Okay,
I don't have a lot of time, but I love blogging and its time to get back to it.
I've been in the middle of reorganization.... Reorganizing my finances, reorganizing my finances, reorganizing my life.
There's been a lot going on, but things are looking up.
I'll admit that I'm still fighting my feelings for him.... Can't say that I'm doing so well though.
On that note, I should probably leave now and marinate in the car....
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
#IndependenceUrself Fool! *in my Chris Tucker voice*
Now they've done it! They done gone and made me angry! I tried to be peaceable, but I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more!
Have you ever realized that you don't matter to someone as much as they matter to you?
Normally, this scenario happens in relationships (I've been there too), but today I need to address when it happens in friendships.
First, let me start off by saying that I was a Campfire Girl and we used to sing this song that I really took to heart - "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold..."
For as long as I can remember, I have always held on to my friendships, from my first best friend (shoutout to Shae) to my most recent best friends. I've always been the hub friend, the friend that held the group together, because I refuse to let people go. Many friends from high school lose touch by the time they hit the 10 year reunion, I kept all of mine. And with the wonders of facebook? Heck, they've made it easy. I'll hold on to a friend forever, UNLESS you hurt my feelings, and then it's on like popcorn.
Recently, it occurred to me that one of my friends was really not my friend anymore. Surprise to me, because I felt like things were cool. I mean, adult life is busy, so I expected that we wouldn't be able to talk as much anymore or be able to go out as much anymore. Their life was super hectic and Lord knows I had a lot going on too. But then something happened and I realized that something was weird, that this isn't the way things are supposed to go. So I scheduled time to talk and made excuses for them. But when our "time to talk" got canceled (not rescheduled!), I should have known something was up. Then a scenario jumped in my head, and it made me so sad that it brought me to tears. I immediately blamed my wild imagination and made more excuses for them! I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say that I have proof that my claims are valid and my feelings are really and truly hurt.
As confrontational as I can be, I bet you're wondering why I'm blogging about it, rather than addressing it. Let's just chalk that up to extenuating circumstances, shall we? I may not address it directly, but I have to deal with it because at the end of the day, I have to protect my heart. The way I see it, I only have 2 options: Available or Unavailable.
My feelings are so close to the surface right now, that I'm not sure if I can be available and pretend like nothing is wrong. But if I go unavailable, I take the risk of them not even realizing I'm gone. Shouldn't they be made aware of how their actions (or inactions) have caused me pain? But then if they were really my friend, wouldn't they know without me having to be obvious about it.... I could go on and on about how this person could have handled this whole situation differently and just KEPT IT REAL, but why bother because the only person I can change is me.
What a pickle!
I have to eventually address it though, that's how I'm wired.... It's just a matter of when. Might be 2 years from now, LOL!
In the meantime, I'm just grateful that I have so many other WONDERFUL friends who show it on a regular basis, and whether we get together once a week or once a year, we get together! I love y'all. And where would I be without my ultimate best friend, Jesus, who wipes every tear? With Him, I can weather any storm.
In prayer,
BlueLady
Have you ever realized that you don't matter to someone as much as they matter to you?
Normally, this scenario happens in relationships (I've been there too), but today I need to address when it happens in friendships.
First, let me start off by saying that I was a Campfire Girl and we used to sing this song that I really took to heart - "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold..."
For as long as I can remember, I have always held on to my friendships, from my first best friend (shoutout to Shae) to my most recent best friends. I've always been the hub friend, the friend that held the group together, because I refuse to let people go. Many friends from high school lose touch by the time they hit the 10 year reunion, I kept all of mine. And with the wonders of facebook? Heck, they've made it easy. I'll hold on to a friend forever, UNLESS you hurt my feelings, and then it's on like popcorn.
Recently, it occurred to me that one of my friends was really not my friend anymore. Surprise to me, because I felt like things were cool. I mean, adult life is busy, so I expected that we wouldn't be able to talk as much anymore or be able to go out as much anymore. Their life was super hectic and Lord knows I had a lot going on too. But then something happened and I realized that something was weird, that this isn't the way things are supposed to go. So I scheduled time to talk and made excuses for them. But when our "time to talk" got canceled (not rescheduled!), I should have known something was up. Then a scenario jumped in my head, and it made me so sad that it brought me to tears. I immediately blamed my wild imagination and made more excuses for them! I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say that I have proof that my claims are valid and my feelings are really and truly hurt.
