So it kinda crept up on us... Mommy had some gastro issues that wouldn't go away. they did a scan, turns out there was a growth on her pancreas, nestled in between all kinds of veins and arteries, cutting off one of the bile ducts in her liver (i THINK that's what they said...). biopsy said Cancer. that opinion was seconded and thirded...
so, here we sit, awaiting the 1st dose of chemotherapy. And i have to face the reality that my relatively healthy and energetic mom with a diagnosis, who because of the strength and toxicity of chemo drugs, is going to transform into a sickly person who lacks energy, appetite, etc...
its funny, tho, we (my mom and me) are the optimistic side of our family unit. we're in here smiling because God is good and He hasn't brought us this far to leave us. Hallelujah Anyhow!
And in other news, i saw "just wright" on sunday and i aint been "wright" ever since! lol! lonnie "Common" lynn and his fine self jacked me up forreal... got me paying attention to folks i aint never paid attention to! then out of the CLEAR BLUE SKY, i get a call from a "blast from the past". y'all, i got off the phone and started hyperventilating. hot mess!
well, its bout to be summer, maybe MY new season is coming to :-)
pray for me and my mommy too!
(and the pessimists who are worrying us half to death!)
in God's arms,
BlueLady
<3 Be Inspired <3
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A good friend is like a mirror....
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY, ALL AT THE SAME TIME
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
This is my meditation this morning... What is echoing in my spirit.
I think I've lost a friend this week and though the original reasons were petty on both parts, it quickly escalated into a deep conflict. I'm not sure the conflict will ever be resolved...
You know that I'm a questioner, right? I question everything and everybody, even my Lord and Savior (I know I'm not supposed to!)... I have to be able to explain things, I have to understand things, and I will seek the answer until I get it.
Now the most likely real reason behind it all, mmmm, I'm thinking, hand of God.
No, really! In my hard-headed existence, God will speak things to me and I won't hear Him. So, then He'll place an obstacle in the way, and I'll go around it. Sometimes it gets so bad, that He will have to make it explicitly clear... Something like this, that doesn't make a lot of sense, where hearts have been hardened makes me think that it was God. And whether I like it or not, I have to yield...
Friendships are hard to maintain and especially when they're real friendships. I've learned that every friendship goes through a rough time, if not a million rough times. But in the roughness, something should respond inside of you, something that says, despite this drama we going through, I wanna get through it because I wanna be friends again. Sometimes the only way to dispel the roughness it to hit it head on and deal with it. It hurts but in the end, its worth it!
In my life now, I try to hold my friends accountable for their actions because I need them to hold ME accountable for mine! Lord knows I need that, because I can justify anything. But a friend should care enough about me to show me that I've done wrong. Once a friend has shown me my wrong, I need to acknowledge that I've done wrong. If I can't do that, I need to at least acknowledge that I've upset the friend. If I refuse to acknowledge it at all, then the problem is on me....
I also realize that I'm a talker. HA! Big revelation, right? But I have to talk things through....
I know I'm rambling this morning as I try to sort out my feelings and lick my wounds. I'm trying to make this make sense. I probably just need to move on....
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY, ALL AT THE SAME TIME
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
This is my meditation this morning... What is echoing in my spirit.
I think I've lost a friend this week and though the original reasons were petty on both parts, it quickly escalated into a deep conflict. I'm not sure the conflict will ever be resolved...
You know that I'm a questioner, right? I question everything and everybody, even my Lord and Savior (I know I'm not supposed to!)... I have to be able to explain things, I have to understand things, and I will seek the answer until I get it.
Now the most likely real reason behind it all, mmmm, I'm thinking, hand of God.
No, really! In my hard-headed existence, God will speak things to me and I won't hear Him. So, then He'll place an obstacle in the way, and I'll go around it. Sometimes it gets so bad, that He will have to make it explicitly clear... Something like this, that doesn't make a lot of sense, where hearts have been hardened makes me think that it was God. And whether I like it or not, I have to yield...
