Ruth 2:12 May the Lord, the God
of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for
what you have done.
Soooo, where do I begin? Forgive my rambling, but this is often how it
starts…
First of all, I have not blogged in quite some time. Busy with work,
school, life… unsettled but too busy to realize it. Then with the semester out
of the way, I found my way back to enjoyment, extra time, guilt-free TV, and
running! Still, it sits inside me.
A thought or an idea would come to my head, but then I would let it
fly, because who had time to write. Writing is a sacrifice, not only of your
time, but also of your thoughts and your attention and your emotions. Writing
takes it all out of you. Nevertheless, I knew I needed to do it. See, I have
always found a special connection to my emotions when I write. I always say
that I do not express myself as well as I want to in the spoken word, but in
the written (with time to think), I feel like I can write and move mountains. Regardless
of that, though, I do not really think of myself as a writer or that I have a
story to tell. Right now, I write just to tap into those emotions - the ones
that are deep inside, the ones where my spirit lives and where the Holy Spirit
communes with me.
Newsflash – I do not always do
what I am supposed to do. Even less surprising newsflash, I rarely do what I
am supposed to do. Not that I’m outright disobedient, most of the time – I’m
just so caught up in my own agenda, that I don’t hear my Father’s voice.
This is what my holding pattern is all about… This is why I have felt
like I am on the edge of a precipice, ready to fall or jump any moment… I
needed to hear Him. I needed to come back home to Him. I needed to strive to be
closer to Him. This time of waiting, of preparation, of uncertainty is not for
naught, but for my own good. I have never, in all my life, felt so peaceful in
my uncertainty. My housing is up in the air, and I am just like, well, God got
me. I have put feelers out there, but I am noncommittal either way. I want my
housing situation (staying in my current apartment, moving to a new apartment,
or buying a house) to be in order, God’s divine order. And let us just put the
other thing out there – this whatever
this is is cray-ridiculi-bonkers. Yes, that crazy that I had to make up a
hyphenated word to attempt to describe this state. It is like an 8th
grade crush, all grown up, on steroids with anointing oil. See what I am
saying? Not a lick of sense in any of these words, but it perfectly describes
it. And while I am on here bringing it to the forefront, so to speak, that is
really all I am going to say about it. Just know that I am just a nutcase right
now. And that as much as I want this situation to be resolved one way or the
other, I want to be in God’s will so
much more! I’ve tried it my way, over and over and over and over again and
consistently end up somewhere else altogether. So, tonight, I boldly place both of these situations in
God’s hands, in the name of Jesus. I am scared to relinquish them, but that
is what faith is for. For too long, I have tried holding on to these situations,
taking care of them, and nurturing them... No more! I can really do without the
anticipation, the letdown, the buildup, the anxiety, the worry, the what ifs, the
rushing, the planning. God, I want you
to take control and have your way. Your will, not mine. And for me to be
sitting still in your perfect peace, just waiting on my instructions!
To paraphrase Boaz, may the Lord God, in whom I place all my trust and
in whom I find shelter, reward me fully for what I have done.
Reading, writing, watching, and praying – we’ll see if there are any
more posts in down there.
That is it for tonight,
Ruthin’ Rynnie