As confrontational as I can be, I bet you're wondering why I'm blogging about it, rather than addressing it. Let's just chalk that up to extenuating circumstances, shall we? I may not address it directly, but I have to deal with it because at the end of the day, I have to protect my heart. The way I see it, I only have 2 options: Available or Unavailable.
My feelings are so close to the surface right now, that I'm not sure if I can be available and pretend like nothing is wrong. But if I go unavailable, I take the risk of them not even realizing I'm gone. Shouldn't they be made aware of how their actions (or inactions) have caused me pain? But then if they were really my friend, wouldn't they know without me having to be obvious about it.... I could go on and on about how this person could have handled this whole situation differently and just KEPT IT REAL, but why bother because the only person I can change is me.
What a pickle!
I have to eventually address it though, that's how I'm wired.... It's just a matter of when. Might be 2 years from now, LOL!
In the meantime, I'm just grateful that I have so many other WONDERFUL friends who show it on a regular basis, and whether we get together once a week or once a year, we get together! I love y'all. And where would I be without my ultimate best friend, Jesus, who wipes every tear? With Him, I can weather any storm.
In prayer,
BlueLady
Friday, July 1, 2011
It's all about love
So, for the past three days, I've been posting bible verses about love. Some of you may have wondered what is going on with her??See, I've found myself back in that old situation (and I mean OLD) of unrequited love. I brought it on myself, by asking God to show me my husband even if he's not ready. Well, yeah, he's not ready and really, neither am I. I guess I thought that we would just sit in that dating stage until it was time. I don't think I realized that we would be stuck in the friend stage!
The way it works with me, is once I admit I'm into somebody, I'm all in like flynn. After realizing how deep my feelings are for him, there's no turning back. It turned on easy like a light switch, but turning it off is so much harder! Not saying that I wouldn't date someone else if the opportunity arose, because I definitely would. But I cannot commit my emotions to more than one man. I've tried it and it doesn't work for me. Kudos to those of you who can (while dating! This is not a cheating endorsement lol)
So, instead of me trying to turn my feelings off, I've decided to bear with them. After all, I brought it on myself with my foolish prayer requests. In bearing with it though, I found myself wanting to talk to him, wanting to see him, wanting to hear from him, wanting to go out with him, like all the time. I told my friends he was like heroin. I just needed a lil hit to feel good again.
Not only was this unhealthy, but the desire is unbalanced. Yeah, he texts me back, he calls me back, he goes out with me, but it's not enough for me. Just like in my friendships, I need balance. I need for my friends to put energy into maintaining our friendship the same way that I do. Even in friendships, I have backed off if I realized that I'm always calling you and not vice versa. I'm too grown to be chasing anybody. I feel like I'm amazing and you should want to be friends with me, and in his case, want me in his life. So, I'm in back-off mode.
But (backing off)... is hard to do! I tried deleting his name out of my phonebook. Not that I don't already have his number memorized (I'm good with numbers) but the fact that I would start to text him and couldn't find his name in the contact lookup gave me an extra 5 seconds to think about what I was doing and I would ask myself, "Why are you texting him if he's not in your phonebook?" Then I started texting him with just the number, so that became pointless. Then I put the title "Friend" in front of his name. Thinking that everytime I text or call him, it will be a visual reminder that we are JUST FRIENDS.
On Tuesday though, I finally had enough and decided I was done. He didn't text me back, so forget him (for now). I was mad enough to commit to this, at least temporarily. But I didn't realize how many times per day, he jumps in my thoughts. All freakin day and half the night. And it's little stuff, it's places, it's things, it's music, it's media...
So, I came up with a new initiative. What better way to fight these intrusive thoughts than with the word of God. For awhile I've been wanting to get back to regularly studying the Word and I'm still working on it. I also want to get back to memorizing chunks of the word, like in middle school.