Friendships are hard to maintain and especially when they're real friendships. I've learned that every friendship goes through a rough time, if not a million rough times. But in the roughness, something should respond inside of you, something that says, despite this drama we going through, I wanna get through it because I wanna be friends again. Sometimes the only way to dispel the roughness it to hit it head on and deal with it. It hurts but in the end, its worth it!
In my life now, I try to hold my friends accountable for their actions because I need them to hold ME accountable for mine! Lord knows I need that, because I can justify anything. But a friend should care enough about me to show me that I've done wrong. Once a friend has shown me my wrong, I need to acknowledge that I've done wrong. If I can't do that, I need to at least acknowledge that I've upset the friend. If I refuse to acknowledge it at all, then the problem is on me....
I also realize that I'm a talker. HA! Big revelation, right? But I have to talk things through....
I know I'm rambling this morning as I try to sort out my feelings and lick my wounds. I'm trying to make this make sense. I probably just need to move on....
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND UGLY, ALL AT THE SAME TIME
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP WILL BE A REFLECTION OF YOU
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP NEEDS TO BE CLEANED EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE
LIKE A MIRROR, A FRIENDSHIP CAN EASILY BE BROKEN.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
DeSTRESSion
All week I've been in a funk, unlike any other funk I've known before...
I mean, yeah its this week's hormones, but its also life. My family has been going thru a lot lately, especially sickness, then u add the snow, and my back and my knee, and my mom's car breaking down then the loss of my car key/remote. On top of that, u add the loud ticking of my biological clock. tick tock TICK tock TICK TOCK cuz my birthday is fast approaching! Then behind all the stress (and running my mom around), I got behind on my work so now when I should be relaxing at home, I've been catching up on work so Before I know it, I feel lonely and isolated, having briefer conversations with my friends b/c I'm too busy to have long ones. My DVR is filling up b/c watching my shows takes time and attention that I don't have. It may sound silly but I've even noticed that I only have time to do my own farm but don't have the time or energy to help my neighbors.
And before I know it, I've wrapped myself in a cocoon of loneliness and bad thoughts, longing for fulfillment of at least one of my personal goals... And the cycle continues...
But all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord! Thanks be to God, who is able to do more than I could ever think or imagine. Who in the instant it takes me to utter "Help me Jesus" has already begun to work his comforting Spirit within me, to remind me that I am His and despite the failings of man, He will always be there for me!
This deSTRESSion is only my reaction to the season of famine I'm in. But after famine, comes surplus. The night is darkest right before sunrise. And as Karen Clark-Sheard sings, I'm Coming Out! You're Coming Out! We're Coming Out! Coming Out of This Thing!
Right now, I'm reclaiming my optimism and sense of peace in my life! Its Mine! I'll continue this lenten fast from meat, recommitting myself to prayer time and hopefully soon, Bible time!
God's so awesome! Don't you agree?
:-D
Safe in His Arms,
BlueLady
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
I mean, yeah its this week's hormones, but its also life. My family has been going thru a lot lately, especially sickness, then u add the snow, and my back and my knee, and my mom's car breaking down then the loss of my car key/remote. On top of that, u add the loud ticking of my biological clock. tick tock TICK tock TICK TOCK cuz my birthday is fast approaching! Then behind all the stress (and running my mom around), I got behind on my work so now when I should be relaxing at home, I've been catching up on work so Before I know it, I feel lonely and isolated, having briefer conversations with my friends b/c I'm too busy to have long ones. My DVR is filling up b/c watching my shows takes time and attention that I don't have. It may sound silly but I've even noticed that I only have time to do my own farm but don't have the time or energy to help my neighbors.
And before I know it, I've wrapped myself in a cocoon of loneliness and bad thoughts, longing for fulfillment of at least one of my personal goals... And the cycle continues...
But all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord! Thanks be to God, who is able to do more than I could ever think or imagine. Who in the instant it takes me to utter "Help me Jesus" has already begun to work his comforting Spirit within me, to remind me that I am His and despite the failings of man, He will always be there for me!
