself?

*ouch*
Gotta love when the Holy Spirit convicts you in the middle of blogging about yourself!

Y'know Lenten season is supposed to be about sacrifice, and when Lent is over, we should be changed. Just as Christ was crucified so that we could live, we should be crucifying something of our own.

Personally, I'm nailing my selfish desire to the cross.

What about you?

Update:
Let me get some verses on here for personal reflection:

Romans 6:6 NLT
We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.

Galatians 2:20 NLT
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 5:24 NLT
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

Galatians 6:14 NLT
As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.

Wow, God just slapped me upside the head with His Word...

Now that's love!