I decided to do a search in my Bible app for the word "love", since that's what I'm preoccupied with. God's love is the only love that I can count on anyway. Every day, I pick a verse/passage that talks about love and whenever thoughts of him creep in my head, I immediately stop and recite (out loud or in my head) my memory verse. (SN: Not doing so well with the reference though. I can remember the book, but the chapter and verse are hard to retain now.)
The first one was in 1 John - We love each other because He loved us first.
The 2nd one was in one of the Corinthians - Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love. (That one earned me a retweet from WPXI's Tricia P!)
Today's is.... not memorized yet at all. See the actual verse that popped up for today was John 15:12 "This is my commandment. Love each other as I have loved you". But backing up to verse 9 makes it even fuller and picturesque of how to walk with God. Here's the full passage: "I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way that I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."
That's very long for a memory verse, so I'll be using verse 12, but rereading the rest of the passage a couple of times throughout the day. (Love that part about overflowing joy! Who doesn't want a piece of that?)
I have to say that this aversion therapy (or maybe it's cognitive behavioral) is working. My thoughts of him are definitely decreasing. Of course I still feel a little lonely and a little sad, but I've gotta move forward. I can't sit still in my emotions.
That being said, I'm closing this post with a lil Jill Scott.
"I'm taking my freedom, putting it in my car...."
on my way to God, who loves me better!
The way it works with me, is once I admit I'm into somebody, I'm all in like flynn. After realizing how deep my feelings are for him, there's no turning back. It turned on easy like a light switch, but turning it off is so much harder! Not saying that I wouldn't date someone else if the opportunity arose, because I definitely would. But I cannot commit my emotions to more than one man. I've tried it and it doesn't work for me. Kudos to those of you who can (while dating! This is not a cheating endorsement lol)
So, instead of me trying to turn my feelings off, I've decided to bear with them. After all, I brought it on myself with my foolish prayer requests. In bearing with it though, I found myself wanting to talk to him, wanting to see him, wanting to hear from him, wanting to go out with him, like all the time. I told my friends he was like heroin. I just needed a lil hit to feel good again.
Not only was this unhealthy, but the desire is unbalanced. Yeah, he texts me back, he calls me back, he goes out with me, but it's not enough for me. Just like in my friendships, I need balance. I need for my friends to put energy into maintaining our friendship the same way that I do. Even in friendships, I have backed off if I realized that I'm always calling you and not vice versa. I'm too grown to be chasing anybody. I feel like I'm amazing and you should want to be friends with me, and in his case, want me in his life. So, I'm in back-off mode.
But (backing off)... is hard to do! I tried deleting his name out of my phonebook. Not that I don't already have his number memorized (I'm good with numbers) but the fact that I would start to text him and couldn't find his name in the contact lookup gave me an extra 5 seconds to think about what I was doing and I would ask myself, "Why are you texting him if he's not in your phonebook?" Then I started texting him with just the number, so that became pointless. Then I put the title "Friend" in front of his name. Thinking that everytime I text or call him, it will be a visual reminder that we are JUST FRIENDS.
On Tuesday though, I finally had enough and decided I was done. He didn't text me back, so forget him (for now). I was mad enough to commit to this, at least temporarily. But I didn't realize how many times per day, he jumps in my thoughts. All freakin day and half the night. And it's little stuff, it's places, it's things, it's music, it's media...
So, I came up with a new initiative. What better way to fight these intrusive thoughts than with the word of God. For awhile I've been wanting to get back to regularly studying the Word and I'm still working on it. I also want to get back to memorizing chunks of the word, like in middle school.
I decided to do a search in my Bible app for the word "love", since that's what I'm preoccupied with. God's love is the only love that I can count on anyway. Every day, I pick a verse/passage that talks about love and whenever thoughts of him creep in my head, I immediately stop and recite (out loud or in my head) my memory verse. (SN: Not doing so well with the reference though. I can remember the book, but the chapter and verse are hard to retain now.)
The first one was in 1 John - We love each other because He loved us first.
The 2nd one was in one of the Corinthians - Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love. (That one earned me a retweet from WPXI's Tricia P!)