This deSTRESSion is only my reaction to the season of famine I'm in. But after famine, comes surplus. The night is darkest right before sunrise. And as Karen Clark-Sheard sings, I'm Coming Out! You're Coming Out! We're Coming Out! Coming Out of This Thing!
Right now, I'm reclaiming my optimism and sense of peace in my life! Its Mine! I'll continue this lenten fast from meat, recommitting myself to prayer time and hopefully soon, Bible time!
God's so awesome! Don't you agree?
:-D
Safe in His Arms,
BlueLady
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Calling on you, Jesus...
I might not be able to sleep tonight.... There's so much going on.
Just watched Jay-Z's video in shock and disbelief, in how far he's gone (in terms of this whole demonic imaging thing). That video, made me want to hide in my prayer closet and STAY THERE... Anyway, that's not what I'm really on here tonight...
I suppose what's really got me upset is having issues in my family that I can't do anything about. It feels terrible to want to help someone, but be powerless. So as I sit here, praying for the phone to ring to let me know everything is okay, I figured I'd blog.
You know, in my job, we joke about mental health issues, all the time. It's sad to say, but we do, particularly in downtown McKeesport, where my office building is. Due to the fact that all of the social services (mental health/mental retardation, Welfare, WIC, Social Security, career counseling, GED program, aging, and child welfare) are within a 1/4 mile radius of each other, I see some of the most disturbed and disturbing people outside of my office building. Most of the time, if we're not scared to death, we laugh at all of the craziness and just blame it on the area.... but truth be told, people are accessing the services they're in need of, which is actually a good thing. But yet, in our minds, we degrade these people, believing that they're less than....
Tonight, though, mental health issues are far from funny. There are some people who've been sick for years, with depression or schizophrenia, who are constantly in a cycle of illness and recovery that they never seem to get out of. And for those who self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, the cycle is even worse. But then there are those people who lead normal, everyday lives, whom you would never know anything was wrong until.... it strikes. Something that causes the chemicals in their brain to unbalance. Seems to me that its due to an overflow of not-so-positive emotions. That something happens that upsets the person, and neurotransmitters start acting up, and oh boy, you've got an episode on your hands. And all of a sudden, without warning, the world for them flips sideways and everything is different. You're not eating the same. You're not sleeping the same. Nothing looks the same, nothing smells the same, people aren't acting the same. You know something is wrong, but you can't figure out what happened? So, your guard goes up. You become mistrustful of everything. Things that you could normally brush past and ignore, you can't now because they might be able to tell you how to fix this. But instead, all the extra worry just pulls you in........
Such a vicious cycle! I can't even imagine having this happen to me, without warning.... Jesus!
Well, all I can do is listen and pray and pray and listen until its over. Before long, the normal and ordinary will return and we'll forget the episode even occurred.
Placing ALL my trust in Jesus, the lover of my soul
-BlueLady
Just watched Jay-Z's video in shock and disbelief, in how far he's gone (in terms of this whole demonic imaging thing). That video, made me want to hide in my prayer closet and STAY THERE... Anyway, that's not what I'm really on here tonight...
I suppose what's really got me upset is having issues in my family that I can't do anything about. It feels terrible to want to help someone, but be powerless. So as I sit here, praying for the phone to ring to let me know everything is okay, I figured I'd blog.
You know, in my job, we joke about mental health issues, all the time. It's sad to say, but we do, particularly in downtown McKeesport, where my office building is. Due to the fact that all of the social services (mental health/mental retardation, Welfare, WIC, Social Security, career counseling, GED program, aging, and child welfare) are within a 1/4 mile radius of each other, I see some of the most disturbed and disturbing people outside of my office building. Most of the time, if we're not scared to death, we laugh at all of the craziness and just blame it on the area.... but truth be told, people are accessing the services they're in need of, which is actually a good thing. But yet, in our minds, we degrade these people, believing that they're less than....