Today's is.... not memorized yet at all. See the actual verse that popped up for today was John 15:12 "This is my commandment. Love each other as I have loved you". But backing up to verse 9 makes it even fuller and picturesque of how to walk with God. Here's the full passage: "I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way that I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."
That's very long for a memory verse, so I'll be using verse 12, but rereading the rest of the passage a couple of times throughout the day. (Love that part about overflowing joy! Who doesn't want a piece of that?)
I have to say that this aversion therapy (or maybe it's cognitive behavioral) is working. My thoughts of him are definitely decreasing. Of course I still feel a little lonely and a little sad, but I've gotta move forward. I can't sit still in my emotions.
That being said, I'm closing this post with a lil Jill Scott.
"I'm taking my freedom, putting it in my car...."
on my way to God, who loves me better!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My head is too full for a title...
Pardon me while I try to put this in order... It all happened while driving, so now I'm trying to recreate my crazy thoughts. Bear with me y'all!
-----------------------------------------------
So all I've been trying to do is write something worthy of open mic... But emotionally, I'm cool. Pain and loneliness used to be my only muse and now... I'm just okay.
So, tonight, after having an impromptu meeting with him, I drove home with my brow all frowned up... thinking about the ins and outs of the conversation we just held - at the bar no less. (I'm thinking I'm going to call it "pub therapy"). Something about tonight's convo was different. Something about tonight's hug was different. Not quite sure what, but something different happened. Something different than my imagination running away with itself and creating feelings where there was none. Still don't know what was different so all the way home, I pondered and thought about several things and tried to compose poetry/prose in my head. Decided that this long-standing drama should be more than enough muse for something because it just brings my head turmoil. Decided I would make a series of prosetry (lol) and call it "The Book of Rodney" and each new piece would be a chapter in the book. (Now, obviously, his name isn't Rodney and I barely know any Rodneys, so that's why the name works.) Each piece would cover a different chapter in our so-called history... the beginning so many years ago and the current nowness of it all.... I quickly fantasized about me reading these poems at open mic night, then one night, inviting him and reading them in front of him. Just daydreaming about it gave me palpitations!
Then I started to honestly think about where we've been and what we talked about tonight and how I just have so much hope for him in his situation and how it's finally getting better - if only he could see it! I challenged him to do something different in hopes that he would find what he's looking for. Then I started thinking about what He really needs - God back in His life. That sounds like an "easy button" answer, but forreal, he really does. And as I thought about that, I thought about how that wasn't the answer I wanted. Because somehow it seems easier to connect him to people, places, and things, but to feel responsible for helping him reconnect with God? Yikes that's just scary. But despite my fears, it is the answer and I thought about how good that would be for him and it occurred to me how much I cared and then somewhere like a lightning bolt out of the sky, it hit me!
I love him.
Gosh that's even hard to write, let alone think, and never say!
Then I barraged myself, like, what are you serious? What can you possibly be in love with? But it was the non-answers to that question that were the answer. Because it's indescribable, because it's nonsensical, because I can't let it go after so many years! So I accepted it, then everything in my head fell into place, like pieces in a puzzle.
See, every once in a while, I get on the straight and narrow and stumble upon God's plan for my life. It's hard to explain, but what's been on my mind as of late all made sense. My prayer lately (the prayers re: my future husband) have been focused on ok-God-I-know-I'm-not-ready-but.... and the most recent installment was along the lines of - I know you didn't bring me this far to leave me, You wouldn't have given me this desire to love and be loved for nothing, I know I'm not ready and I know he's not ready, But God! Please at least give me the peace of knowing that he exists, show me who he is so I can rest in your promises, I promise God I'll do right this time... I won't rush it, I'll wait for You until You say it's time for him! (Sidenote: I am such a brat! I'll never understand why God puts up with my foolishness!)
So after tonight's crazy revelation, it made no sense yet it made perfect sense. So I just began talking to God and thanking Him for loving me enough to put up with my silly prayer requests. I prayed for him and that God would bring His child back into His arms, somehow someway, but if it has to be me through me then Lord okay... I'm so high drama lol. I prayed that some part of our conversation tonight would bug him as much as last week's conversation did (when I said he's a jerk sometimes *whoops*). I acknowledged to God that witnessing, evangelizing, talking extensively about what God has done for me is not one of my current gifts. But I know that my faith in God is a great testimony and that my joy in the Lord is also God-given. (He referred to it as my aura tonight) The fact that I can bounce back from a crisis the next day with a smile on my face used to be something I took for granted, but now I praise God for it. So, I just prayed for him tonight and that he would just see me, not as a potential wife, but as a testimony to God's favor and awesomeness.
And that's all I could do. But I gotta sit still! That's the key. In the last 3 weeks, every time I have purposefully not called him, texted him, etc, that's when he's reached out to me. Time for me to stop being the aggressor and the chaser, and let God do what He does best. I just need to stay out of His way and let him work!
Funny how tonight at Session we talked about how sometimes our words are SO UNNECESSARY when praying to God, and sometimes it's just the strength of our faith alone. Yeah, I haven't learned that lesson yet, but I'm trying!
K I'm going to bed. My back is hurting from this crazy low office chair.
Signing off,
--bluelady
-----------------------------------------------
So all I've been trying to do is write something worthy of open mic... But emotionally, I'm cool. Pain and loneliness used to be my only muse and now... I'm just okay.
So, tonight, after having an impromptu meeting with him, I drove home with my brow all frowned up... thinking about the ins and outs of the conversation we just held - at the bar no less. (I'm thinking I'm going to call it "pub therapy"). Something about tonight's convo was different. Something about tonight's hug was different. Not quite sure what, but something different happened. Something different than my imagination running away with itself and creating feelings where there was none. Still don't know what was different so all the way home, I pondered and thought about several things and tried to compose poetry/prose in my head. Decided that this long-standing drama should be more than enough muse for something because it just brings my head turmoil. Decided I would make a series of prosetry (lol) and call it "The Book of Rodney" and each new piece would be a chapter in the book. (Now, obviously, his name isn't Rodney and I barely know any Rodneys, so that's why the name works.) Each piece would cover a different chapter in our so-called history... the beginning so many years ago and the current nowness of it all.... I quickly fantasized about me reading these poems at open mic night, then one night, inviting him and reading them in front of him. Just daydreaming about it gave me palpitations!
Then I started to honestly think about where we've been and what we talked about tonight and how I just have so much hope for him in his situation and how it's finally getting better - if only he could see it! I challenged him to do something different in hopes that he would find what he's looking for. Then I started thinking about what He really needs - God back in His life. That sounds like an "easy button" answer, but forreal, he really does. And as I thought about that, I thought about how that wasn't the answer I wanted. Because somehow it seems easier to connect him to people, places, and things, but to feel responsible for helping him reconnect with God? Yikes that's just scary. But despite my fears, it is the answer and I thought about how good that would be for him and it occurred to me how much I cared and then somewhere like a lightning bolt out of the sky, it hit me!
I love him.
Gosh that's even hard to write, let alone think, and never say!
Then I barraged myself, like, what are you serious? What can you possibly be in love with? But it was the non-answers to that question that were the answer. Because it's indescribable, because it's nonsensical, because I can't let it go after so many years! So I accepted it, then everything in my head fell into place, like pieces in a puzzle.
See, every once in a while, I get on the straight and narrow and stumble upon God's plan for my life. It's hard to explain, but what's been on my mind as of late all made sense. My prayer lately (the prayers re: my future husband) have been focused on ok-God-I-know-I'm-not-ready-but.... and the most recent installment was along the lines of - I know you didn't bring me this far to leave me, You wouldn't have given me this desire to love and be loved for nothing, I know I'm not ready and I know he's not ready, But God! Please at least give me the peace of knowing that he exists, show me who he is so I can rest in your promises, I promise God I'll do right this time... I won't rush it, I'll wait for You until You say it's time for him! (Sidenote: I am such a brat! I'll never understand why God puts up with my foolishness!)