Tonight, though, mental health issues are far from funny. There are some people who've been sick for years, with depression or schizophrenia, who are constantly in a cycle of illness and recovery that they never seem to get out of. And for those who self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, the cycle is even worse. But then there are those people who lead normal, everyday lives, whom you would never know anything was wrong until.... it strikes. Something that causes the chemicals in their brain to unbalance. Seems to me that its due to an overflow of not-so-positive emotions. That something happens that upsets the person, and neurotransmitters start acting up, and oh boy, you've got an episode on your hands. And all of a sudden, without warning, the world for them flips sideways and everything is different. You're not eating the same. You're not sleeping the same. Nothing looks the same, nothing smells the same, people aren't acting the same. You know something is wrong, but you can't figure out what happened? So, your guard goes up. You become mistrustful of everything. Things that you could normally brush past and ignore, you can't now because they might be able to tell you how to fix this. But instead, all the extra worry just pulls you in........
Such a vicious cycle! I can't even imagine having this happen to me, without warning.... Jesus!
Well, all I can do is listen and pray and pray and listen until its over. Before long, the normal and ordinary will return and we'll forget the episode even occurred.
Placing ALL my trust in Jesus, the lover of my soul
-BlueLady
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
My name is Maryn and I'm a Virgin *GASP*
Geez, how do I begin? I mean, this has been weighing on me for a minute... This need to share my story, my testimony (or at least a snippet from it) but I keep putting it off... So what better time than a night when I should be asleep but am still wired... A lot of stuff on my mind after tonight but *inhale, exhale*, here it goes....
Almost everyone knows that my 30th birthday is quickly approaching and like most people, I'm measuring my accomplishments and finding myself short of my original goals. Pretty standard, I think, "By the time I'm 30, I'll be married with at least 1 child, a homeowner, and have my Masters Degree". Funny, how I just named all of the things I don't have, but I'm blessed with so many other things that I'm okay... Except the one thing that's bugging me is this whole wife/mother thing. Probably because 90% of my BFFs are married mothers. Another 7% are engaged. So, the phrase, always a bridesmaid... Yeah, you know the rest.
But here's the real kicker, me being single and childless isn't just your standard "I'm waiting for Mr. Right..." No, its so much more than that.
I'm a virgin. (Wow, that was kinda hard to type!) And I'm waiting for marriage. And before you start thinking "Awww, how sweet", know that its anything but. Know that my virgin status does not equal my innocence, at all! I just made a promise and stuck with it... Whenever I'm in a relationship, and things start getting hot and heavy, I always joke that I'm a VIP (Virgin in Peril). Trust me when I tell you, I've been awfully close SEVERAL TIMES (playing with fire) and its only by God's grace that its still intact. The situations I've been in could have easily led to non consensual sex but thanks be to God for God-fearing men who heeded His warnings.
My decision to wait for marriage was not an immediate one. If someone would have told me in middle school, that I would eventually wait for marriage, even to age 30, I would have never believed it. In middle school, being a virgin was more lack of opportunity then anything else. In high school, though, after I gave my life to Christ, it was the expected behavior of a Christian and in college, the fear that I would end up pregnant, just because that's how I expected God to work in my hard-headed life. Afterward, in post-college adulthood, it became my personal quest to break the cycle of unwed mothers in my familial line and I refused to have sex without being married for fear that I would break my promise. Nowadays, its wavering resolve. I say, wavering, because I NEVER imagined I would be a 30-year-old virgin and of course the childish part of me wants to challenge God (God, if I'm not engaged by 11:30pm EST on 3-26-10, I'm sleeping with the first man I run into...) But that never lasts long cause I know it wouldn't be worth it. I mean, why risk the blessing that I KNOW God has in store for me for being obedient? So, still I wait....and wait...and wait. And of course, God will never put more on you than you can bear, so I'm back to lack of opportunity. God knows how vulnerable I am right now. I'd be liable to lay down with anybody out of desparity!