So after tonight's crazy revelation, it made no sense yet it made perfect sense. So I just began talking to God and thanking Him for loving me enough to put up with my silly prayer requests. I prayed for him and that God would bring His child back into His arms, somehow someway, but if it has to be me through me then Lord okay... I'm so high drama lol. I prayed that some part of our conversation tonight would bug him as much as last week's conversation did (when I said he's a jerk sometimes *whoops*). I acknowledged to God that witnessing, evangelizing, talking extensively about what God has done for me is not one of my current gifts. But I know that my faith in God is a great testimony and that my joy in the Lord is also God-given. (He referred to it as my aura tonight) The fact that I can bounce back from a crisis the next day with a smile on my face used to be something I took for granted, but now I praise God for it. So, I just prayed for him tonight and that he would just see me, not as a potential wife, but as a testimony to God's favor and awesomeness.
And that's all I could do. But I gotta sit still! That's the key. In the last 3 weeks, every time I have purposefully not called him, texted him, etc, that's when he's reached out to me. Time for me to stop being the aggressor and the chaser, and let God do what He does best. I just need to stay out of His way and let him work!
Funny how tonight at Session we talked about how sometimes our words are SO UNNECESSARY when praying to God, and sometimes it's just the strength of our faith alone. Yeah, I haven't learned that lesson yet, but I'm trying!
K I'm going to bed. My back is hurting from this crazy low office chair.
Signing off,
--bluelady
Friday, May 27, 2011
on self esteem
Once upon a time, I had low self esteem. Growing up, I was that fat girl with glasses and bad hair. Any guys who tried to talk to me were attracted to my booty and after sex. So for awhile, when I questioned why no one my age was attracted me, I blamed my looks, hence the self esteem.
Fast forward to college and it was somewhat the same but different. This time, what was keeping me mostly single was my virginal status. At least that's what I think. Bc after freshman year, no one on campus even tried to Holla at me, but off campus I definitely had some attention.
During college, my walk with God became so much closer. Because it was during those nights of tears and loneliness, that I came to understand what was really going on. I realized that God had called me to be different and set me apart for a reason. Through thats I realized, that in my emotional vulnerable stage during those years, if one of my crushes had returned the feelings? I definitely wouldn't have been strong enough to stay abstinent. God never puts more on you than you can bear right? I realized that due to my inability to truly ascertain God's will for my life, He had to intervene. Similar to the lime vodka incident of 1995, certain things had to occur to keep me on the straight and narrow.
At various times, I've, conquered different image issues. I've lost weight and gained it back. I've had braids, weave, short hair, my own long hair. I've worn glasses and contacts. So what happened? I stopped beating myself up for not fitting in society's constructs for beauty and began to embrace the idea that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made". That I have my days where I might look a wreck,alright, or just plain amazing (like tonight lol!) But in spite of it all, I love me and I think im great, even if men don't show it or recognize it on a regular basis. Like I said, I don't know how I got to this point, but im thankful, because feeling bad about yourself can only lead to depression and regrettable behaviors. So, if you ask what my secret is? To thinking im amazing, wonderful, and worth it, flaws and all! The answer is God.
He's awesome! #thatisall
Time to go back to the party...
signing off - Blue Lady
Fast forward to college and it was somewhat the same but different. This time, what was keeping me mostly single was my virginal status. At least that's what I think. Bc after freshman year, no one on campus even tried to Holla at me, but off campus I definitely had some attention.
During college, my walk with God became so much closer. Because it was during those nights of tears and loneliness, that I came to understand what was really going on. I realized that God had called me to be different and set me apart for a reason. Through thats I realized, that in my emotional vulnerable stage during those years, if one of my crushes had returned the feelings? I definitely wouldn't have been strong enough to stay abstinent. God never puts more on you than you can bear right? I realized that due to my inability to truly ascertain God's will for my life, He had to intervene. Similar to the lime vodka incident of 1995, certain things had to occur to keep me on the straight and narrow.
At various times, I've, conquered different image issues. I've lost weight and gained it back. I've had braids, weave, short hair, my own long hair. I've worn glasses and contacts. So what happened? I stopped beating myself up for not fitting in society's constructs for beauty and began to embrace the idea that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made". That I have my days where I might look a wreck,alright, or just plain amazing (like tonight lol!) But in spite of it all, I love me and I think im great, even if men don't show it or recognize it on a regular basis. Like I said, I don't know how I got to this point, but im thankful, because feeling bad about yourself can only lead to depression and regrettable behaviors. So, if you ask what my secret is? To thinking im amazing, wonderful, and worth it, flaws and all! The answer is God.