Anyway, I'm also trying to come to terms that it may not even be in His Will for me to marry and/or have children, something I hate to admit I even worry about. But I do! What if God's given me this desire to marry a man I can love and support and nurture and be fully loved by in return, but instead I'm to use that love in service to Him? What if I'm surrounded by all these children (godkids, work, church) because I'll never have my own? And especially with the feeling that we're in the last days... I don't know. God loves me and knows the plans He has for me and wouldn't give me such strong desire if He never intended for me to have it... Or is that desire/temptation my cross to bear?
At this point, I have no idea, but in the meantime, I continue to thank God for keeping me because my lifestyle is always peaceful and safe. No pregnancy or STD scares. No worries about taking care of a child's expenses when I barely manage to cover my own. No baby daddy drama or forsaken love ties to men who weren't meant to be in my life in the first place! For all of that, I'm thankful.
So now, I need to flip VIP to Virgin in Prayer because that's what's going to bring me through! I continue to pray that there's a husband for me. But if not, God knows what's best for me and I pray for the ability to trust Him and that I'll find joy in His will for my life, come what may.
Whew! This was hard to write, but I guess I felt compelled because somebody out there is struggling with abstinence too. Maybe you're one of the few virgins out there who are thinking about giving in. Maybe you're just single and trying to remain celibate until you're married. I have no idea, but "I, therefore, urge you" to keep your promise. Whoever/Whatever God has in store for you in the future, is worth the wait. And if you're struggling with this and in a relationship now, God be with you and your boo, that you both can remain chaste and obedient!
I'm a living testimony, trying to remain in God's favor, despite what a hot mess I am!
Pray for me y'all! You already know I'm praying for you.
In His Service (Obediently),
Maryn
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Too much baggage for butterflies....
Once upon a time (3 years ago), I was a naïve and innocent woman, gullible, willing to believe the best about everybody...
Then came the liar...
Never even considered the notion that he might be untruthful... Until the 4AM call from his long-term PREGNANT girlfriend...
Less naïve, but still innocent, awaiting perfection to find me... Oh that was just one guy, no need for baggage
Then came another liar...
Questioned him to death, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE SINGLE?? Okay, I believed... Until he stopped communicating. An emotional cheater, rather than a physical one...
Even less naïve, still innocent, awaiting perfection to find me... Now I've encountered 2 liars... Isolated cases! There's still hope!
Then came a truth-teller!
Why are you still single, I asked. Spirit of God moved him to say "Actually I'm not..."
WHAT?! Wow...
Naivete shattered, still innocent. Awaiting perfection to find me, but perfection doesn't exist among earthly men...
In the now...
where's the oooey gooey, crushy feelings? Where are the butterflies?
Do I have too much baggage for butterflies? Have they taken off with my naivete or are they simply trapped in the suitcases I'm carrying?
I don't know yet but my eyes are open and my walls are up. I'm not bitter... Yet...
*Sigh* I miss being naïve....
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Then came the liar...
Never even considered the notion that he might be untruthful... Until the 4AM call from his long-term PREGNANT girlfriend...
Less naïve, but still innocent, awaiting perfection to find me... Oh that was just one guy, no need for baggage
Then came another liar...
Questioned him to death, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE SINGLE?? Okay, I believed... Until he stopped communicating. An emotional cheater, rather than a physical one...
Even less naïve, still innocent, awaiting perfection to find me... Now I've encountered 2 liars... Isolated cases! There's still hope!
Then came a truth-teller!
Why are you still single, I asked. Spirit of God moved him to say "Actually I'm not..."
WHAT?! Wow...
Naivete shattered, still innocent. Awaiting perfection to find me, but perfection doesn't exist among earthly men...
In the now...
where's the oooey gooey, crushy feelings? Where are the butterflies?
Do I have too much baggage for butterflies? Have they taken off with my naivete or are they simply trapped in the suitcases I'm carrying?
I don't know yet but my eyes are open and my walls are up. I'm not bitter... Yet...
*Sigh* I miss being naïve....
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)