He's awesome! #thatisall
Time to go back to the party...
signing off - Blue Lady
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Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Powerful Poem by Janette - I Will Wait For You
I...am...blown...away. Everything I've ever thought put to spoken word. Thanks to my Pastor for sharing it with me!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Emotional lockbox
So yesterday I went to watch A concert with my mom. It was really good and a blessing. The crazy part though was there was a man who was miming by himself. All I can say is that he was a male version of me. It turned out that he was 30 and he was so into his ministry. Except for 1 key difference I realize that his emotions were on display for everybody to see. I mean he was sobbing after he got done and i was just like wow. Im not sure i could let everyone else in to see that. I thought about it and realized that I kind of set me aside to get thru the mime. But even then, I don't really fall apart afterward. I just kind of process it. Now yes, for the most part, im in God's presence. Im just not overly emotional about it. Then it got me to thinking about how I don't like to lose control and part of me always fears that. So its like I keep the not-so-cute emotions inside, in an emotional lockbox. And every once in a while ill delve into it. I did a couple of hours before midnight on my birthday. I was just feeling bored and alone and pondering my now-31 year old fate. So I let the hurt out and cried for about 20 minutes. Then I locked the tears back in the lockbox and decided to be positive. Guess that's my coping mechanism huh?
or is it a choice? Is letting my emotions out on display something I could do if I wanted to?
Last time I sobbed in front of anyone was in the midst of one of my past relationships. You know cuz I was in love and stuff lol.
Matter of fact, my lockbox was just open during that relationship bc I had a close encounter with the holy spirit during that time period too....
Mmm... All through the relationship, there were ups and downs and a lot of tears. I had never cried so much in my life. It wasn't even like we were fighting, just stuff going on that made him unhappy so then it made me unhappy.
Then there was the first time God told me no about that particular him, I was heartbroken. I remember standing at the altar and just sobbing. I think I scared everyone that day bc like I said, I don't do that like ever.
So of course when my stupid behind got back with him, God said no again the night of the Tye Tribbett concert. I encountered God in a whole new manner that night. And when he, the ex him, started acting crazy as soon as the concert was over, i knew we were over and I was tear-free.
I don't think i've really cried in public since. I mean, other than sentimental tearjerker type stuff. You know long-lost reunions, and successful reunifications etc. But those are tear pricks. Those aren't tears running down my face. I cry a little at church every once in a while. Usually when im feeling some kind of way....
Sorry I've just been rambling but yesterday really encouraged me to get out of God's way and just open up my heart. Mmm may have to do that song again soon lol.
or is it a choice? Is letting my emotions out on display something I could do if I wanted to?
Last time I sobbed in front of anyone was in the midst of one of my past relationships. You know cuz I was in love and stuff lol.
Matter of fact, my lockbox was just open during that relationship bc I had a close encounter with the holy spirit during that time period too....
Mmm... All through the relationship, there were ups and downs and a lot of tears. I had never cried so much in my life. It wasn't even like we were fighting, just stuff going on that made him unhappy so then it made me unhappy.
Then there was the first time God told me no about that particular him, I was heartbroken. I remember standing at the altar and just sobbing. I think I scared everyone that day bc like I said, I don't do that like ever.
So of course when my stupid behind got back with him, God said no again the night of the Tye Tribbett concert. I encountered God in a whole new manner that night. And when he, the ex him, started acting crazy as soon as the concert was over, i knew we were over and I was tear-free.
I don't think i've really cried in public since. I mean, other than sentimental tearjerker type stuff. You know long-lost reunions, and successful reunifications etc. But those are tear pricks. Those aren't tears running down my face. I cry a little at church every once in a while. Usually when im feeling some kind of way....
Sorry I've just been rambling but yesterday really encouraged me to get out of God's way and just open up my heart. Mmm may have to do that song again soon lol.
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